Week 13: Razah vs. Asylum [Asylum 3-1]

[Adonis]

Season 6

Verses are due MONDAY 5/30 (ext. 5/31) at 11:59 PST

Voting ends WEDNESDAY 6/1 at 11:59 PST

Verses May Not Exceed 48 Lines

Voting on four battles is required. If you win and don't vote the requirement you will receive a loss instead. If you lose and don't vote the requirement, you will receive a one-week suspension. Please post links to your four votes in the voting thread.



Topics Explained
This week you will receive a period in time that covers a huge range of years and events, you can pull inspiration from anything whether it be real life events and stories or a fictional one as long as it fits the time frames. Enjoy!


G/Luck

(6-4) @Razah
(5-6) @asylum

Topic: Ancient History– Aggregate of past events from the beginning of recorded human history and extending as far as the Early Middle Ages or the Postclassical Era. The span of recorded history is roughly 5,000 years, beginning with Sumerian Cuneiform script, the oldest discovered form of coherent writing from the protoliterate period around the 30th century BC. Includes “Classical Antiquity”.

[asylum]

He hurried up his broken gait to close the gap on our chosen prey,
it ran away through the forest kicking up leaves in a hopeless race.
As I caught a glimpse of his frozen face’s motionless gaze, it guided my eyes,
toward a thicket where they disappeared one by one to my surprise.
As the last white tail vanished into the brush we quietly stood,
one by one silently moving into position throughout the woods.
They went above and to each side as I wove ferns into my only clothing,
and sunk between a forked tree and blended in one ghostly motion.
Springtime pollen exploded from the duff under their feet,
almost enough to almost make me sneeze.
As my tongue brushed the roof of my mouth,
I breathed deep enough for some relief.
The bucks were in rut and skin hung from their bloody antlers,
they strutted in the open for a moment, an explosion of arrows our only answer.
Their Alpha screamed in a guttural yell as his does fell beside him,
and we strode across the scene cutting their necks with excitement.

[Razah]

The greatest thoughts, a flawed design
Would these thoughts of mine get lost in time
If they all survive, it's like a triumph
Since they escaped my mind's asylum
Had the greatest teacher, taught the greatest men
If you thirst for knowledge I could make amends
I found life's designs, a maze to marvel
I was made immortal when I was made of marble
A wasted brain brought my spine to shudder
I was once a pupil - Now I open the eyes of others
My writings & such would cause your spirit to grow
They were my thoughts, considered by some a river of gold
I was recognized as a man who showed his true potential
Who knew pondering life would make me so influential
And for all the errors I've made, I'm never embarrassed
Nothing's set in stone. Unlike my thoughts, forever they're cherished.

Aristotle.

[timeless]

Asylum, started off very strong, dope opening bars but then quickly fell off as soon as u mentioned you had to sneeze. Obviously ran out of time this week, as did quite a few of us by the looks of it. Would've been a solid read had you finished how you wanted.

Razor, unlike your opponent you started off slow and finished strong. Flow was iffy, could've used a tad adjusting and more re detail but I understand this was a throwaway verse. However I believe you did do just enough to take it here for the more complete read.

V. Razah

[Mr. J]

Asylum this was an interesting piece although you didn't abide the minimum lines you set
I see what you are aiming at and this felt like it would have been great with a focused mind...
the depth of your story plays well with a forgotten time riddled with innovation.
I would like to see more meat on the bones of this piece, we could all bring the plates in.
a feast that only served its appetizer..if you catch my drift.
the only clothing line was cool but ghostly motion was a stretch...ya dig...
regardless I thought that you were ill prepared but still showcased ya skills
this was a nice piece regardless...nice work my dude..

Razah, I thought this was nice, your flow is smooth as a small stream
there isnt too much to nitpick here due to the cut lines you offered me.
I get a small high off of this & you alllllmost won me over with made of marble
although that marvel line made me cringe, my digestion was a hard move.
I spat, I swished. & gargled & yet it felt like it needed a little more umph...
perhaps if you used, harmful, armful...that line would have had a nice cut..
alas my dear friend, due to your short lines that added a big negarino to your piece
either way hidey ho neighbor your spot is solidified in the playoffs...peace...


v/asylum, I feel like there was more to what he wrote...
the vibe he put off made me feel he was more in control.
I love how crisp Razah is, the vibe is so ridiculous my soul hurts
I want to give him the win but the short lines & short words...ehhhh
I wanted to see more, it may be the end of the season blues..
it might be the fact playoffs are around the corner,,,
I mean...thats a good reason too...
but I just didnt feel well fed on this course...
but I gotta give it to asylum...horse

[UnbornBuddha]

I thought this was a good battle. I really don't like to choose, I liked them both. But, since I have to, let's see....

Asylum: You painted a very captivating image and almost ingrained it in my mind. "the tongue brushing the roof of my mouth", very poignant and detailed. Albeit the story itself does seem like it wanted to expand and you didn't really write the epic you wanted to. That said sometimes with your longer pieces sometimes you get lost in your path when trying to devise the narrative. Here you didn't have this problem, but there was an expansion that was needed. I enjoyed it though. Would have enjoyed also more portrayal of historical artifacts, or more background into the era, since it was the topic.

Razah: I loved the flow of this, and there were some commendable moments. Albeit, since you mentioned Aristotle I wish there were more details in the actual writing. More terminology, more specific ideas, this would have solidified your piece and you would have had bested Asylum. But the general premise and portrayal of Aristotle disorientated me. So you did paint a nice canvass, but you didn't add color to it, you left it black and white. I like the approach, I like Aristotle. His discourses on arete (ἀρετή) are magnificently fruitful in their composition.

Vote: Asylum

[Adonis]

Asylum - There is something so simple about this verse that made it work on so many levels for me. Throughly enjoyed and this is honestly much closer to the form you displayed last post season when you went on that deep push. This is close to that skill level, glad you might be peeking at the right time again. I also love how you left the time fame open ended, very vague if you will, allowing us as readers to draw that conclusion on our own. Dope verse man.


AZ - The concept was decent, but nothing really came of it really. This verse was a tad uninspired even if I thoroughly enjoyed the content matter. It seemed as though there was no underlying meaning or twist, just a verse about a very influential man, that's it. This verse needed some salt and pepper badly, if that makes sense. Solid read, just not enough there.


V/asylum

more captivating