Week 10: Mr. J vs Adonis [MR. J WINS 4-1]

asylum · 05-06-2016, 12:28 AM

Season 6

Verses are due MONDAY 5/9 11:59 PST

Voting ends WEDNESDAY 5/11 11:59 PST

Verses May Not Exceed 48 Lines

Voting on four battles is required. If you win and don't vote the requirement you will receive a loss instead. If you lose and don't vote the requirement, you will receive a one-week suspension. Please post links to your four votes in the voting thread.

Topic: "Automatic"

Good luck to both participants.
@Mr. J (5-4) vs @Adonis (3-4)

Adonis · 05-06-2016, 01:11 PM

Listen closely as you lurk in the dark
And a conversation just might be heard on your part
You squint as if that would heighten their voice
You turn your head so ears point right at the noise
Words muzzled; Contents unclear
And lip reading is just too constant from here
This dusty corner holds no resolve in the cards
So the decks shuffled as you inch toward the mark
A simple misstep and “Poof” goes your chance
So caution’s exercised as you scoot on your hands
Knees shuffle in silence, ears perched on the wall
Oxygen’s free, so why can’t you observe with no fault?
Nosy indeed, You Dick; Private Eye in the ski
Mr. Jones might be socially awkward and can’t socialize
But you, you’re different, a true super sleuth
Fedora and all, dressed for the part in a suit
Not afraid of the shadows concealing the truth
Wiling to open the blinds and reveal any ruse
You find your footing, a stones throw away from the two
Vocals are heard, information set loose
Suddenly, one of the two move a bit shifty
Your eyes widen and your heart picks up briskly
A single shout kills the quite, air whizzes right by you
You were invisible, but this doesn’t matter when you’re disguise proof
You close your eyes tightly, A mask for the weak
But even a brave soul will wince in defeat
So you duck, just too late, you’ve been struck in the face
A moist spray beads up as you wipe it away
You look at your glove in hopes of not seeing red
Success, cause nothing can be seen from your shadowy bed
No matter, buckshot isn’t always a shower that’s fatal
But in this case you’ll cower alone in a cradle
“Gazuntite” automatically said as the conversation ensues
You were hit with the flu and not bullets that flew
You’re jittery, true, but you’ll live with a glorious tale
Survived a shoot out, at least that’s the story you’ll sell

Achoo

Mr. J · 05-07-2016, 12:25 AM

In the city of the proud, where the lights shine the brightest.
Mark started doing his rounds on one of his first assignments.
driven by others doubts & his own excitement on 15th & High-wind
the bitter years as a cadet were long behind him...
so much time spent developing new skills for each new crisis.
theivery was on the rise with an abrupt decline in violence
while waiting in silence, enjoying a large cup of soaked extract
a combination of espresso grounds & a cream coated head wrap.
the night is closer to ending. remain composed & steadfast...
he can no longer control it, he had to go.Good ol Ex Lax
his radio scrambled & he thought...smooth move shithead
waddling back he heard ..on the lookout for a new blue intrepid
as the roar of 2 engines revved. a bumblebee following a fish head.
instead of listening. he swung his door open as he dipped left.
Mark hesitated turning his lights & siren on as they hit 10th...
A few more blocks & all 3 of them would hit the main street.
one driver came to a stop & the other performed a 180.
His reaction was automatic as he flicked the switch.
8 tires screamed leaving smoke & burnt rubber in the mix.
one following the other while Mark swiftly flipped the script
shifting to the next gear he closed off the distance quick.
As he got closer, he noticed both drivers had their differences
One car was older but seemed to be restored to perfection
A black Mustang with a yellow stripe gaining more speed per second.
the other, a newer car. Royal Blue with a deeper hue in the reflection.
Back up....en route Car 38....at....Palisades..intersection.
with the roar of the engines, the message went undelivered.
or unnoticed, in that moment the option is lost once considered.
One car had made a hard right while the other continued its course
He jerked the wheel pulling his handbrake drifting into Bridgeport.
with enough speed to stay in gear he started shifting into 4th.
trailing 4 car lengths behind he started to close the gap again.
downshifting he swerved & prevented himself from an accident
Mark panicked when the car he was chasing ran a red light.
He had seen the oncoming headlights from a charging semi.
as the truck sped by it caused the Royal racer to spin, fishtailed
the back end a shell of its former self, leaving an oil slick trail
a mixture of a sick snail & Hansel from a Brothers Grimm tail.
as Mark approached the cries of pain were lost in traffic.
in that moment he heard the mutterings of a Boston accent.
Mark smirked at the words uttered fawking cars an automatic
I could have stolen the fawking manual but its a fawking automatic
goddamit...

Frank · 05-11-2016, 05:49 PM

Adonis
Comparing sneezing in someones face to blasting an assault weapon at them is clever, imo. Was fond of the revealing. The build up wasn't what it potentially could've been, which is unfair to say, because this might very well be your 'ceiling'. You went for close quarters story telling, with every line, built upon, others. But what was actually transpiring? Didn't sense much thought progression. Though I do think this a focused effort on your behalf. Technically sound: with a point of utilizing multies early on. Later on - you would revert back to a more poetic flow, neglecting the usage of multies all together, which is something you are more prone to do. Such a clear and sudden contrast in rhyming styles was interesting, to say the least. You know I prefer your less rigid rhymes, opposed to when you awkwardly attempt to conform to the standard ABAB Schemes. Couple moments confused me. For instance, 'scoot' on your hands? Capitalizing Mr. J's name for the 3rd consecutive time? lol. Yeah, it was cool the first time but, that tactics lost its magic now. Calling Mr. J a dick and capitalizing his name again just makes you look like a one trick poney, kid. You lose major points in my book for that. Found it pathetic actually, lol. Idea is dope otherwise, you just didn't give that dope idea the proper attention it deserved creatively speaking.
Mr. J
High speed chase setting with a lot of shifting from line to line without much momentous 6-10 line run offs that you normally fire off. This was totally immersive though. You successfully created a bandit and copper, old-school, getaway scene, equipped with car jargon references. Personally felt like I was riding shotgun through the whole verse. Good job conceptually. Putting the reader into the car with you and keeping them enthralled with unexpected turn of events. Cool. The first time I read this, it ended on a "fawking cars an automatic". It appears you've added a different ending. You from Boston? Nonetheless, I dipped my donut in that troopers 7/11 coffee. The mechanics could've used a little tightening to truly make the verse excel off the page. Good action based approach to the topic. Sometimes the most obvious approach is the key.

Overall
Adonis flipped the topic more creatively, but Mr. J did so more thoroughly and convincingly.

You guys are quickly becoming one of the better rivalires in the history of the AOWL.

MVGT Mr. J

pardon the brevity

Inno · 05-11-2016, 08:17 PM

This was a dope battle. You both deserve props for the creativity alone.

Adonis.

This was dope from the get bro. I dug the direction and the tone you took. You know thinking about your verse and inevitably to stop a sneeze, i mean that dam near like spelling automatic lol. Props on that foreal.

J

You dropped some heat bruh. Str8 fire son. This verse was a world in its own. You managed to capture my attention with an interest read from start to finish..great diction and dope cadence. You manage to always keep a nice flow despite your long lines.

Overall

This is a tuffy tho. I mean st face value J gets the vote on sheer content alone. But adonis was clever with his verse and dropped something that was equivalent to what J dropped in my eyes. Its a matter of preference at this point. Fick man this wax such a dope battle. Fuck it ama go with adonis. I feel like i gotta reward his creativity with a vote. Dope dope battle fellas forreal.

Razah · 05-12-2016, 09:36 PM

Adonis, dope verse. I really fuck with the concept, was not expecting that at all. That's what's up man, good shit. If I remember right, this is the second 'sneak diss' towards Mr. J, and the better of the two (that I read).

Also, I'm finding it difficult to see how we write alike (your words, not mine). The second half of your verse was more 'poetic' and less multi rhyming, which is something I rarely do. I dunno, just some random shit. Anyways, solid verse man.

Mr. J, this shit was dope too. Best battle I've read so far. Story telling was on point, it was kind of a long verse, but the 'action' kept me intrigued. Describing burning tires, turning on certain streets, all that shit made it super on point.

Tough vote, but, I think I enjoyed Mr. J's verse slightly more. SLIGHTLY more, very dope battle though guys.

vMr. J

Adverse · 05-12-2016, 10:04 PM

I really liked Adonis flip on the topic, which I don't think anyone saw coming, my only problem with your verse is it felt a bit bare bones in some places, the concept was far from bad and you put the story together well, I don't know it just felt lacking. It's on the tip of my tongue, but I can't grasp it, i'll let you know if I figure it out.

Mr. J wrote probably the best verse i've seen of his while being in the AOWL, very well told story, the multis strung everything together very nicely and it just all felt like reading a Fast and Furious scene, pretty cool story, overall very good verse and it felt like I was in Mark's shoes.

Overall, both of you guys came really nice this week and both had real dope topics, I got Mr. J taking this just by a little though because I found his verse a little bit more enjoyable, I respect you both and the effort you put forth this week, great job.

V/Mr. J

asylum · 05-13-2016, 02:59 AM

Adonis – brooo this piece was great. The achoo at the end fucking FLOORED me. I love these tongue in cheek topical pieces man, great work.
Mr. J – dropped a beast of a piece and had way too much detail and imagery to get beaten this week.

Mvgt mr. j because he obviously invested a shitload of time into the piece and he hit the topic just as well as his opponent. Enjoyed Adonis piece immensely tho, further breakdowns in mag.

05-06-2016, 12:28 AM	#1
asylum Senior Member Join Date: Sep 2014 Posts: 993 Battle Record: 7-5 Rep Power: 8214208	Week 10: Mr. J vs Adonis [MR. J WINS 4-1] Season 6 Verses are due MONDAY 5/9 11:59 PST Voting ends WEDNESDAY 5/11 11:59 PST Verses May Not Exceed 48 Lines Voting on four battles is required. If you win and don't vote the requirement you will receive a loss instead. If you lose and don't vote the requirement, you will receive a one-week suspension. Please post links to your four votes in the voting thread. Topic: "Automatic" Good luck to both participants. @Mr. J (5-4) vs @Adonis (3-4) Last edited by asylum; 05-13-2016 at 05:17 AM.

05-06-2016, 01:11 PM	#2
Adonis Tsk Tsk Join Date: Feb 2013 Location: Beer Goggles Posts: 4,834 Battle Record: 36-34 Champed - Lime Green Poetry Association - NFL Pick'em 2016-17 Rep Power: 9946446	Listen closely as you lurk in the dark And a conversation just might be heard on your part You squint as if that would heighten their voice You turn your head so ears point right at the noise Words muzzled; Contents unclear And lip reading is just too constant from here This dusty corner holds no resolve in the cards So the decks shuffled as you inch toward the mark A simple misstep and “Poof” goes your chance So caution’s exercised as you scoot on your hands Knees shuffle in silence, ears perched on the wall Oxygen’s free, so why can’t you observe with no fault? Nosy indeed, You Dick; Private Eye in the ski Mr. Jones might be socially awkward and can’t socialize But you, you’re different, a true super sleuth Fedora and all, dressed for the part in a suit Not afraid of the shadows concealing the truth Wiling to open the blinds and reveal any ruse You find your footing, a stones throw away from the two Vocals are heard, information set loose Suddenly, one of the two move a bit shifty Your eyes widen and your heart picks up briskly A single shout kills the quite, air whizzes right by you You were invisible, but this doesn’t matter when you’re disguise proof You close your eyes tightly, A mask for the weak But even a brave soul will wince in defeat So you duck, just too late, you’ve been struck in the face A moist spray beads up as you wipe it away You look at your glove in hopes of not seeing red Success, cause nothing can be seen from your shadowy bed No matter, buckshot isn’t always a shower that’s fatal But in this case you’ll cower alone in a cradle “Gazuntite” automatically said as the conversation ensues You were hit with the flu and not bullets that flew You’re jittery, true, but you’ll live with a glorious tale Survived a shoot out, at least that’s the story you’ll sell Achoo __________________ I'm tryna fuck like A-don-is TUPAC SHAKUR Last edited by Adonis; 05-10-2016 at 12:23 AM.

05-07-2016, 12:25 AM	#3
Mr. J The Clown Prince Join Date: Apr 2013 Posts: 5,033 Battle Record: 35-45 Champed - Art of Writing League Rep Power: 59349679	In the city of the proud, where the lights shine the brightest. Mark started doing his rounds on one of his first assignments. driven by others doubts & his own excitement on 15th & High-wind the bitter years as a cadet were long behind him... so much time spent developing new skills for each new crisis. theivery was on the rise with an abrupt decline in violence while waiting in silence, enjoying a large cup of soaked extract a combination of espresso grounds & a cream coated head wrap. the night is closer to ending. remain composed & steadfast... he can no longer control it, he had to go.Good ol Ex Lax his radio scrambled & he thought...smooth move shithead waddling back he heard ..on the lookout for a new blue intrepid as the roar of 2 engines revved. a bumblebee following a fish head. instead of listening. he swung his door open as he dipped left. Mark hesitated turning his lights & siren on as they hit 10th... A few more blocks & all 3 of them would hit the main street. one driver came to a stop & the other performed a 180. His reaction was automatic as he flicked the switch. 8 tires screamed leaving smoke & burnt rubber in the mix. one following the other while Mark swiftly flipped the script shifting to the next gear he closed off the distance quick. As he got closer, he noticed both drivers had their differences One car was older but seemed to be restored to perfection A black Mustang with a yellow stripe gaining more speed per second. the other, a newer car. Royal Blue with a deeper hue in the reflection. Back up....en route Car 38....at....Palisades..intersection. with the roar of the engines, the message went undelivered. or unnoticed, in that moment the option is lost once considered. One car had made a hard right while the other continued its course He jerked the wheel pulling his handbrake drifting into Bridgeport. with enough speed to stay in gear he started shifting into 4th. trailing 4 car lengths behind he started to close the gap again. downshifting he swerved & prevented himself from an accident Mark panicked when the car he was chasing ran a red light. He had seen the oncoming headlights from a charging semi. as the truck sped by it caused the Royal racer to spin, fishtailed the back end a shell of its former self, leaving an oil slick trail a mixture of a sick snail & Hansel from a Brothers Grimm tail. as Mark approached the cries of pain were lost in traffic. in that moment he heard the mutterings of a Boston accent. Mark smirked at the words uttered fawking cars an automatic I could have stolen the fawking manual but its a fawking automatic goddamit... __________________ .....laugh....and the world laughs with you Last edited by Mr. J; 05-09-2016 at 09:14 PM.

05-11-2016, 05:49 PM	#4
Frank Senior Member Join Date: Oct 2001 Posts: 3,228 Champed - NWL Season 2 - Art of Writing League (5x) - Lime Green Poetry Association - AOWL Season 6 - AOWL Season 10 Rep Power: 3853344	Adonis Comparing sneezing in someones face to blasting an assault weapon at them is clever, imo. Was fond of the revealing. The build up wasn't what it potentially could've been, which is unfair to say, because this might very well be your 'ceiling'. You went for close quarters story telling, with every line, built upon, others. But what was actually transpiring? Didn't sense much thought progression. Though I do think this a focused effort on your behalf. Technically sound: with a point of utilizing multies early on. Later on - you would revert back to a more poetic flow, neglecting the usage of multies all together, which is something you are more prone to do. Such a clear and sudden contrast in rhyming styles was interesting, to say the least. You know I prefer your less rigid rhymes, opposed to when you awkwardly attempt to conform to the standard ABAB Schemes. Couple moments confused me. For instance, 'scoot' on your hands? Capitalizing Mr. J's name for the 3rd consecutive time? lol. Yeah, it was cool the first time but, that tactics lost its magic now. Calling Mr. J a dick and capitalizing his name again just makes you look like a one trick poney, kid. You lose major points in my book for that. Found it pathetic actually, lol. Idea is dope otherwise, you just didn't give that dope idea the proper attention it deserved creatively speaking. Mr. J High speed chase setting with a lot of shifting from line to line without much momentous 6-10 line run offs that you normally fire off. This was totally immersive though. You successfully created a bandit and copper, old-school, getaway scene, equipped with car jargon references. Personally felt like I was riding shotgun through the whole verse. Good job conceptually. Putting the reader into the car with you and keeping them enthralled with unexpected turn of events. Cool. The first time I read this, it ended on a "fawking cars an automatic". It appears you've added a different ending. You from Boston? Nonetheless, I dipped my donut in that troopers 7/11 coffee. The mechanics could've used a little tightening to truly make the verse excel off the page. Good action based approach to the topic. Sometimes the most obvious approach is the key. Overall Adonis flipped the topic more creatively, but Mr. J did so more thoroughly and convincingly. You guys are quickly becoming one of the better rivalires in the history of the AOWL. MVGT Mr. J pardon the brevity __________________ *VETWORK* Last edited by Frank; 05-12-2016 at 12:31 PM.

05-11-2016, 08:17 PM	#5
Inno Ad mini tator Join Date: Feb 2013 Posts: 10,005 Battle Record: 26-54 Champed - Lime Green Poetry Association - Black August - 1-2 Punch League Rep Power: 85899400	This was a dope battle. You both deserve props for the creativity alone. Adonis. This was dope from the get bro. I dug the direction and the tone you took. You know thinking about your verse and inevitably to stop a sneeze, i mean that dam near like spelling automatic lol. Props on that foreal. J You dropped some heat bruh. Str8 fire son. This verse was a world in its own. You managed to capture my attention with an interest read from start to finish..great diction and dope cadence. You manage to always keep a nice flow despite your long lines. Overall This is a tuffy tho. I mean st face value J gets the vote on sheer content alone. But adonis was clever with his verse and dropped something that was equivalent to what J dropped in my eyes. Its a matter of preference at this point. Fick man this wax such a dope battle. Fuck it ama go with adonis. I feel like i gotta reward his creativity with a vote. Dope dope battle fellas forreal.

05-12-2016, 09:36 PM	#6
Razah rockkFresh Join Date: Apr 2015 Location: Chicago. Posts: 1,088 Battle Record: 8-10 Champed - Art of Writing League Rep Power: 11328542	Adonis, dope verse. I really fuck with the concept, was not expecting that at all. That's what's up man, good shit. If I remember right, this is the second 'sneak diss' towards Mr. J, and the better of the two (that I read). Also, I'm finding it difficult to see how we write alike (your words, not mine). The second half of your verse was more 'poetic' and less multi rhyming, which is something I rarely do. I dunno, just some random shit. Anyways, solid verse man. Mr. J, this shit was dope too. Best battle I've read so far. Story telling was on point, it was kind of a long verse, but the 'action' kept me intrigued. Describing burning tires, turning on certain streets, all that shit made it super on point. Tough vote, but, I think I enjoyed Mr. J's verse slightly more. SLIGHTLY more, very dope battle though guys. vMr. J

05-12-2016, 10:04 PM	#7
Adverse low tide in serotonin bay Join Date: Jul 2013 Posts: 2,747 Battle Record: 37-28 Champed - GWL Picture Challenge - Guerrilla Writing League - Black August II Rep Power: 15446143	I really liked Adonis flip on the topic, which I don't think anyone saw coming, my only problem with your verse is it felt a bit bare bones in some places, the concept was far from bad and you put the story together well, I don't know it just felt lacking. It's on the tip of my tongue, but I can't grasp it, i'll let you know if I figure it out. Mr. J wrote probably the best verse i've seen of his while being in the AOWL, very well told story, the multis strung everything together very nicely and it just all felt like reading a Fast and Furious scene, pretty cool story, overall very good verse and it felt like I was in Mark's shoes. Overall, both of you guys came really nice this week and both had real dope topics, I got Mr. J taking this just by a little though because I found his verse a little bit more enjoyable, I respect you both and the effort you put forth this week, great job. V/Mr. J

05-13-2016, 02:59 AM	#8
asylum Senior Member Join Date: Sep 2014 Posts: 993 Battle Record: 7-5 Rep Power: 8214208	Adonis – brooo this piece was great. The achoo at the end fucking FLOORED me. I love these tongue in cheek topical pieces man, great work. Mr. J – dropped a beast of a piece and had way too much detail and imagery to get beaten this week. Mvgt mr. j because he obviously invested a shitload of time into the piece and he hit the topic just as well as his opponent. Enjoyed Adonis piece immensely tho, further breakdowns in mag.