The Rain

Tom · 02-24-2016, 12:15 AM

I remember the sight of crimson washing into the sewer drain,
no, I never knew her pain and couldn't afford to create newer stains.
She slit her wrists behind the church where her father preached,
a daughter he'd caress beyond the average monster's needs.
I came around the corner as she weeped and slowly fell asleep,
felt compelled to scream, instead I just held her comfortably.
She couldn't speak, as if God was telling her it'd be a waste of time,
and her skin became a shade of white paper couldn't imitate if tried.
Colder than ice yet smoother than wine, rich enough to pay the fine,
my brain unwinds, before she died, I wonder if she could taste demise?
Amazed by it all, but mostly, I simply gaze through the London rain,
the sudden change of pace like it can sense the beloved fade.
It brushes her face, as if to wash away the very idea of decay,
I'm stunned by it's display, or maybe I'm in shock, who's to say?
My jeans are soaked, plus I'm late, but I still hold her in place,
to cope is strange considering I didn't even know her name.
I remember the sight of sirens as they drifted around the corner,
surrounded by disorder, all I could focus on was the sound of composure.
The Rain.

Split Eight · 02-24-2016, 06:54 AM

Hello dagel

2tripple0 · 02-24-2016, 08:49 AM

Ehh could a been better there wasn't enough content and some of it sounded basic but still enjoyed the rhymes and thanks for the read

Mr. J · 03-01-2016, 12:25 PM

After the first line that newer stains line just made me cringe...
I enjoy how you wrap the rhyme around into the next line & continue going though
some of the wording could be bulked up a bit though, when you said as if it kind of made me want to stop
& mention that it felt out of context to use...I dont know it just feels weird to me
but you develop an interesting story & use a decent rhyme scheme to keep my attention long enough to finish.

taste demise seems like weird wording as well as rich enough to pay the fine
I know you want to keep the multi use going as long as possible but there are times when you just gotta step away from it
regardless you paint a decent picture & have a formidable vocab, a little more work & I may applaud your presence
keep it up

02-24-2016, 12:15 AM	#1
Tom Save the Queen Join Date: Feb 2016 Posts: 8 Rep Power: 0	The Rain I remember the sight of crimson washing into the sewer drain, no, I never knew her pain and couldn't afford to create newer stains. She slit her wrists behind the church where her father preached, a daughter he'd caress beyond the average monster's needs. I came around the corner as she weeped and slowly fell asleep, felt compelled to scream, instead I just held her comfortably. She couldn't speak, as if God was telling her it'd be a waste of time, and her skin became a shade of white paper couldn't imitate if tried. Colder than ice yet smoother than wine, rich enough to pay the fine, my brain unwinds, before she died, I wonder if she could taste demise? Amazed by it all, but mostly, I simply gaze through the London rain, the sudden change of pace like it can sense the beloved fade. It brushes her face, as if to wash away the very idea of decay, I'm stunned by it's display, or maybe I'm in shock, who's to say? My jeans are soaked, plus I'm late, but I still hold her in place, to cope is strange considering I didn't even know her name. I remember the sight of sirens as they drifted around the corner, surrounded by disorder, all I could focus on was the sound of composure. The Rain. __________________ PEAKY RHYMERS

02-24-2016, 08:49 AM	#3
2tripple0 death warmed over Join Date: Jan 2013 Location: Downstairs illstreet dam Posts: 2,564 Battle Record: 6-21 Rep Power: 0	Ehh could a been better there wasn't enough content and some of it sounded basic but still enjoyed the rhymes and thanks for the read __________________ https://soundcloud.com/user-876573949/ https://soundcloud.com/user-634430314/

03-01-2016, 12:25 PM	#4
Mr. J The Clown Prince Join Date: Apr 2013 Posts: 5,046 Battle Record: 35-45 Champed - Art of Writing League Rep Power: 59349682	After the first line that newer stains line just made me cringe... I enjoy how you wrap the rhyme around into the next line & continue going though some of the wording could be bulked up a bit though, when you said as if it kind of made me want to stop & mention that it felt out of context to use...I dont know it just feels weird to me but you develop an interesting story & use a decent rhyme scheme to keep my attention long enough to finish. taste demise seems like weird wording as well as rich enough to pay the fine I know you want to keep the multi use going as long as possible but there are times when you just gotta step away from it regardless you paint a decent picture & have a formidable vocab, a little more work & I may applaud your presence keep it up __________________ .....laugh....and the world laughs with you