Shut The Door You Idiot...It's Cold Out There

Mr. J · 01-02-2015, 05:48 PM

Get your sense knocked out, a door & a fence brought out
run free & get the flock out..comic effects are like PAAADOOAWWW
I have these flaps to keep the mud out, your flaps are run down..
a perfect umbrella when the suns out, yea I said it..what now??
I'm a performance expert, I flex whenever I'm near the 'text' word
the anomaly under pressure, probably due to the idiots & censors
probably not but it get's worse..I deliver the carpet & pull rug textures..
meaning you'll be meeting the ground..pussy, I eat it then pound
you like to kiss when genital diseases around, I eat 'fresh' no yeast, no doubt..
I go beast & I bounce, you get close, you smoke, fall asleep in her house
you call her 'wife' I call her 'later', if she a Barbie Girl she rides the Aqua elevator
getting wet downtown, splash another 3, take a shot from a pocketed container
get lit, Prometheus of these geniuses, cavemen go 'ugh' hop on each others penises'
I say 'yeuch' you say it's a 'New Year' but I'm in it for a slice of the pie
people think it's time to blow up, I burn your block down since gas prices aren't high...
I am, in fact I'm flying...and it feels like I might have Snoop Dogg driving..
check out this Soul plane...where there's so man dead heads that are thriving
it's ridiculous...but come right in...

Objective · 01-02-2015, 06:24 PM

Enjoyed the content, but didn't like the first four lines at all. ''Out'' was way too repetitive even though you're doing the ''but the word before it rhymes!!!'', it's a personal thing though since I got beef with that trend. And that PAAADOOAWWW would have worked better if I had managed to make it work properly with something, as a reader I didn't get the desired effect I guess. After the first four lines however it gets better in that department and I enjoyed what you were putting forth. Decent written with some funny wordplay and references here and there like the Barbie/Aqua thing. It was pretty cool, but not among the better things you've written imo.

El Muffin · 01-03-2015, 04:10 AM

that was the worst onnamommaigottapeeuh I ever seen im my life

but I enjoyed the read

your one of my favorites..but for a different reason than why I like dead man and certains stuff

"Prometheus of these geniuses, cavemen go 'ugh' hop on each others penises' "

gone.

hahahahaaaaaaa

holocene · 01-06-2015, 07:36 AM

hello Mr. J, nice writing here. The word choice was atypical of others in a good way. I think the writing was more seamed together and traditional than many writings here, it was more speaking to people than a dramatized soliloquy. One could imagine this being recited on a street corner, that is the style of delivery. It was a good length, not drawn out but satisfying.

01-02-2015, 05:48 PM	#1
Mr. J The Clown Prince Join Date: Apr 2013 Posts: 5,046 Battle Record: 35-45 Champed - Art of Writing League Rep Power: 59349682	Shut The Door You Idiot...It's Cold Out There Get your sense knocked out, a door & a fence brought out run free & get the flock out..comic effects are like PAAADOOAWWW I have these flaps to keep the mud out, your flaps are run down.. a perfect umbrella when the suns out, yea I said it..what now?? I'm a performance expert, I flex whenever I'm near the 'text' word the anomaly under pressure, probably due to the idiots & censors probably not but it get's worse..I deliver the carpet & pull rug textures.. meaning you'll be meeting the ground..pussy, I eat it then pound you like to kiss when genital diseases around, I eat 'fresh' no yeast, no doubt.. I go beast & I bounce, you get close, you smoke, fall asleep in her house you call her 'wife' I call her 'later', if she a Barbie Girl she rides the Aqua elevator getting wet downtown, splash another 3, take a shot from a pocketed container get lit, Prometheus of these geniuses, cavemen go 'ugh' hop on each others penises' I say 'yeuch' you say it's a 'New Year' but I'm in it for a slice of the pie people think it's time to blow up, I burn your block down since gas prices aren't high... I am, in fact I'm flying...and it feels like I might have Snoop Dogg driving.. check out this Soul plane...where there's so man dead heads that are thriving it's ridiculous...but come right in... __________________ .....laugh....and the world laughs with you

01-02-2015, 06:24 PM	#2
Objective ( ͡º ͜ʖ ͡º) Join Date: Jan 2013 Posts: 3,868 Battle Record: 17-32 Rep Power: 52474192	Enjoyed the content, but didn't like the first four lines at all. ''Out'' was way too repetitive even though you're doing the ''but the word before it rhymes!!!'', it's a personal thing though since I got beef with that trend. And that PAAADOOAWWW would have worked better if I had managed to make it work properly with something, as a reader I didn't get the desired effect I guess. After the first four lines however it gets better in that department and I enjoyed what you were putting forth. Decent written with some funny wordplay and references here and there like the Barbie/Aqua thing. It was pretty cool, but not among the better things you've written imo. __________________ I'm not a slave for entertainment, I'm entertainments personal slave, So deep into writing I'm concerned bout the text on my grave. www.youtube.com/watch?v=gV8ozGcGJ6o

01-03-2015, 04:10 AM	#3
El Muffin DOHpe since 02' Join Date: Aug 2004 Location: Surrounded by white ppl Posts: 14,690 Battle Record: 43-24 Champed - Netcees Battle League - 1-2 Punch Onslaught - 1-2 Punch League - Hot or Thot Roast - Hot or Thot 2018 - Fight Night 11 - NPL Roast Rep Power: 34230535	that was the worst onnamommaigottapeeuh I ever seen im my life but I enjoyed the read your one of my favorites..but for a different reason than why I like dead man and certains stuff "Prometheus of these geniuses, cavemen go 'ugh' hop on each others penises' " gone. hahahahaaaaaaa __________________ It’s like weed in Highschool- w/ the cans I’ll smoke you Bitch I floss . I Got the chain out to see like Constantinople

01-06-2015, 07:36 AM	#4
holocene brkn lghts Join Date: Jan 2015 Posts: 9 Rep Power: 0	hello Mr. J, nice writing here. The word choice was atypical of others in a good way. I think the writing was more seamed together and traditional than many writings here, it was more speaking to people than a dramatized soliloquy. One could imagine this being recited on a street corner, that is the style of delivery. It was a good length, not drawn out but satisfying.