The Wall

[Mercy]

20 years ago, my brother and I visited a war veterans memorial
Walking by, we saw our mothers name as we progressed through the tutorial
It really hit me, seeing my mothers name engraved on that wall
Thinking of her death in battle had brought back the pain of it all
She was a real hero, fighting to keep our country on it's feet
It's sad to say that my mom's life was just a flashing memory
She left for duty when I was 5, and that's the last that I saw her
2 months later, I found a goodbye note she hid in my drawer
"I will miss you, Johnny. But Ill be back. Hugs and kisses. XOXO."
Thinking about it makes me tear up, it's so hard to let go
My father passed of a suicide when I was just 3...
I thought it was selfish of him, wondering if he even loved me
It hurt my mother too, but that didn't stop her from fighting
And every time she would return, we would cry in excitement
My brother told me "Johnny, you're too young to understand
Mom does love you, but she also has a great love for our land."
That really made me understand the saying "stick up for what you believe in"
And with that, every ounce of respect I had was given to her, and her achievements

I just wish I had more time to spend with her, after she passed
It made me wonder if it was God's decision, I was happy but mad
Happy that she was given her wings, becoming God's newest angel
But mad at the fact that my mother was gone, my thoughts and feelings were drained
For a while, I felt lost, I was stuck inside a feeble child's head
Wishing I could have my hero back, as my smile dread
Living with abusive aunt, I wish that God told me...
I was laying in bed, crying myself asleep listening to Bon Jovi
Those words "dead or alive" made me contemplate whether I should continue
My feelings were shattered, I'd wake up crying, saying "Mom! I miss you!"

But now 20 years later, I take a walk to that wall
After organizing a life, thinking I was done with it all
But my feelings were shattered again, as I was battered in pain
As I shed a fountain of tears, as I read my brothers name

I kissed my hand and touched the wall, as my mother and brothers names stood beside each other.

[Mercy]

Anyone??

[Geno]

Not diggin the mom at war theme. Writing is ok. Lines are a little drawns out andd content felt predictable and repetitive at times

[ogiatje]

I dig the concept overall but the execution of it was a bit lackluster. first off it lacked personality.

I was laying in bed, crying myself asleep listening to Bon Jovi
this was the only line where i felt like i actually got an idea of the writers personality, the rest was something that i feel like was from the perspective of anyone whether i know them or not. the specifics add a lot whether they seem like they relate to the story or not.

I feel like if you worked on rhyme scheme this could be much better also. your format is super simple and lacks multis or internal rhymes or anything of that nature. the simple format is a plus but without some other technical aspects added onto it it creates for a verse that looks relatively amatuerish. keep writing and maybe focus on some more detail and differing rhyme schemes.

[Mercy]

I know what multies and internals are, and i use them in most of my pieces, but I was looking for a more emotionally captive image with this. I cant do that all the while trying to be lyrical.

Thanks.