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#1 |
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 8,898
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Dear Mr. Vernon,
The real Mr. Vernon. The sad statement, stranded behind the lab table caricatures. That decaf stained, glass-paned bachelor's pad is no home at all. Living inside a wrinkle in time. Wearing your suit like your students sheets, torn from the top at the morning bell, dressed in a bunching scrawl. Badly ragged, the classic 'sad bespoke.' Metallic tone dulled & tempered. Living outside those margins, red doodles in a yellowing memo book. An empty masters- the room you left, and maybe wake up from... & return to, day in, day out, a daydream that has lost its appeal, and wear on your fourth wall, a pin through a purple heart. You wouldn't know. You gaze at the ceiling, happily in the dark if only for a few moments. "If only" for your entire life- every period marked by a rude awakening. I see now, our generation of rebels that set out to be unlike any of those that came before, accept that laziness is what makes us uncrumple those balled up sheets in solemn defeat, and pour over old notes in hopes of the answers. Though you haven't taught a day in your life, Mr. Vernon, you never told us (like the others) that "teaching is a noble pursuit" yet we were convinced you were bent on making our lives a living hell. I have since learned otherwise & want to thank you for the education. Sincerely, no-one, in particular
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http://split8.yolasite.com Last edited by Split; 10-22-2014 at 03:27 AM. |
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#2 |
living
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 3,485
Battle Record: 33-18
Accomplishments - Hall of Fame
Champed - AOWL Season 1
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ATTENTION @Split
This automated notification is a friendly reminder for you to provide (2) links to other member submissions that you left adequate feedback to. If you have already posted your links, disregard this notification.
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Zack Wicks for president |
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#3 |
Mad fucking dangerous.
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 12,066
Battle Record: 40-19
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That's the first time I have ever seen dead man reply to an Open Mic verse.
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#4 |
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 8,898
Battle Record: 27-22
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http://netcees.co/showthread.php?t=101947
http://netcees.co/showthread.php?t=100042 http://netcees.co/showthread.php?t=101443
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http://split8.yolasite.com Last edited by Split; 10-22-2014 at 04:08 AM. |
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#5 |
living
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 3,485
Battle Record: 33-18
Accomplishments - Hall of Fame
Champed - AOWL Season 1
- Art of Writing League
- AOWL Season 4
- Write Week V
- GWL Season 1
Rep Power: 77606679 ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() |
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negged for blatant inaccuracy
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Zack Wicks for president |
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#6 |
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 8,898
Battle Record: 27-22
Rep Power: 85899399 ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() |
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I can confirm, I was Miss Mezzaluna overlapping her fuselage
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http://split8.yolasite.com |
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#7 |
Senior Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 501
Battle Record: 33-12
Accomplishments - OM HOF (2x)
Champed - Art of Writing League (3x)
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This is good free form and less rhyme-centric writing. Only one critique for the use of the two "I's." Somehow the omnipresent narration felt much stronger than when you switched to that kind of disinterested first-person. The little sign-off at the end only further makes these two I's feel out of place. The character is a nice three dimensional being, I especially enjoyed the nuanced maturity with which you enmeshed his personal life and his professional life. E.g., "Living outside those margins, red doodles in a yellowing memo book. An empty masters- the room you left, and maybe wake up from..." It is quite sad, I understand that strange feeling of respect mixed with pity (I guess?) when you know someone who is seemingly completely dedicated to their work to the exclusion of other interests. You really elicited this balance between respect and pity (again, I'm not sure if pity is right, but I can't think of a better word for it). This could have so easily been condescending or unintentionally mean-spirited but it wasn't. It maintained that level of respect throughout, and that was the key for the strength of the overall writing here.
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#8 |
The Clown Prince
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 5,046
Battle Record: 35-45
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I enjoy the living outside the margins build up, that was nice
this whole letter written poem of anxiety and such was sweet it made me feel the urgency to continue reading and I did... in fact as I kept reading..then An empty masters- the room you left, and maybe wake up from... & return to, day in, day out, a daydream that has lost its appeal, and wear on your fourth wall, a pin through a purple heart. You wouldn't know. You gaze at the ceiling, happily in the dark if only for a few moments. very interesting work Split...keep it up
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.....laugh....and the world laughs with you |
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#9 |
nok Su kow
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 4,505
Battle Record: 1-1
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Shit was cray cray mah nig
Stay street Liked the start, the shit stain bachelor maxi pad or whatever Listen to: Love and Light - you're the reason why Ruff Hauser - Flossed Thriftworks - caduceus Sugarpill - we will never know Ibenji - broken box Jphelpz - clipz, Low frequency Anything "Heyoka" has ever made. Airy Dub is my favorite track by him. Purgatory dub is sick also. All his shit is bonker bass tho. Coffi has sick shit also. Stoned funk is a sick track him. Along with mushroom kingdom VIP .. Edit: just found this sick fuck named Ry Legit. Only listened to "down lower" and "lock in" but they are bananafucknuts.. pce Re edit : Ry Legit - Wobbulator will blow your subs. my god
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"black as midnight..black as pitch blacker than the soul of the foulest witch" Last edited by Wise Wiggles; 10-23-2014 at 06:53 PM. |
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#10 |
SOBER
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 12,480
Battle Record: 2-5
Champed - AOWL Season 2
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This was great. Probably one of your best five open mics/verses, I'd think. From 'If only' on was just top tier stuff.
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Netcees 2025 Revivalist Movement Founder |
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