Week 5: Adverse vs brokenhal0 ADVERSE WINS

[Inno]

GUERRILLA WRITING LEAGUE


@Adverse @brokenhal0


Max line: 30

Min: 10

Check in: 48 hours after thread post

Due date: April 24, 2020 MIDNIGHT EST TIME

Topic: This week we have 7 battles so we are doing a 7 deadly sins themed topic this week. You will receive one of the 7 deadly sins. All you have to do is incorporate the sin into your story any way you choose. Think of it as a jumping off point to something broader. Enjoy!

Your topic is : PRIDE

GOODLUCK!

[Inno]

Halo -1 vote for no votes last week

[Adverse]

Ready to go! Check, good luck

[brokenhal0]

'PRIDE'

Pride is like a gateway drug from which all other sins are sprung
opportunities will cease to come once a hubris beast has sung
speak of greener pastures but stay in the freezing mud
opportunities will cease to continue if you brush them aside
do it for pride do it for spite boasting to better your life
time is a loop i get ahead of the right get ahead of the night
fall from heavenly vice lets be precise
im better then you i know im better with hype
like a chemist mixing the white a narcissist my heart is on ice
i hope your aware of the tortoise and the hare
you thought ahead and thought you don't care
falling asleep i start slow cause all of y'all weak
woke and got beat the father of greed
pride is pawns on the board the horns on the stag
why i enjoy all that is wrong and all that is bad
I don't participate I stay to my self
pray to myself real pride im okay with this hell
placed my faith in the real admired by every netcee
that's the only time i can sense 'ME' gratified personally
while treating y'all like shit i don't reply i don't post i don't vote
i just spit and keep it moving pride and im speaking threw it
rude and foolish when your a winner confidence is useless
a lose noose-less a nuisance if you knew less
the ship sinks and the fools jet ill stick my pecs out in due flex
possessed and entitled i feel best stepping on the necks of my rivals
until this glass house collapses and i die next to the title
find strength in humility to conquer self soliloquy
when god set your seals on fire to find that ability
PRIDE

[Adverse]

"I said I'M ALRIGHT!"
I scream to the invading light prying through spaces in the blinds
It's my favorite lie, it keeps at bay the gazing eyes
But my problem isn't the substance in my veins; it's pride
Doze off but being choked awake by ghastly hands of apparitions
Good intentions but these bad actions made the phantoms indigenous
Mom leaves a prayer on my voicemail daily, she's mad religious
But how can such a wonderful savior love me when I'm masked with massive blemishes
Still finding escape in that vinyl player placed on the dresser
Digging through the crates but a Better Me was misplaced with my "Make Yourself" record
Calms my head a bit but when depression hits i start to question shit
Yelling back at the soundwaves "WHY?" when Switchfoot says I'm Meant to Live
Preacher preacher there's really no need to reason with my sin
You can call me a monster, tell me about my evilness within..
And your words can cut deep but can't reach that needle in my skin
"God works in mysterious ways?" No he works when it's convenient for him!
What a beautiful release, small damp cloth applied to keep the bleedin down
I've went 20 years without a savior, why the HELL would i need one now?
…..years have passed, i regress, a slow decline
Carried away by currents, at mercy to the ebb and flow of time
I drag my feet across the pavement, feeling like I'm being eyed by the pines
Being looked down on by the buildings, being hounded by the sky
The burning sun piggybacking me, reminds me it's half past noon
I wear these apparent holes in my soul, gaze fixated on my tattered shoes
There's a faint voice in my head, "I'll make you see what you couldn't before…"
Thought i was wandering aimlessly but look up to see two wooden doors
When i burst through them, every person turns to put eyes on me
Both pupils drowning in the tears, running to the voice I'm hearing finally
I drop to my knees at the altar "please purge me of my sins and this life i lead!
Guide me through my anxieties I lay my pride at your feet, Jesus Christ, my king.."

[Universe]

brokenhal0 - We almost replaced you bro lol... Make sure you check in on time. Anyway, your verse... Yeah, I mean I get that it's pride and you dropped a braggadocious rhyme displaying your pride in your own abilities, but this is a topical league my friend. In my mind I tune in to see a story based on your topic, not... whatever this was. To me this piece belonged in the Open Mic section, not in the GWL. Just my opinion. Maybe others will enjoy it or get something out of it... I certaintly didn't.

Adverse - Cool piece here. This was a drug-fueled dream like haze that seemed to suddenly (and ironically over many years in the story) switch to a saved-by-religion vibe. A tad bit literal for my taste on the Pride angle, but the transitions in this verse were all well worth it. It all seemed like a natural progression. I sometimes struggled to really find Pride in there as the driving force behind the character's actions though, but I suppose Pride sort of drives everything we do. I just really wish you DROVE that home to the reader, you know? Also, a couple times I felt the flow jarringly go into another rhyme scheme suddenly, but it's not that big of deal, just something I noticed. You definitely tightened up your flow here in terms of line length so that was good to see. Also, some downright amazing lines were sprinkled in there...

For example:

"And your words can cut deep but can't reach that needle in my skin
"God works in mysterious ways?" No he works when it's convenient for him!"

Loved this bar^^

As I said, the whole saved by religion thing at the end I didn't much care for, (I really wanted to stay with that damaged character and have him NOT be saved...) but this verse as a whole easily gets you the W this week. Always enjoy your stuff my man.

Vote - Adverse

[Candy]

broken:
your writers voice was smooth.. rhyme scheme dope and your general delivery of the story was dope.. i few hot lines and and few multi lines.. the personal emotion you put to the topic was cool.. good piece

ad:
lines were a little stretched compared to halos and you both covered drugs.. but your whole 6 lines straight you had in there about the inner turmoil really brought this piece together for me right up to the bit where the hole is in your character soul.. cool verse all in all because of the relevance to emotion in description.. you ended it pretty cool to with the walk through the doors good story telling..

vote = adverse

though i think halos was more tightly written adverse had the more creative and descriptive piece.. gl guys thanks

[Bodey]

halo - your whole verse seemed like a flex piece. it didnt really dig deep into anything, and it seemed like you got more stuck on the rhyme than you did for a more narrative-based piece. i think if you personalize your shit more, and then edit the lines later, you could have some good writing on your hands. dont be a slave to the rhyme, cuz to this day i still do this and it takes me forever to write something decent because sometimes the rhyming takes me away from anything substantial to say. and i believe that's what happened to you here

adverse- always enjoy your shit, bud. this was a smooth read all the way through, and loved the references to Incubus and how the storyteller was exploiting his feelings throughout all of it. the only part i didnt like was the last bar lol. wish you ended it a little more creatively, like i'd think this character would still at least be reluctant to throw himself into the will of God, but that doesnt mean he wouldn't have stepped in the church. know what i'm saying? i did the same shit to my own verse this week but oh well. all in all, this was a nice thorough narrative here. good shit

v/ Adverse

[Scar]

brokenhal0, this reminds me of pharoah's verse. it was like a super direct take on the topic, like power points, but i like how you made it personal by relaying your plight in accordance to the topic. it was interesting. the flow was super fire. i was able to read right through without much issues. this bard made me laugh "possessed and entitled" lulz. the strength of this verse was in the honesty of it. i believe alot of what you wrote, you genuinely feel. but it was lacking in creativity. i believe in a topical league, unless you come up with a topical thats super interesting or technically flawless, you better come with some creative concept to draw readers and honestly, i don't think you were able to do that.

adverse, good verse man. you ability to create sensory of your verse is enviable. there's lots of life in it and it compliments the undercurrent of the verse, i guess a good example with the switchfoot bit. it was a bit of a gamble cause if people don't know what or who that is, it could be quite arbitrary but it does relay atmosphere to your story. the flow was good besides for a few instances of really long line lulz. rhyming was awesome. indigenous/religious but - very nice my man. the issue i had with this story was the actual plot. like what did he do that was so sinful? drugs? depression? there was a disconnect of cause and effect. the last part was very surreal. it was like he took some acid or something and he was transported to a church lulz. can't help but feel that maybe the verse is about connecting with a higher power but the pacing prevented it from feeling "complete" you know? but regardless, very good read. enjoyed it quite a bit my man.

this was a good battle. on one hand we got hal0 who's very direct with his topic but lacked creativity. on the other hand we got creativity but lacking in topic relevance, in my opinion. so i had to go off technical and overall enjoyment and at that

v/adverse

[Pharaohs Army]

When I vote I read the verses the day before and then on the day I actually vote.

So I can say "what's memorable about this one", before I read it again.

Brokenhal0, while you can certainly construct a verse and have a way with rhymes, I'm just not hit with anything memorable.

I don't participate I stay to my self
pray to myself real pride im okay with this hell

I thought that was simple yet dope. But the verse goes on to talk about your niche at netcees I guess? Even though you were tying it to pride it just take a little edge off doing few lines relating to netcees. I've seen it done well before, but I didn't like it here.

I want to vote for you lol, but I have to read both verses carefully and conclude based on that.
Your verses have a good audio quality to them; can be rapped well. That is a strength. Just, like myself, need to work on capturing the reader and narratives and all that jazz.

Adverse
A truly come to jesus moment with a good buildup. Based on some of the phrasing it appears the dude has a problem with intravenous drugs.
For your standards I'm expecting something better and not so cliche. But that's because I have high standards for you.
Technically OK didn't wow me like your alien verse though.
Enough to take the dub here because it was a story that rhymed
Being looked down on by the buildings Good line

V Adverse