DL round 1 (Universe vs Smod of War)-Universe Wins

Cereal · 08-17-2021, 02:12 AM

universe topic:

smod of war topic:

Cereal · 08-17-2021, 02:13 AM

universe verse:

*Note: This is a choose your own adventure-type piece, divided into three sections that can be approached in three different ways depending on what type of reader you are or how you want to experience it. In order to fully enjoy the story below, please follow whichever path you've chosen as instructed.

Path A (for those who like the slow buildup of a story with a payoff at the end)

1.) Deserted
2.) Creep Up On You
3.) Twisted Hours

Path B (for those who like to get right into the thick of it and learn about the backstory later)

1.) Creep Up On You
2.) Deserted
3.) Twisted Hours

Path C (for those who read spoilers before watching a movie)

1.) Twisted Hours
2.) Deserted
3.) Creep Up On You

~

The Process of Aging

"When the sands of time come falling down, we are only left with our choices. Choose wisely; however, some may argue wisdom is relative." - Virginia Vayna

......

1.) Deserted

For a moment I was forever young... The beach I remembered vividly
The old woman I've become just dismembered the kid in me
Beheaded instantly; Silence is no cure for the hell earth breeds
My humble abode a malevolent retirement home for the elderly
'Alzheimers disease' is what they're telling me... I'm set in my ways
Listening to 'The Twist' by Chubby Checker - The one song my record played
A speck of sand triggered memories, blinding me fast as pepper spray
Back to square one like chess games, like it all happened yesterday...
The names Johnny & Jake stayed with me like a gatekeeper's key
I still felt so young laying this deep in an old lady's physique
Take it from me, usually I'm feeling like a baby in the womb
Must be a few cracks in the ceiling because it's raining in my room...
But it's not draining fluid, no winter wonderland had made its rounds
Wrinkled up pants had straightened out in sprinkles of sand cascading down
My hourglass figure is the sign for infinity crammed inside
Guess the sands of time turn to mud in these sweaty hands of mine...
Press rewind - When weeks were full of handstands and scenic strolls
Sprinting along the shoreline, feeling the wet sand between my toes
Passing beach balls to and fro until one team was down to nothing
Hands in the sky - Seems we were always reaching out for something...
Adolescent girls discover puberty lets them bend the rules
Can still hear laughs I shared with my two nerdy best friends from school
Johnny & Jake - Blond haired Blue eyed brothers from across the block
Both strong and tall - Their mother was a nurse, their father was a cop
One (un)lucky fall they made sure their parents brought me on vacation
We arrived at the last resort that contained no wifi or TV stations
It inspired Concentration... a place you feel grateful to breathe
This vacation retreat should've literally been a day at the beach...

2.) Creep Up On You

Black and white fades to gray for... whatever the reason was
What creeped above stopped our day in the waves beneath the sun
Memory jumped out of focus here - My eyes blinked to try and heal
It was while laying out tanning that I noticed my skin begin to peel...
What does it reveal? I prayed for someone to wake me up at once
Sought out shade of an umbrella while skin was flaking off in chunks
Spreading a fortress of sunscreen didn't seem to help anymore
I felt droopy... like everything within me just fell to the floor
Then came the yelling; A conundrum I could hardly manage solving
Knew we had a problem when I saw Johnny in the sand convulsing
His dad started running but stumbled; then I heard a snapping sound
He held his hip while crying out, hands grappling with the ground
Johnny's mom looked down to see her son frothing like a fountain piece
His towel creased, she turned him on his side so he wouldn't drown at least
Now it seems that extracted a Cyanide gas that was brown-ish green
She leaned down for CPR, press the chest, exhale... count to three
Then inhaled without her teeth... a slow stare in the distance
Chest cavity exposed, clearly with no air left to give him
She fell backwards, limbs all twisted; Jake backed away to the water...
Stepping in ankle-deep, gazing at the pained face of his father
Who hadn't aged well, saying "Jake, help" hobbled with liver spots
Jake said "grandpa?" as he watched his father wither to rot
The process of aging had condensed itself into an awful day
I noticed that Jake's feet were just bone - all the pale skin had washed away
Frozen in place yet overheating, I knew it's either sink or swim
But had zero strength to give after seeing my own wrinkled skin
Supposedly if you walk before you crawl you get random nosebleeds...
I saw my blood dripping on a Swastika scrawled in the sand below me
Jake stammered some foreign speech, then stopped when his jaw collapsed
I felt a warmth creep along my back...

Then it all went black.

3.) Twisted Hours

Awoke to beeping sounds... No sleep allowed while tied up to a bed
Sand sprinkled on me like a beach was right above my head
'Was ist los' I thought, my drops of sweat swimming in regret
A dark skinned man sat in front of me - A doctor of indian descent
Why had my english left? My native tongue must've steered right
How can my skin be loose when every thought was this airtight?
The doctor revolved around the room like a helicopter in flight
In one pocket was a pen light, his name tag read, 'Dr. M. Night'
"Hello Heidi..." he said softly, "try not to move we're nearly done"
"Just stare above... transparent dust will help to clear things up..."
"I read this graphic novel once... even ripped out a page in secret"
"It was the basis for the movie 'Old'... I doubt you may've seen it..."
I thought of Johnny & Jake... "The logic was to integrate my thesis"
"Could I simulate time to research diseases AND stimulate ideas?"
I'm a host to faded features, yet my mind wasn't clouded or slow
How does one get old when they were a child a few hours ago?
He wrote down a note, "The lure of age the young never refuse"
"Gaps in time allow me to turn the page to whatever I choose"
"It's how we sever what blooms; You're what's called an expedient seed"
"I'll bring you up to speed until you're whatever I need you to be..."
"Least we agree you're inspiring some writing for a character..."
"Like the idea for my next film - a Nazi uprising in America"
"Time is relative for everyone, Heidi - I don't mean to provoke you..."
"But you're great granddaughter Sophie is here..."

"You remember her, don't you?"

http://www.netcees.org/showthread.php?t=144216

Everything connected... I had a backstory now, a history I've yet to live
With nothing left to give theories can get embedded in you quick
Health or safety will not exist until I get developed more
I now had inherited hate deep within that I've never felt before
Was lost on the cutting room floor of opinions never formed
"What do you call a line that doesn't age?" He asked, "A lineage, of course"
Was pre-determined that I remembered encounters with each person
As speech worsened I weirdly learned quick how to speak German
Ideas averted by the mind pits you in a constant fight
I realized now my entire life was to exist as a plot device
A broken clock's right twice a day without accurate ticks
The doctor quipped, "When Sophie arrives don't stray off the path of the script"
"Or it's back to the beginning for you, where all the actor's are kids"
"Truly a disastrous trick to admit who the mastermind is..."
I asked in practiced english, "Was I never meant to actually fit?"
That's when a familiar record by Chubby Checker began to crackle and skip...
There's two sides to every story... I guess I'm just a chapter in his
Dr. M. Night laughed and just grinned...

"How's THAT for a twist?"

Cereal · 08-17-2021, 02:14 AM

smod of war verse:

In the unethical paradox, the Euclidean figures of the planets metamorphosis unite
As one, through pain, effort, insanity and respect…. Now prepare to fight
.
.
.
Get clapped if you act nasty, let it BANG & the gat’ll call
Rounds in exchange for ur life.. I’m removing the head under halo like I found the dragon balls
I wasn’t just made for this text shit, I was driven
Ima fuck the shit out of the weakest here.. like we’re in prison
.
.
.
As the daylight rose from earths core, something created out of nothing became..
Playing into effect the disastrous mindset of a sexualized doll but it’s not a game
Barbies weren’t meant for that, god be with the child who begotten a bruise
Every time I stare at this picture long enough to form a sentence my brain was abused
Perpetual premises from the elder scrolls of Tiguan ancestors
Limitless fables known to man only for one reason then settle
Listen to this next line very careful, @Universe I’m coming for thee
Your lines are like the constellations but none of it is connecting to me
Just look at our troops covering a wide array of things
Put down your bling bling and get a grip of what’s coming.. it’s big
Props and big ups to the showtime rappers according to fables
Can’t catch a break but thank goodness respect is according to nature

Will continue to edit before deadline

Cereal · 08-18-2021, 04:22 PM

Creativity-- universe - took this one hands down the whole jew turned nazi to fit in but forced to play with the other children was dope, and the choose your own adventure element you really put in the work.. smods very colourful some tight concepts and creativity did shine through with apunchy feel to it

Entertainment-- universe - im going be honest small and compact is more my style so i was leaning towards smod but universe manage to hold my attention long enough to get his ghostly climax across..

Flow-- smod of war - his was tighter it ran smoother off the tongue, if you were to use it to a beat it def had that bounce to it.. universes wasnt loose by any means but just loose compared to smods..

Rhyme Scheme-- universe - tight thats pretty all i can say about that.. it starts hard by word ends with rhyme hard.. it was compact and complete.. smods a lil sloppy compared to a vet like universe but still clean

Consistency/Topic-- universe - he had a whole stanza which was the size of smods verse just capturing the topic where smod though was an emotional piece very abstract was still loose compared to how hard universe hit the topic.. i was like a solid brick lol

Literary Devices (alliteration, assonance, allusion, etc..) -- universe - came off more mature in his style, he really has worked his process in so its complex but not over bearing.. smods understanding though only new was pretty dope.. it was a hard one to choose..

Emotion-- universe - very powerful, the barer of bad news yet still willing to put up a fight for survival, i really dug your piece dude.. smod aswell the whole thing was straight to the heart loved it.

Imagery-- smod of war - so abstract very deep and colourful you really shone in this catagory.. universe was very discriptive but came across as a stale grey which is what he was going for to suit the terrain of a war story but in the end the colours are what brought the imagery to life with smod of wars verse

Vote-- universe

just as a whole it was dope, i mean it was long and i hate to call it a fault but thats just me i like small compressed verses to read.. still universe brought it

Master Rock · 08-18-2021, 08:20 PM

Vote: Universe
Video Vote is processing will upvote asap!

Objective · 08-19-2021, 10:10 PM

Interesting pics, let's get into it

Universe: what a concept, I'll pick 2. Let's see where this takes me.

The mom/she/her is one of the things I enjoy in your writing, not being repetitive yet still being clear without seeming redundant among the meat and flavor:
Johnny's mom looked down to see her son frothing like a fountain piece
His towel creased, she turned him on his side so he wouldn't drown at least
^Dopeness

Also in terms of transitions, rhymeschemes and fluent writing with mix ups yet being flowy and on point to highlight what's going on through the style of writing:
Then inhaled without her teeth... a slow stare in the distance
Chest cavity exposed, clearly with no air left to give him
She fell backwards, limbs all twisted; Jake backed away to the water...
Stepping in ankle-deep, gazing at the pained face of his father

The despair, distress and emotion felt is grueling. Top notch stuff.

And then the comedic break and twist: Dr. M. Night' (lmfao, can tell you had fun with this one)

The twist and ongoing story of Heidi tieing in to a different piece is insane. The meta writing and switching from descriptive to monologue is a really great way to keep the reader invested without getting bored. This kind of shit is on a different level and truly shows what's needed in tourneys like these. @Lars, you missed out on this type of battle, this' the shit you're looking for, right? Where you at?

The doctor quipped, "When Sophie arrives don't stray off the path of the script"
"Or it's back to the beginning for you, where all the actor's are kids"

"How's THAT for a twist?"
^love the closure, lol. M night would be proud if he read this

This is my fav piece on NCs so far. This is finals level of work, you show that you just enjoy writing for the absolute love of it. Take copies of this one, it's a masterpiece imo.

Back to the beginning with me and reading 2 & 3 yet again haha

This is what makes me realise how much more I need to grow as a writer. The concept, comedic breaks and creative/flavorful writing and the way it takes the image to full use separates the best from the legends. You, Lars, Oats, Vulgar, Dead Man and a couple others got this shit in your blood when bringing your best. This is why I come back to this place.

Smod: it's going to be hard following a piece like that but Universe is no easy opponent and I know you can bring the heat so looking forward to this. I've already glanced over the battle but going to read it closer now.

The intro is dope af. You come in swinging like a grudge match in boxing. Flavorful language, references and setting the tone of what's to come is definitely on point.

Then the next stanza comes along and takes me out of the world you created with mentioning text shit. I see why, but... Why? Did you get demotivated or was it a conscious decision from the start?

Either way it is dope but more in the swag & flow category for me. There's a lot you could do with that intro and picture given but I feel like you took a different and risky path. Which I respect btw but I'm not sure if it'll pay off in this format.

"Every time I stare at this picture long enough to form a sentence my brain was abused"
^Aaah, I see. Understandable

Your lines are like the constellations but none of it is connecting to me
^lmfao, definitely get the swag & flow with strong battle elements vibe here, excellent writing and got me smiling irl. It won't give you the W but in terms of entertaining your readers you never fail to do so.

And the rest is cool stuff too. Definitely enjoyed the read and you show you can write. I do think the pic was distracting and it hurt you a bit which sucks, but you still showed and it was a dope read.

Respect.

Vote - Universe. Do think the topic being a rather distracting gif hurt smod a bit here given how he breaks the fourth wall early on and mentions it as well. Cool battle, hope to see you (smod) in the next topical tourney or league cus I didn't feel this gave your true ability any justice even if it still was an entertaining read.

Pharaohs Army · 08-20-2021, 01:04 AM

smod of war:

This seemed scattered. You have an opening couplet, followed by some battle bars with a gay prison line, followed by a verse that calls out universe and also has a reference to candy's signature.

If you're zelph, I know you can write. You are a good battler, and I'm sure if you TRIED could be decent at topicals. So next time make something good.

v/ universe:

You won this one, but on first glance it appears you copied M Night's 'Old' and also referenced a previous Nazi verse of yours?

Your piece didn't do much for me. I mean, good multi rhymes and a lot of dialogue (which is not easy), but I don't know. I guess you lost me on the plot. I'm usually not a dense reader but here? It's an old woman reminiscing, then copying Old on a beach scene where everyone is aging in terrifying ways, then back to the hospital where the Dr. is M Night Shamalan and also a reference to Sophie from your previous works?

Enough for the W here and your technical ability is always there.
Seems like you got a little too cute though. Out-clevered yourself. Simplify your next story a bit but keep that tension and twist.

Have you ever heard of the rapper Sicknature?
Your writing style reminds me of him, with emphasis on the multis.

08-17-2021, 02:12 AM	#1
Cereal killa Join Date: Jun 2018 Posts: 820 Battle Record: 1-6 Rep Power: 1312296	DL round 1 (Universe vs Smod of War)-Universe Wins universe topic: smod of war topic: __________________ A-double scribble - A 19 th century euphemism for ass

08-17-2021, 02:13 AM	#2
Cereal killa Join Date: Jun 2018 Posts: 820 Battle Record: 1-6 Rep Power: 1312296	universe verse: *Note: This is a choose your own adventure-type piece, divided into three sections that can be approached in three different ways depending on what type of reader you are or how you want to experience it. In order to fully enjoy the story below, please follow whichever path you've chosen as instructed. Path A (for those who like the slow buildup of a story with a payoff at the end) 1.) Deserted 2.) Creep Up On You 3.) Twisted Hours Path B (for those who like to get right into the thick of it and learn about the backstory later) 1.) Creep Up On You 2.) Deserted 3.) Twisted Hours Path C (for those who read spoilers before watching a movie) 1.) Twisted Hours 2.) Deserted 3.) Creep Up On You ~ The Process of Aging "When the sands of time come falling down, we are only left with our choices. Choose wisely; however, some may argue wisdom is relative." - Virginia Vayna ...... 1.) Deserted For a moment I was forever young... The beach I remembered vividly The old woman I've become just dismembered the kid in me Beheaded instantly; Silence is no cure for the hell earth breeds My humble abode a malevolent retirement home for the elderly 'Alzheimers disease' is what they're telling me... I'm set in my ways Listening to 'The Twist' by Chubby Checker - The one song my record played A speck of sand triggered memories, blinding me fast as pepper spray Back to square one like chess games, like it all happened yesterday... The names Johnny & Jake stayed with me like a gatekeeper's key I still felt so young laying this deep in an old lady's physique Take it from me, usually I'm feeling like a baby in the womb Must be a few cracks in the ceiling because it's raining in my room... But it's not draining fluid, no winter wonderland had made its rounds Wrinkled up pants had straightened out in sprinkles of sand cascading down My hourglass figure is the sign for infinity crammed inside Guess the sands of time turn to mud in these sweaty hands of mine... Press rewind - When weeks were full of handstands and scenic strolls Sprinting along the shoreline, feeling the wet sand between my toes Passing beach balls to and fro until one team was down to nothing Hands in the sky - Seems we were always reaching out for something... Adolescent girls discover puberty lets them bend the rules Can still hear laughs I shared with my two nerdy best friends from school Johnny & Jake - Blond haired Blue eyed brothers from across the block Both strong and tall - Their mother was a nurse, their father was a cop One (un)lucky fall they made sure their parents brought me on vacation We arrived at the last resort that contained no wifi or TV stations It inspired Concentration... a place you feel grateful to breathe This vacation retreat should've literally been a day at the beach... 2.) Creep Up On You Black and white fades to gray for... whatever the reason was What creeped above stopped our day in the waves beneath the sun Memory jumped out of focus here - My eyes blinked to try and heal It was while laying out tanning that I noticed my skin begin to peel... What does it reveal? I prayed for someone to wake me up at once Sought out shade of an umbrella while skin was flaking off in chunks Spreading a fortress of sunscreen didn't seem to help anymore I felt droopy... like everything within me just fell to the floor Then came the yelling; A conundrum I could hardly manage solving Knew we had a problem when I saw Johnny in the sand convulsing His dad started running but stumbled; then I heard a snapping sound He held his hip while crying out, hands grappling with the ground Johnny's mom looked down to see her son frothing like a fountain piece His towel creased, she turned him on his side so he wouldn't drown at least Now it seems that extracted a Cyanide gas that was brown-ish green She leaned down for CPR, press the chest, exhale... count to three Then inhaled without her teeth... a slow stare in the distance Chest cavity exposed, clearly with no air left to give him She fell backwards, limbs all twisted; Jake backed away to the water... Stepping in ankle-deep, gazing at the pained face of his father Who hadn't aged well, saying "Jake, help" hobbled with liver spots Jake said "grandpa?" as he watched his father wither to rot The process of aging had condensed itself into an awful day I noticed that Jake's feet were just bone - all the pale skin had washed away Frozen in place yet overheating, I knew it's either sink or swim But had zero strength to give after seeing my own wrinkled skin Supposedly if you walk before you crawl you get random nosebleeds... I saw my blood dripping on a Swastika scrawled in the sand below me Jake stammered some foreign speech, then stopped when his jaw collapsed I felt a warmth creep along my back... Then it all went black. 3.) Twisted Hours Awoke to beeping sounds... No sleep allowed while tied up to a bed Sand sprinkled on me like a beach was right above my head 'Was ist los' I thought, my drops of sweat swimming in regret A dark skinned man sat in front of me - A doctor of indian descent Why had my english left? My native tongue must've steered right How can my skin be loose when every thought was this airtight? The doctor revolved around the room like a helicopter in flight In one pocket was a pen light, his name tag read, 'Dr. M. Night' "Hello Heidi..." he said softly, "try not to move we're nearly done" "Just stare above... transparent dust will help to clear things up..." "I read this graphic novel once... even ripped out a page in secret" "It was the basis for the movie 'Old'... I doubt you may've seen it..." I thought of Johnny & Jake... "The logic was to integrate my thesis" "Could I simulate time to research diseases AND stimulate ideas?" I'm a host to faded features, yet my mind wasn't clouded or slow How does one get old when they were a child a few hours ago? He wrote down a note, "The lure of age the young never refuse" "Gaps in time allow me to turn the page to whatever I choose" "It's how we sever what blooms; You're what's called an expedient seed" "I'll bring you up to speed until you're whatever I need you to be..." "Least we agree you're inspiring some writing for a character..." "Like the idea for my next film - a Nazi uprising in America" "Time is relative for everyone, Heidi - I don't mean to provoke you..." "But you're great granddaughter Sophie is here..." "You remember her, don't you?" http://www.netcees.org/showthread.php?t=144216 Everything connected... I had a backstory now, a history I've yet to live With nothing left to give theories can get embedded in you quick Health or safety will not exist until I get developed more I now had inherited hate deep within that I've never felt before Was lost on the cutting room floor of opinions never formed "What do you call a line that doesn't age?" He asked, "A lineage, of course" Was pre-determined that I remembered encounters with each person As speech worsened I weirdly learned quick how to speak German Ideas averted by the mind pits you in a constant fight I realized now my entire life was to exist as a plot device A broken clock's right twice a day without accurate ticks The doctor quipped, "When Sophie arrives don't stray off the path of the script" "Or it's back to the beginning for you, where all the actor's are kids" "Truly a disastrous trick to admit who the mastermind is..." I asked in practiced english, "Was I never meant to actually fit?" That's when a familiar record by Chubby Checker began to crackle and skip... There's two sides to every story... I guess I'm just a chapter in his Dr. M. Night laughed and just grinned... "How's THAT for a twist?" __________________ A-double scribble - A 19 th century euphemism for ass

08-17-2021, 02:14 AM	#3
Cereal killa Join Date: Jun 2018 Posts: 820 Battle Record: 1-6 Rep Power: 1312296	smod of war verse: In the unethical paradox, the Euclidean figures of the planets metamorphosis unite As one, through pain, effort, insanity and respect…. Now prepare to fight . . . Get clapped if you act nasty, let it BANG & the gat’ll call Rounds in exchange for ur life.. I’m removing the head under halo like I found the dragon balls I wasn’t just made for this text shit, I was driven Ima fuck the shit out of the weakest here.. like we’re in prison . . . As the daylight rose from earths core, something created out of nothing became.. Playing into effect the disastrous mindset of a sexualized doll but it’s not a game Barbies weren’t meant for that, god be with the child who begotten a bruise Every time I stare at this picture long enough to form a sentence my brain was abused Perpetual premises from the elder scrolls of Tiguan ancestors Limitless fables known to man only for one reason then settle Listen to this next line very careful, @Universe I’m coming for thee Your lines are like the constellations but none of it is connecting to me Just look at our troops covering a wide array of things Put down your bling bling and get a grip of what’s coming.. it’s big Props and big ups to the showtime rappers according to fables Can’t catch a break but thank goodness respect is according to nature Will continue to edit before deadline __________________ A-double scribble - A 19 th century euphemism for ass

08-18-2021, 04:22 PM	#4
Cereal killa Join Date: Jun 2018 Posts: 820 Battle Record: 1-6 Rep Power: 1312296	Creativity-- universe - took this one hands down the whole jew turned nazi to fit in but forced to play with the other children was dope, and the choose your own adventure element you really put in the work.. smods very colourful some tight concepts and creativity did shine through with apunchy feel to it Entertainment-- universe - im going be honest small and compact is more my style so i was leaning towards smod but universe manage to hold my attention long enough to get his ghostly climax across.. Flow-- smod of war - his was tighter it ran smoother off the tongue, if you were to use it to a beat it def had that bounce to it.. universes wasnt loose by any means but just loose compared to smods.. Rhyme Scheme-- universe - tight thats pretty all i can say about that.. it starts hard by word ends with rhyme hard.. it was compact and complete.. smods a lil sloppy compared to a vet like universe but still clean Consistency/Topic-- universe - he had a whole stanza which was the size of smods verse just capturing the topic where smod though was an emotional piece very abstract was still loose compared to how hard universe hit the topic.. i was like a solid brick lol Literary Devices (alliteration, assonance, allusion, etc..) -- universe - came off more mature in his style, he really has worked his process in so its complex but not over bearing.. smods understanding though only new was pretty dope.. it was a hard one to choose.. Emotion-- universe - very powerful, the barer of bad news yet still willing to put up a fight for survival, i really dug your piece dude.. smod aswell the whole thing was straight to the heart loved it. Imagery-- smod of war - so abstract very deep and colourful you really shone in this catagory.. universe was very discriptive but came across as a stale grey which is what he was going for to suit the terrain of a war story but in the end the colours are what brought the imagery to life with smod of wars verse Vote-- universe just as a whole it was dope, i mean it was long and i hate to call it a fault but thats just me i like small compressed verses to read.. still universe brought it __________________ A-double scribble - A 19 th century euphemism for ass

08-19-2021, 10:10 PM	#6
Objective ( ͡º ͜ʖ ͡º) Join Date: Jan 2013 Posts: 3,787 Battle Record: 17-32 Rep Power: 52474189	Interesting pics, let's get into it Universe: what a concept, I'll pick 2. Let's see where this takes me. The mom/she/her is one of the things I enjoy in your writing, not being repetitive yet still being clear without seeming redundant among the meat and flavor: Johnny's mom looked down to see her son frothing like a fountain piece His towel creased, she turned him on his side so he wouldn't drown at least ^Dopeness Also in terms of transitions, rhymeschemes and fluent writing with mix ups yet being flowy and on point to highlight what's going on through the style of writing: Then inhaled without her teeth... a slow stare in the distance Chest cavity exposed, clearly with no air left to give him She fell backwards, limbs all twisted; Jake backed away to the water... Stepping in ankle-deep, gazing at the pained face of his father The despair, distress and emotion felt is grueling. Top notch stuff. And then the comedic break and twist: Dr. M. Night' (lmfao, can tell you had fun with this one) The twist and ongoing story of Heidi tieing in to a different piece is insane. The meta writing and switching from descriptive to monologue is a really great way to keep the reader invested without getting bored. This kind of shit is on a different level and truly shows what's needed in tourneys like these. @Lars, you missed out on this type of battle, this' the shit you're looking for, right? Where you at? The doctor quipped, "When Sophie arrives don't stray off the path of the script" "Or it's back to the beginning for you, where all the actor's are kids" "How's THAT for a twist?" ^love the closure, lol. M night would be proud if he read this This is my fav piece on NCs so far. This is finals level of work, you show that you just enjoy writing for the absolute love of it. Take copies of this one, it's a masterpiece imo. Back to the beginning with me and reading 2 & 3 yet again haha This is what makes me realise how much more I need to grow as a writer. The concept, comedic breaks and creative/flavorful writing and the way it takes the image to full use separates the best from the legends. You, Lars, Oats, Vulgar, Dead Man and a couple others got this shit in your blood when bringing your best. This is why I come back to this place. Smod: it's going to be hard following a piece like that but Universe is no easy opponent and I know you can bring the heat so looking forward to this. I've already glanced over the battle but going to read it closer now. The intro is dope af. You come in swinging like a grudge match in boxing. Flavorful language, references and setting the tone of what's to come is definitely on point. Then the next stanza comes along and takes me out of the world you created with mentioning text shit. I see why, but... Why? Did you get demotivated or was it a conscious decision from the start? Either way it is dope but more in the swag & flow category for me. There's a lot you could do with that intro and picture given but I feel like you took a different and risky path. Which I respect btw but I'm not sure if it'll pay off in this format. "Every time I stare at this picture long enough to form a sentence my brain was abused" ^Aaah, I see. Understandable Your lines are like the constellations but none of it is connecting to me ^lmfao, definitely get the swag & flow with strong battle elements vibe here, excellent writing and got me smiling irl. It won't give you the W but in terms of entertaining your readers you never fail to do so. And the rest is cool stuff too. Definitely enjoyed the read and you show you can write. I do think the pic was distracting and it hurt you a bit which sucks, but you still showed and it was a dope read. Respect. Vote - Universe. Do think the topic being a rather distracting gif hurt smod a bit here given how he breaks the fourth wall early on and mentions it as well. Cool battle, hope to see you (smod) in the next topical tourney or league cus I didn't feel this gave your true ability any justice even if it still was an entertaining read. __________________ I'm not a slave for entertainment, I'm entertainments personal slave, So deep into writing I'm concerned bout the text on my grave. www.youtube.com/watch?v=gV8ozGcGJ6o Last edited by Objective; 08-19-2021 at 10:16 PM.

08-20-2021, 01:04 AM	#7
Pharaohs Army Banned Join Date: Aug 2014 Posts: 2,962 Battle Record: 6 - 14 Rep Power: 0	smod of war: This seemed scattered. You have an opening couplet, followed by some battle bars with a gay prison line, followed by a verse that calls out universe and also has a reference to candy's signature. If you're zelph, I know you can write. You are a good battler, and I'm sure if you TRIED could be decent at topicals. So next time make something good. v/ universe: You won this one, but on first glance it appears you copied M Night's 'Old' and also referenced a previous Nazi verse of yours? Your piece didn't do much for me. I mean, good multi rhymes and a lot of dialogue (which is not easy), but I don't know. I guess you lost me on the plot. I'm usually not a dense reader but here? It's an old woman reminiscing, then copying Old on a beach scene where everyone is aging in terrifying ways, then back to the hospital where the Dr. is M Night Shamalan and also a reference to Sophie from your previous works? Enough for the W here and your technical ability is always there. Seems like you got a little too cute though. Out-clevered yourself. Simplify your next story a bit but keep that tension and twist. Have you ever heard of the rapper Sicknature? Your writing style reminds me of him, with emphasis on the multis.