WEEK FOUR: TIMELESS (0-2) vs CANDY (0-3) TIMELESS WINS 4-2

[Adverse]

AOWL Season X WEEK FOUR

Verse Due: TUESDAY APRIL 19TH @ 11:59PM EST

@timeless @Candy @Sinacog

Line min: 10

Max: 60


Rules: http://www.netcees.org/showthread.php?t=150311

Topic:
"Listen to them. Children of the night. What music they make." - Dracula, 1931


GOOD LUCK

[Candy]

check in

votes:
http://www.netcees.org/showthread.php?t=150396

[Candy]

Topic:
"Listen to them. Children of the night. What music they make." - Dracula, 1931

slumber party
..

A nightowl calculates nighting gales howls
foul stench of the shawl swallows shallow - loud
our nighting gown growls, groans and grovels proud
allowed loitering in lower case down
the feathers fly in swoons on what to watch
frankenstein's monster, bride of the lost
no, no
i got it..
little old dracule
the cruel and unusual for sure
we pull out the pillows and fluff
sit in a compfy position and stuff
our face of junk food lollies of sorts
away from homework, stretched beyond this earth
sure that the next step of pressing play plays
we are some safe, ready for what awaits
we wait in horror shook shocked and rocking
the vamp bites and breaks the flesh still sucking
no victim is of worth worthy our feel
a room full of girls bored anything is real
i smother one and drag one off to the bed
the others restrain and fight but i suck neck
only hickies, wounds but nothing too bad
the girls laugh like media influences sad
people like us are beyond the depths realms
we have to go into the tv to become the now
we have no plan but soul through others eyes
we gaze and peer through what is endless vice
our skin turns to dust our iris like balls
they align with the fangs and grow us tall
we awake in night terrors stake in hand
our cloak, with daggers draped where we stand
..
this mission is over we're darkness fell
too bad if we sleep though our blankets are now on the otherside of hell
..
we cuddle we crouch we drink our own blood
yet these four little girls still wonder whats such
...a period to an empty cup

..
the end
..

[timeless]

Cheek check

[timeless]

A slight six hours from now I'll be a flight risk and powering down.
Battery on pause, not charged or dead but alive in a towering house.
Midnight! .. says the clock, the minion of time itself on minimum wage starving.
A critical stage except for each hand, racing in slow motion yet finishing late often.
Drunk and asleep behind the wheel, still feel like control is all I have.
Highbeams intact, I peer in the rearview, console and then the dash.
Nothing illegal, im good. I pass 8th and Martin and hit the stop.
A car on my ass, fucking asshole! I beg your pardon, as its a cop.
Kicked his lights on, I shit you not! So i kept on the gas for a few.
Just to see how he reacts, how pissed he gets for a laugh or two.
If i get attacked, then my only reaction isn't just to lay there.
I'm going to react faster than his ass has, the fuck if I play fair.
I'll fight to the death, you better see that fact through my eyes.
And when you step off, just know that I'll eventually pass you in line.
Blessed at the stake, my heart's just torn that this mess cannot fade.
Even still, a simple thought of me keeps the dead man awake.
Youth harnessed in slums full of what ifs and yes men.
Checkers and chess then. Pumped full of subtle aggression.
So say hello to the night, let it be your guiding light.
Wide and right, your aim's always off trying to hide.
Lied and cried through excuses you unwind at times.
Tried to find the middle but only arrived at WHY?

[Adverse]

Hey guys thanks for showing this was a lot closer than I originally expected it to be, still having a lot of trouble deciding who won. Let’s dissect it I suppose

Candy
This might be my favorite verses of yours this season. Coming in I thought the quote tailored to you somewhat more than Timeless as you’ve been sneaking in these vampiric references all season long, though some of this was less than coherent I believe I got the gist of it; vampire invades slumber party and offs some girls? Thought that was a cool concept personally and though you didn’t really take any chances some of your descriptions were dope. Thought the ending could have packed more of a punch personally, idk what the gif has to do with anything but thanks lol

“ people like us are beyond the depths realms
we have to go into the tv to become the now
we have no plan but soul through others eyes
we gaze and peer through what is endless vice

Thia mission is over we're darkness fell
too bad if we sleep though our blankets are now on the otherside of hell”

Timeless:
Contrary to what I told Candy this is probably my least favorite verse of yours this season, I’m glad you showed this week but this felt really rushed compared to your usual product. I liked the cop bit and related (had a cop get right up on my bumper yesterday and follow me for like 5 miles before finally pulling me over smh) but after that but the storyline became kind of fuzzy to me. I couldn’t tell if this was about police brutality or something else altogether? It might just be me though and I’m not reading it the right way. Flow was good as usual though.

“Midnight! .. says the clock, the minion of time itself on minimum wage starving.
A critical stage except for each hand, racing in slow motion yet finishing late often.
Drunk and asleep behind the wheel, still feel like control is all I have.
Highbeams intact, I peer in the rearview, console and then the dash.”

Verdict; I don’t know man, I thought Candy was more coherent than usual this week and Timeless was less so, I think he just rushed this one to get it in (which I appreciate) thought Candy did a good job setting the scene and though he’s not really up to par with the heavyweights yet this was a step in the right direction. Timeless had a misstep here IMO but perhaps the other voters will see it different

V/Candy

[Universe]

I'm really not looking forward to this... cool quote though. And seeing how Candy somehow turns every topic into a vampire narrative this should actually be right up his alley...

Watch it be about sunscreen.

Candy:

I've already had 3 seizures and I'm only a quarter of the way through.

Same old same old. Skimming... searching for a sentence that makes sense.

Scanning.

Oh, ending isn't bad. Got okay at the end there. I'll take it. Some story elements were here. A vampire sleepover ending with them all drinking their own period blood...

Awesome man.


timeless:

Honestly, this is average stuff but after reading Candy's verse I'm clinging to it like a inground post in a hurricane. Its just so nice to be where things make sense again...

Breathe it in. Ah.

Okay so a cop chase... cool.

Aaannnnddd what the fuck happened? You just forgot your story and are doing some general shit. Um, ok. It's over.

I'm happy for that.

Adverse saying Candy was "more coherent than usual" is a result of his attempted weight loss messing with his brain. This guy is so hungry he's starting to hallucinate...

Can I vote Sinacog?

I'm now being informed I can't...

Oh well. Candy had a better connection to the topic but timeless made sense.

Sense wins. Right?

Vote: timeless

[NYCSPITZ]

Candy:

A nightowl calculates nighting gales howls

Ok cool I guess

foul stench of the shawl swallows shallow - loud

what…the…fuck??!?

our nighting gown growls, groans and grovels proud
allowed loitering in lower case down

WHAT??1?…

the feathers fly in swoons on what to watch
frankenstein's monster, bride of the lost
no, no
i got it..
little old dracule

alright cool…despite the strange setup something like a story is forming…

the cruel and unusual for sure
we pull out the pillows and fluff
sit in a compfy position and stuff
our face of junk food lollies of sorts
away from homework, stretched beyond this earth
sure that the next step of pressing play plays
we are some safe, ready for what awaits

Filler

we wait in horror shook shocked and rocking
the vamp bites and breaks the flesh still sucking

Vampire comes out of nowhere??!?

no victim is of worth worthy our feel
a room full of girls bored anything is real
i smother one and drag one off to the bed
the others restrain and fight but i suck neck
only hickies, wounds but nothing too bad
the girls laugh like media influences sad

lol WTF @ that last line?? Hahahahahaha…brother I literally don’t have a clue

Man to be honest your switching up from first person omniscient to first person is kind of jarring and strange as wel..

people like us are beyond the depths realms
we have to go into the tv to become the now
we have no plan but soul through others eyes
we gaze and peer through what is endless vice
our skin turns to dust our iris like balls
they align with the fangs and grow us tall
we awake in night terrors stake in hand
our cloak, with daggers draped where we stand

Bland but better

..
this mission is over we're darkness fell
too bad if we sleep though our blankets are now on the otherside of hell
..
we cuddle we crouch we drink our own blood
yet these four little girls still wonder whats such
...a period to an empty cup

LMFAOOOO!OOO!!!!!! The fuck???Q?!?

I mean, this verse just doesn’t make sense brother. At all even a little bit…it has sections of semi-coherence that I’d expect from a 7th grader at a middling high school who just dropped acid for the first time and is having a VERY BAD trip. Some of it was alright but it lacks any semblance of a story, zero tension, zero literary devices, the whole verse is like a bottle of applesauce flowing through an infant’s fingers. The good thing is, it’s only up from here my friend.

Timeless:

A slight six hours from now I'll be a flight risk and powering down.
Battery on pause, not charged or dead but alive in a towering house.
Midnight! .. says the clock, the minion of time itself on minimum wage starving.
A critical stage except for each hand, racing in slow motion yet finishing late often.
Drunk and asleep behind the wheel, still feel like control is all I have.
Highbeams intact, I peer in the rearview, console and then the dash.
Nothing illegal, im good. I pass 8th and Martin and hit the stop.
A car on my ass, fucking asshole! I beg your pardon, as its a cop.

At least some semblance of coherence can be found here. Good to see you again btw brother timeless. Some weird word choices like the clock is a “minion of time” on “minimum wage starving”. It’s kind of too much and doesn’t add to the story whatsoever as the time isn’t emphasized at all in any other part of the verse. Filler description. But anyways, he’s driving drunk and about to get into some shit it seems like, I can at least dig that part.

Kicked his lights on, I shit you not! So i kept on the gas for a few.
Just to see how he reacts, how pissed he gets for a laugh or two.
If i get attacked, then my only reaction isn't just to lay there.
I'm going to react faster than his ass has, the fuck if I play fair.
I'll fight to the death, you better see that fact through my eyes.

Feel u, hands ready at all times…

And when you step off, just know that I'll eventually pass you in line.
Blessed at the stake, my heart's just torn that this mess cannot fade.
Even still, a simple thought of me keeps the dead man awake.
Youth harnessed in slums full of what ifs and yes men.
Checkers and chess then. Pumped full of subtle aggression.
So say hello to the night, let it be your guiding light.
Wide and right, your aim's always off trying to hide.
Lied and cried through excuses you unwind at times.
Tried to find the middle but only arrived at WHY?

Kind of random. Still more structure than candy’s

MVGT: Timeless

[Objective]

Candy: WTF @ that ending, lol. Having a bit of an issue to catch where the story is going and what you're saying during my read through but the closure kind of wraps it up.

Timeless: I guess this is a story of a guy awake at night and where the topic comes into play. However, the switch up in "youth harnessed in slums ofull of what ifs and yes men" seemed a bit abrupt, there seems to be some sort of transition in there but what happened with the guy speeding with cops on his ass?

Vote: Slumber party of girls drinking period blood vs criminals at night and some dude speeding. The execution of both verses were meh to say the least so to me it comes down to the concept and the story being told. Slumber party of girls doing... Ye, not repeating that and "Children of the night"/criminals with some action packed sentences painting a different picture kinda makes both staying on topic.

In the end my vote goes to Timeless. Candy could have taken this if he didn't bring the story in the direction it took at the end, or even just been a bit more coherent overall.

[Master Rock]

This topic really got me focused on the vamps. Candy, I believe this was you best verse in this season thus far. I like the way you play with the onsets...with is crazy because I attempted to do the same similarly this week... like this line, "sure that the next step of pressing play plays we are some safe, ready for what awaits we wait ", I love this, so dope, so simple but works. There were some hiccups on grammar, but I filled in the gaps. I enjoyed it until the period blood part...gross my man...Haha... But overall fire. Timeless, you take was far from where I was thinking but I see your view. "A car on my ass, fucking asshole! I beg your pardon, as its a cop.
Kicked his lights on, I shit you not!", I felt this line because it personalizing the story and you're talking to me in confidence...I definitely dig it. Also it part is fire, "Youth harnessed in slums full of what ifs and yes men.
Checkers and chess then." This is showing the advancement of thought and how to react to ma given situation. Overall I liked both takes, but if I choose on who embodied the subject fully I would said Candy came with it. Great job on both brothas showing out.

[Dominate]

OK first and foremost wtf @Adverse just straight up deleting Sinacog's verse, even after I posted his extra bars that he PM'd to me. This travesty will not stand.


Candy,
Slumber party is an excellent take on the topic. Verse started with the usual unintelligible nonsense but became more coherent and relevant after the first few bars. Cool. Do more of that. I don't think you needed to incorporate Dracula into this piece just because that's where the quote is from, but I guess you like writing about that stuff and to be fair the way you introduced it did work - the kids deciding what movie to watch at their sleepover.

OK, I just read through to the end and honestly considered just deleting what I wrote above because...

What. The. Fuck.

Writing about girls drinking their own period blood is bad enough, but whyyyyyy did you follow that up with a "sexy" gif?? Was that supposed to be one of the characters in your story? Who is presumably underage? Are you sexually aroused by the thought of teenage girls drinking their period blood? This is not OK. Please seek professional help. I'm serious. This is not OK.

Moving on...


TIMELESS,

OK this was far from your best work but there were elements I liked. The start was kinda cool, I was intrigued. The minion of time on minimum wage starving was an interesting description. But it didn't really "fit" in this verse.

Drunk and asleep behind the wheel, still feel like control is all I have.
Highbeams intact, I peer in the rearview, console and then the dash.
Nothing illegal, im good. I pass 8th and Martin and hit the stop.
A car on my ass, fucking asshole! I beg your pardon, as its a cop.
Kicked his lights on, I shit you not! So i kept on the gas for a few.
Just to see how he reacts, how pissed he gets for a laugh or two.

^This was cool. Your best section.

Kind of lost me in the end again. Wasn't really clear on what you were talking about. Not like, in a Candy sense where you're torturing the English language with electrical probes hooked up to a car battery in a dimly lit basement, but just like in the sense that I didn't really feel like you were building anything from one line to the next or saying anything of substance. Just kind of fillerish.

Mechanically this was pretty good all the way through. Some good rhymes and the flow was very smooth.

Connection to the topic wasn't really clear to me - the "noise" and "night" elements of the quote were there but I think "children" was a key part of the quote and I didn't really see how that fit in anywhere except maybe "youth harnessed in slums... pumped full of subtle aggression". Maybe you were talking about how children grow into criminals and make noise in the night? That idea could work but it wasn't clear to me in your verse - I'm reaching trying to find the connection for you.


Candy had the better idea for a take on the topic but although I could make sense of what he was saying in most of his verse, which was a welcome change, he still struggled with basic grammar enough to make the verse unenjoyable. Also, I am concerned that he is a peadophile.

Vote = timeless