XI WK III: Diablo (2-0) vs. brokenhal0 (2-0) (DIABLO WINS)

Master Rock · 12-27-2022, 09:18 AM

As much as it breaks my heart I'm going to have to give it to Lars. Halo story was quite interesting and took an angle which I never expected so it was full of surprises. Especially with the elves doing naughty things which I thought was mind boggling. Had a nice cadence and seems like it took a lot of time put it together which was well done. Lars on the other hand had detail story that felt more grounded in reality and a bit more serious. Even though this was a close one. If Halo would have taken a little more time and got rid of questionable lines such as is opening bar spinning Santa. I felt that that was kind oddly place had an attempt to actually refer to the picture but I would have done it differently and I believe he would have taken this.

Universe · 12-27-2022, 01:01 PM

brokenhal0:

Well it started out pretty solid actually with a good rhyme scheme building the narrative. Steady flow. I had high hopes that you brought your 'A' game but then you just abruptly gave up on the great foundation you laid and went into some diatribe about Santa fucking Mrs. Clause and all the Elves involved in some circle jerk and I kind of just tuned out... Not because of the material, but because it wasn't done well. It was rushed and felt beneath even you... and although that was probably the intention, there really is no excuse for regressing to Cereal-like levels of incoherence and blabbering, especially after you started out so well.

THAT SAID... and upon further reading...

I actually thought the morning after section, after Santa returns from his gift giving or whatever the fuck you call it, was a step in the right direction. Maybe an entire walk. Cool atmosphere - almost like reading a hangover... And the fact that it wasn't Santa banging Mrs. Clause but Satan (which is just 'Santa' scrambled) was actually pretty witty. Nice save here. I might've missed the hints leading up to it but I'm glad I did because the conclusion was a pleasant surprise. Call me crazy... but I loved the ending. I just wish the middle section was written a lot better, and with the care of the opening stanza plus the atmosphere of the last... Would've made for a compete piece. Even a great one.

But overall this was still a cool verse and a fairly unique, sinister twist on the topic. Good comeback.

Diablo:

This may be one or my favorite verses you have ever done. Just a different level here - Clean and precise, technically flawless with an emotional hook few can match. I read this twice back-to-back and loved it even more the second time. It honestly almost feels like a pre-written verse that you had stowed away or posted on another site and used for this topic. I say that because it was that damn good... just seems polished beyond the usual few days we have to write... which is a compliment if it wasn't. Not judging or making assumptions at all. Just an observation.

The snowman metaphor was perfection. It was done so subtly, was so casually intertwined, so seamless, that it almost didn't matter that it was a metaphor. It just seemed so, well... perfect.

The repeating groundhog day vibe was executed with the same subtlety, really driving, or should I say guiding, home the trauma associated with this holiday for you/the antagonist in a thoughtful way. A painful reminder every year of a tragedy that can never be avoided thus can never properly heal... When a day usually associated with happiness and joy is ripped away, what are you left with? You're left with this...

And it was both sad and beautiful. This really just establishes the point that if you're given the right topic, and are in the right frame of mind, you're incredibly tough to beat. This would've been borderline impossible for anyone to outdo, actually.

This was the written equivalent of a quiet, snowy night... Where you can't hear a thing and everyone is inside and it seems like you're the only person in the world...

What's better than that?

I can't think of much.

Vote: Diablo

12-27-2022, 09:18 AM	#1
Master Rock Steadily Lurking Join Date: Jul 2013 Location: Beyond your reach Posts: 1,390 Battle Record: 7-7 Champed - Netcees Writers League Rep Power: 5599641	As much as it breaks my heart I'm going to have to give it to Lars. Halo story was quite interesting and took an angle which I never expected so it was full of surprises. Especially with the elves doing naughty things which I thought was mind boggling. Had a nice cadence and seems like it took a lot of time put it together which was well done. Lars on the other hand had detail story that felt more grounded in reality and a bit more serious. Even though this was a close one. If Halo would have taken a little more time and got rid of questionable lines such as is opening bar spinning Santa. I felt that that was kind oddly place had an attempt to actually refer to the picture but I would have done it differently and I believe he would have taken this. __________________ https://www.instagram.com/master_rock1/ https://www.youtube.com/graphicalmindz

12-27-2022, 01:01 PM	#2
Universe Everything's Connected Join Date: Nov 2017 Location: Niagara Falls, Canada Posts: 1,001 Battle Record: 19-8 Champed - Guerrilla Writing League(2x) - GWL Picture challenge(2x) - Art of Writing League Rep Power: 10178706	brokenhal0: Well it started out pretty solid actually with a good rhyme scheme building the narrative. Steady flow. I had high hopes that you brought your 'A' game but then you just abruptly gave up on the great foundation you laid and went into some diatribe about Santa fucking Mrs. Clause and all the Elves involved in some circle jerk and I kind of just tuned out... Not because of the material, but because it wasn't done well. It was rushed and felt beneath even you... and although that was probably the intention, there really is no excuse for regressing to Cereal-like levels of incoherence and blabbering, especially after you started out so well. THAT SAID... and upon further reading... I actually thought the morning after section, after Santa returns from his gift giving or whatever the fuck you call it, was a step in the right direction. Maybe an entire walk. Cool atmosphere - almost like reading a hangover... And the fact that it wasn't Santa banging Mrs. Clause but Satan (which is just 'Santa' scrambled) was actually pretty witty. Nice save here. I might've missed the hints leading up to it but I'm glad I did because the conclusion was a pleasant surprise. Call me crazy... but I loved the ending. I just wish the middle section was written a lot better, and with the care of the opening stanza plus the atmosphere of the last... Would've made for a compete piece. Even a great one. But overall this was still a cool verse and a fairly unique, sinister twist on the topic. Good comeback. Diablo: This may be one or my favorite verses you have ever done. Just a different level here - Clean and precise, technically flawless with an emotional hook few can match. I read this twice back-to-back and loved it even more the second time. It honestly almost feels like a pre-written verse that you had stowed away or posted on another site and used for this topic. I say that because it was that damn good... just seems polished beyond the usual few days we have to write... which is a compliment if it wasn't. Not judging or making assumptions at all. Just an observation. The snowman metaphor was perfection. It was done so subtly, was so casually intertwined, so seamless, that it almost didn't matter that it was a metaphor. It just seemed so, well... perfect. The repeating groundhog day vibe was executed with the same subtlety, really driving, or should I say guiding, home the trauma associated with this holiday for you/the antagonist in a thoughtful way. A painful reminder every year of a tragedy that can never be avoided thus can never properly heal... When a day usually associated with happiness and joy is ripped away, what are you left with? You're left with this... And it was both sad and beautiful. This really just establishes the point that if you're given the right topic, and are in the right frame of mind, you're incredibly tough to beat. This would've been borderline impossible for anyone to outdo, actually. This was the written equivalent of a quiet, snowy night... Where you can't hear a thing and everyone is inside and it seems like you're the only person in the world... What's better than that? I can't think of much. Vote: Diablo __________________ ..Passed the Present and Future..