WEEK FOURTEEN: DEAD MAN (2-1) vs ACTIVATE SELF (0-1) DEAD MAN WINS VIA NS OPEN FOR FEED

Adverse · 07-22-2022, 01:19 AM

AOWL Season X WEEK FOURTEEN

@dead man @ACTIVATE SELF

Verse Due: MONDAY JULY 25TH @ 11:59 EST

Line min: 10

Max: 40

Rules: http://www.netcees.org/showthread.php?t=150311

Topic:

GOOD LUCK

ACTIVATE SELF · 07-22-2022, 01:51 PM

Interesting topic.

Good luck, DM.

dead man · 07-22-2022, 07:46 PM

Ok

dead man · 07-24-2022, 11:15 PM

October the 2nd

we all felt like we had over-invested
now that it was happening, emotional sickness
stony park driveway, aluminum benches
Louisville slugger, knocked him home in an instant
blood, bone and a kinship
forged in sulfur and the odor of shit
no soldiers of fortune, only
a roaming band of lonely apprentices
drove in a rental. rolled down all the windows
smoking our cigarettes
wishing it was anyone but Joe who had flipped
but that's it. grab the money
every token and trinket
roll him in shrinkwrap. load it with incense
petroleum, whiskey. its only business
we whispered to ourselves, over and over again
crying tears of grown men that froze on our skin
choking up our sentences
our jokes, our incentives. but
we knew what we signed up for in that moment, he says
and its true. we realized it
when we opened that chest, expecting gold
and found a set of headstones with our postal address
oh, boy. what a mess
we're pro accomplices in criminal negligence
part-time detectives, full time corporate collectors
part-time mules, full time motion detectors
barreling in coach round-trip towards independence
handy dandy brass knuckles
flasks of potions and nectar
baggies full of Faith, a psychotropic adventure
top drawers of our dresser =
total assault on serotonin receptors
folded nicely next to silver badges holsters and weapons
powder / gas / ghostly spectre
we hustled our dope relentlessly
while our enemies were shaving up soap, calling it ketamine
benzodiazepine, potent and sniff
if you're on patrol, you know what it is
we're all old friends
we used to argue as kids
how if anybody tattled we'd be throwing our fists
lo and behold, it resulted in this
adulthood is different
nowadays, we can't tolerate a hole in the fence
so we threw you in the trunk
of this boat with an engine
aka my old Deville, with the groaning suspension
dont you remember? you
helped me fix the rotaries in it
around the time my daughter was six, and Mona was pregnant
poor girl ..
but she'll get over it. you told us to listen.
then you sacrificed our brothers for a cozier sentence
coffee and entenmann's. conjugal visits.
almost cost us everything, innit
so close, but no cigar, no imprisonment
mozart on the radio, we're over the bridge
i hope you can swim, under a
hundred tons of ocean pacific
all i can say is
farewell, Joe.

I'll miss you.

rip

Rawn MD · 07-29-2022, 04:00 AM

Dope shit dead man

Sht reads smooth as fuck. If I didn’t see the picture and I read the verse…. In my minds eye I would see that picture. I think you fuckin killed this tbh. Whole thing is fluid, and hella engaging. It’s a shame you got no showed, but activate would have had to drop absolute fire to take this. This week killed your last week. This just had a real raw feeling to it. Thoroughly enjoyed the read.

Universe · 07-29-2022, 09:41 AM

dead man

This was like reading a spin off rhyming version of Mystic River, but with a noire vibe attached to it. I love that you infused a narrative this week and I hope you continue down this path going forward because you really shine when you're focused.

This was a dark but intriguing tale of childhood friends that grew up together and are now doing some dark shit as adults. I got the vibe that they are dirty cops, all on the same force? Or maybe they just had fake badges for some jobs they did... Regardless, how they dealt with the betrayal at the end with Joe flipping on them after getting pinched himself, although necessary, was tragic and brutal. Couple this with the regret that is laced and expertly intertwined throughout the verse from the protagonist's perspective and you have a masterfully constructed verse from start to finish.

Only critical feedback I can give that would be helpful would be to really focus in on your story and add more detail. Fine tune things. I wanted more PLOT. The only way to beat you is with a strong story and if you can really add that to your repertoire you will be nearly unbeatable.

Your characters are strong because of the emotion you build inside them through internal narration, and your willingness to let the reader draw their own conclusions with JUST enough information to point us down a path, but with an outright refusal to hold our hands while we walk down it, is so dead man-esque and done so brilliantly it is almost a sub-genre that you own the exclusive rights to.

Maybe this is why I always want more... maybe that's the point...

Anyway, you really are a marvel, my friend. I'm literally a dead man mark and proud of it. This is writing at its highest calibre... rhyming be damned. It's just icing on the cake that it rhymes, really. This is something beyond what we do. It's why you stand out... scratch that, "out" isn't the right word.

"Above" is.

"we whispered to ourselves, over and over again
crying tears of grown men that froze on our skin
choking up our sentences
our jokes, our incentives. but
we knew what we signed up for in that moment, he says
and its true. we realized it
when we opened that chest, expecting gold
and found a set of headstones with our postal address
oh, boy. what a mess
we're pro accomplices in criminal negligence
part-time detectives, full time corporate collectors
part-time mules, full time motion detectors"

Beautiful stuff.

07-22-2022, 01:19 AM	#1
Adverse low tide in serotonin bay Join Date: Jul 2013 Posts: 2,747 Battle Record: 37-28 Champed - GWL Picture Challenge - Guerrilla Writing League - Black August II Rep Power: 15446143	WEEK FOURTEEN: DEAD MAN (2-1) vs ACTIVATE SELF (0-1) DEAD MAN WINS VIA NS OPEN FOR FEED AOWL Season X WEEK FOURTEEN @dead man @ACTIVATE SELF Verse Due: MONDAY JULY 25TH @ 11:59 EST Line min: 10 Max: 40 Rules: http://www.netcees.org/showthread.php?t=150311 Topic: GOOD LUCK

07-22-2022, 07:46 PM	#3
dead man living Join Date: Jan 2013 Posts: 3,469 Battle Record: 33-18 Accomplishments - Hall of Fame Champed - AOWL Season 1 - Art of Writing League - AOWL Season 4 - Write Week V - GWL Season 1 Rep Power: 77606676	Ok __________________ Zack Wicks for president

07-24-2022, 11:15 PM	#4
dead man living Join Date: Jan 2013 Posts: 3,469 Battle Record: 33-18 Accomplishments - Hall of Fame Champed - AOWL Season 1 - Art of Writing League - AOWL Season 4 - Write Week V - GWL Season 1 Rep Power: 77606676	October the 2nd we all felt like we had over-invested now that it was happening, emotional sickness stony park driveway, aluminum benches Louisville slugger, knocked him home in an instant blood, bone and a kinship forged in sulfur and the odor of shit no soldiers of fortune, only a roaming band of lonely apprentices drove in a rental. rolled down all the windows smoking our cigarettes wishing it was anyone but Joe who had flipped but that's it. grab the money every token and trinket roll him in shrinkwrap. load it with incense petroleum, whiskey. its only business we whispered to ourselves, over and over again crying tears of grown men that froze on our skin choking up our sentences our jokes, our incentives. but we knew what we signed up for in that moment, he says and its true. we realized it when we opened that chest, expecting gold and found a set of headstones with our postal address oh, boy. what a mess we're pro accomplices in criminal negligence part-time detectives, full time corporate collectors part-time mules, full time motion detectors barreling in coach round-trip towards independence handy dandy brass knuckles flasks of potions and nectar baggies full of Faith, a psychotropic adventure top drawers of our dresser = total assault on serotonin receptors folded nicely next to silver badges holsters and weapons powder / gas / ghostly spectre we hustled our dope relentlessly while our enemies were shaving up soap, calling it ketamine benzodiazepine, potent and sniff if you're on patrol, you know what it is we're all old friends we used to argue as kids how if anybody tattled we'd be throwing our fists lo and behold, it resulted in this adulthood is different nowadays, we can't tolerate a hole in the fence so we threw you in the trunk of this boat with an engine aka my old Deville, with the groaning suspension dont you remember? you helped me fix the rotaries in it around the time my daughter was six, and Mona was pregnant poor girl .. but she'll get over it. you told us to listen. then you sacrificed our brothers for a cozier sentence coffee and entenmann's. conjugal visits. almost cost us everything, innit so close, but no cigar, no imprisonment mozart on the radio, we're over the bridge i hope you can swim, under a hundred tons of ocean pacific all i can say is farewell, Joe. I'll miss you. rip __________________ Zack Wicks for president Last edited by dead man; 07-24-2022 at 11:50 PM.

07-29-2022, 04:00 AM	#5
Rawn MD Get MacDon Join Date: Dec 1969 Posts: 2,168 Battle Record: 3-7 Accomplishments - OM HOF Rep Power: 0	Dope shit dead man Sht reads smooth as fuck. If I didn’t see the picture and I read the verse…. In my minds eye I would see that picture. I think you fuckin killed this tbh. Whole thing is fluid, and hella engaging. It’s a shame you got no showed, but activate would have had to drop absolute fire to take this. This week killed your last week. This just had a real raw feeling to it. Thoroughly enjoyed the read. __________________ FFC>FCC A. bove T. he R. est

07-29-2022, 09:41 AM	#6
Universe Everything's Connected Join Date: Nov 2017 Location: Niagara Falls, Canada Posts: 999 Battle Record: 19-8 Champed - Guerrilla Writing League(2x) - GWL Picture challenge(2x) - Art of Writing League Rep Power: 10178702	dead man This was like reading a spin off rhyming version of Mystic River, but with a noire vibe attached to it. I love that you infused a narrative this week and I hope you continue down this path going forward because you really shine when you're focused. This was a dark but intriguing tale of childhood friends that grew up together and are now doing some dark shit as adults. I got the vibe that they are dirty cops, all on the same force? Or maybe they just had fake badges for some jobs they did... Regardless, how they dealt with the betrayal at the end with Joe flipping on them after getting pinched himself, although necessary, was tragic and brutal. Couple this with the regret that is laced and expertly intertwined throughout the verse from the protagonist's perspective and you have a masterfully constructed verse from start to finish. Only critical feedback I can give that would be helpful would be to really focus in on your story and add more detail. Fine tune things. I wanted more PLOT. The only way to beat you is with a strong story and if you can really add that to your repertoire you will be nearly unbeatable. Your characters are strong because of the emotion you build inside them through internal narration, and your willingness to let the reader draw their own conclusions with JUST enough information to point us down a path, but with an outright refusal to hold our hands while we walk down it, is so dead man-esque and done so brilliantly it is almost a sub-genre that you own the exclusive rights to. Maybe this is why I always want more... maybe that's the point... Anyway, you really are a marvel, my friend. I'm literally a dead man mark and proud of it. This is writing at its highest calibre... rhyming be damned. It's just icing on the cake that it rhymes, really. This is something beyond what we do. It's why you stand out... scratch that, "out" isn't the right word. "Above" is. "we whispered to ourselves, over and over again crying tears of grown men that froze on our skin choking up our sentences our jokes, our incentives. but we knew what we signed up for in that moment, he says and its true. we realized it when we opened that chest, expecting gold and found a set of headstones with our postal address oh, boy. what a mess we're pro accomplices in criminal negligence part-time detectives, full time corporate collectors part-time mules, full time motion detectors" Beautiful stuff. __________________ ..Passed the Present and Future..