WEEK SEVEN: BROKENHAL0 (3-3) vs EVICTION (4-1) EVICTION WINS 3-0

[Adverse]

AOWL Season X WEEK SEVEN

@brokenhal0 @Eviction

Verse Due: MONDAY MAY 16TH @ 11:59PM EST

Line min: 10

Max: 40


Rules: http://www.netcees.org/showthread.php?t=150311

Topic:




GOOD LUCK

[brokenhal0]

'' Bait & Switch ''

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GHhG_YvUIBQ



Fantastic inertia
a frost bitten man strapped to a sherpa
babbles about red eyed sharks eating surfers
off the coast of panama
blood moon black plasma star
oxygen mask wave grenade battle scar
ballad horns of the apples core glorified saint brigade
at the chum table gutting sable with a serrated blade
the scent of death got him sniffing powders off the chamber maid
satan slave
lured toward the cage
take the bait
it will take the pain away
save the sapiens some might say the sun don't sink at all
save the radiance the veil was placed there to evade the aliens
lady of the night please play me a tune to drown out the shore breaks
city black out's a dim light brightens your hallway
tadpoles swimming in my favorite chair mahogany
old and dated carved by a danish queer
wanted for murder in Copenhagen say a prayer
bargain basement prices
trying to stiffen the sweet tooth
loss is inevitable
karma nazi
we all get off on who's going to eat you
prudence aside I started feeling good noticing some bleed through
it was an act of role reversals
three hungry beast at the portal in elements that don't apply to you
swim yonder hiding in some decrepit yacht squeezed in a porthole
playing solitaire with lobsters saw tooth fangs roam azure marbles
from the depths of neptune I cast a cosmic barnacle
tropical seals collect to feed at the equator getting psychological
I play with there food eyeing two different abstractions
I'm a sucker for whore language on bleecker st doubled over
red wiggler man how do you feel being the biggest worm in the castle
in the cooler on the beach jump a double decker tackle
Soapy catfish rabbits feet chasing coyote ugly
beet red bonfires emblazoned shadows on schools of roaming guppies.

[Eviction]

All For Nothing


Barren and bleak galaxies, I discovered interstellar beauty when I was unworthy,
Got challenged by these fallacies even my planet had sharks that were bloodthirsty.
These astronomy classes had me up early, I was fixated but I didn’t want to stray too far,
Trying to elevate my grades to par, so one of these days I can plant a flag on Mars.
We never had the same thoughts, so there’s no dimension where we can coexist.
You think about the boasting chauvinist, I think about the black holes that are closing in,
While it sucks you into the wasteland, jealousy when I sit here, clearly it’s fear and regret.
The astronomers say the rocket ships were in safe hands until I made plans to steer and direct
Too novice, so they veer to select, it would be years until I perfect and become this traveler
While soaking up knowledge from the egotistical veterans, to them I was just a passenger.
Along for the ride; a passionate scavenger, to them it was a job, to me it was a destination.
I wanted to be responsible for new discoveries, even if I unearthed insignificant vegetation.
I wanted to make an impact like a meteor strike, If I don’t succeed that would be a tragedy.
Imagine trying to reach the ceiling when you’re buried and stuck to the ground without gravity.
I knew that we were just visitors, if tables turned would our government let Martians proceed?
Return back to their home planet for a celebration, dragging us around like a carcass trophy
This mission was partially low-key, a Captain Kirk is really want they needed to have on hand.
A master of the universe, so if we’re stranded we can eat the particle dust before we land,
And have an excuse for this extraterrestrial invasion, my proud day, was this abnormal outbreak.
thrived in the silence, if only I could buy property in this galaxy, where there’s no soundwave.
This is a future I’ll never downplay, fuck my life here if I can exist in a different atmosphere.
So I tossed the landing gear, meanwhile on earth they talk about a shipwreck, and gasp in fear,
I bask beneath this chandelier, plasma from the deceased aliens, hanging like crystal balls.
On my home planet, there’s a storm brewing, I avoided the civil war, and escaped prison walls.
The other astronauts died from panic as the stars collapsed, I treated it like a camping trip.
I was the last man standing, which is an irony because I was never considered a candidate,
To “stand” in this abandoned ship. I guess that’s karma for the way you treated your mechanic.
When I make it home I’ll take a few souvenirs, gathering your bones; pretending they're ceramic…
Hand them into historians for analytics, they dated the bones back before the mission started.
Discredited my findings like I didn’t hit the target, then pricks threw remains in the garbage.
The artifacts had bugs crawling through the crevices, so what I found on mars was actual life.
I realized this was all for nothing, my blood sweat, tears, and the forgotten’s battle cry.

[Dominate]

Halo,
This was cool for what it was - seemed like you threw on the beat and just kinda keyed this up as like a free flow of ideas that were tied to sharks and/or space, seeing where the rhymes would take you. Lots of cool imagery and some nice slant rhymes as usual. Less polished than some of your other pieces have been, excepting towards the end. I did enjoy the read but it's not a very competitive piece. I liked your verse last week better.



Eviction,
This was cool. Solid flow, good rhymes and vocab as usual. This was similar to a lot of your other work in that you're writing in first person, the tone is kinda sad/bitter/angry, you're obviously referencing yourself and this league in parts, the writing is heavy on metaphor/abstraction/'hidden' meanings etc. None of that is bad, but it'd be cool to see you branch out and try something else. I kinda feel like I'm reading about the same guy but in a parallel universe where the setting is different each week. I will say though that I thought your narrative came through much more clearly here than in other pieces, which I liked. Thought you took this one fairly convincingly.

V/ Eviction

[Objective]

First off, what a dope fucking topic you got. Looking forward to read how the battlers approach this one.

Brokenhal0: Digging your title. Interesting, I take it your main character is strapped to a sherpa and is having a psychotic episode being carried up/down a mountain? The first 3 sentences really caught my attention but after you kinda lose me in the process.
Action packed sentences that's a bit hard to grasp the meaning of at times, but I'm guessing the guy strapped to the sherpa is conversing this to him. Seems to me he's speaking in tongues through a lot of it, kind of difficult for me to grasp what you're going for but the chaos in the image and some imagery is definitely caught well here and there.

Overall I feel like the story and what's going on could have been made a little more obvious, cus as it stands now the piece as a whole is a bit all over the place. Entertaining read regardless, the visuals are cool.

Eviction: Good intro, definitely catching the sci-fi fantasy feel and the premise is easy to understand. Loving the story you got going tbh, sentences such as this shows that you have a knack for it:

This mission was partially low-key, a Captain Kirk is really what they needed to have on hand.
A master of the universe, so if we’re stranded we can eat the particle dust before we land,

&

The other astronauts died from panic as the stars collapsed, I treated it like a camping trip.
I was the last man standing, which is an irony because I was never considered a candidate,
To “stand” in this abandoned ship. I guess that’s karma for the way you treated your mechanic.
When I make it home I’ll take a few souvenirs, gathering your bones; pretending they're ceramic…

Interesting story and feel like you portrayed the other astronauts as the sharks surrounding your main character which ties it to the topic. I don't know if that's what you were going for, but nevertheless that's my interpretation of it.

Dope closure and definitely bittersweet seeing how he found what he was looking for but it wasn't acknowledged by anyone.

Vote: Eviction. His story was dope af and well written from beginning to end. Great flow, visuals and plot brought it all together in a dope entertaining read that's definitely solid and a threat to the league as a whole. BrokenHal0's story was cool as well but a bit to chaotic for me to get to the point where I'd even consider his over Evictions really strong submission this week.

[Master Rock]

Yo not quite sure what happened here. Halo is a beast and a force most of the time. I'm not sure if this topic was really speaking to him or what not. But it isn't as strong as he typically comes out. Eviction on the other hand came straight out the gate swinging strong flow throughout rhymes on point story on Deck. It was a really strong enjoyable read for me. Halo on the other hand was harder for me to digest. I'm giving it to eviction this week.