WEEK TWO: TIMELESS (0-1) vs DOMINATE (1-0) DOM WINS

[Adverse]

AOWL Season X WEEK TWO

@timeless @Dominate




Verse Due: FRIDAY APRIL 1ST @ 11:59PM EST


Line min: 10

Max: 60


Rules: http://www.netcees.org/showthread.php?t=150311

Topic:

GOOD LUCK

[Dominate]

Check. Good luck man.

[timeless]

Solid topic have fun my dude

[timeless]

Def need an ext this week

[Dominate]

Yup me too. No worries.

[Dominate]

The jagged squeak of an office chair cuts through the hum of computers
Somewhere to my right there’s a flutter of movement

I don’t look up. They might be watching.

I never know when the webcam’s on, or when they capture a screen shot
But I know if I’m caught distracted my career can collapse into free fall
They access the key logs. Check my browser history, app use
Who I’m emailing and why, how many times I visit the bathroom
The monitor’s monitored. Phone line’s tapped - they listen to that too
The job’s a digital panopticon. Cell number iMac six seven dash two
The argument’s simple. They have the right to target this info
You’re paid to be here, they want to realise all your potential
Time theft’s a crime and it must be guarded against, so
They take simple security measures. Merely locks on the windows
My social media’s a wasteland, littered with perfunctory edits
Everything carefully curated to conform to the company’s ethics
Hand in every part of my life til I can’t tell where the puppetry’s end is
It’s not enough to be productive. You must adopt the proper aesthetics
My break is 11:05 today. Room C. It’s always different.
Two others I’ve never met before introduce themselves. John & Tristan.
I microwave my meal, taking two of my allotted minutes
We make small talk from approved topics, observing the proper limits
Even here, they watch and listen. They say it’s for our security
The scrutiny keeps us free from the freedom to speak with impunity

The honest worker knows that none of this is alarming.
Just keep your mind on the job. Relax. Big Business is watching.

[timeless]

Soft spoken, chosen to unfold a mind gone and broken.
Roping in solutions hoping that time holds the potion.
As the minutes pass, I finish my glass of Bordeaux.
Chasing the tail of emptiness so fast I implode.
A passionate soul on more of a bender than futurama.
Sniff whatever it is, tell the dealer to choose the product.
I'm going in blind with my nostrils flared waiting on bliss.
Shit, forever I'll sip on bourbon until my liver worsens.
And in time, the hospitals are scared of patients with this
type of demeanor, so I'll be the bigger person.
And I'll stay home and count my pesos 'til the tides change.
Ride out this high life of mine with stained clothes and a migraine.
I mean come on, day to day dollar for dollar earned and spent.
Forever in debt, might as well just fucking burn my check.
Eventually this suit of mine will lose its shine and unwind.
So I'll forever wrap up my tie in a noose and ask God why I'm alive.
Before I do it, like most people I'll ask 'What does it mean to die?'
Will I arrive in a green field with wings flying over the line?
Drunk and obscure, crashing through the pearly gates.
The seeing eye in the sky watched my downfall from an early stage.
Been told the opposite of what's good my whole life.
So what's bad? What's bad is I cant hoof through the slights.
My spirit stays in flight yet it seems I'm nearing the slope.
Downwards, towards a bottom full of rocks yet it's there that I'm hearing is DOPE!

[Adonis]

Dom - First thing caught my eye is simple but I liked the flip on "Monitors Monitored". Your flip on the topic was nice, and even the actual story was simple, but not in a bad way. I mean you just explained the paranoia involved in working for a big company, gave us a glimpse in the window of a day, which was perfect given the topic. Almost like the eye looking in is me watching the guy work, so his paranioa puts me as the peeping Tom lol, fucking hell as i'm typing this topic flip was glorious. After voting is complete please tell me if I enterperated it correctly. As far as wording and flow and rhyme, nothing in terms of sore thumb or hiccups, Some of the rhyme schemes didn't hit overly hard, then some did, but even the ones that didn't were effective in the sense that they did its job in flow but more so were key points in the story itself. All in all, I've only read like 5-6 verses but thus far this is my favorite of the round.

Time - Striaght narrative for me here, I enjoyed the read as a story and more than a few of the bars or lines simply flowed perfectly. Most notably lines 3-5 flowed perfectly imo, like nothing could be changed to convey what you were saying to enhance the flow or wording, perfect imo. While I enjoyed the verse, I get the sense that I'm missing something, because to me there was no real flip that I found. Instead just a simple story telling type read that paced perfectly and had no glaring errors. And actually, on second read I see what youre doing here is explaining the life of a person who is drowning in vices, due to the fact that he works but can only make ends meet. So the guy in a tie (enjoyed you comparing tie to a nose) is the dude being watched by his higher being which he's asking why life is the way it is. Solid take and execution, thoroughly enjoyed


vote - Dom

both these were very good reads, there really was nothing that I DID NOT like from either read. But... Doms Flip of the eye being me, which may be wishful thinking, but thats how I enterperated, was just a stronger flip IMO. Of the verses I read this week, these are my two favs, so tuff brk for Time, but as I said, you both truly did your thing to perfection. BOTW thus far

[Adverse]

Before I lean one way or another I just wanted to let you guys know that I really did enjoy both of your verses, you guys don’t write 60 lines yet your ability to flesh out a story in what you’re given is truly dope. I read this battle a couple of times just to make sure I had the right decision and even though you guys took this in the direction I was thinking of when I saw this picture (god/big brother etc) both of you told nice narratives and they’re worthy of a breakdown.

Dom - I liked this verse man. I think last week you put your storytelling on display but since the topic was more on the non serious side I wasn’t paying as much attention to it. The story progressed at a nice pace and I like you encapsulated what a walk on eggshells it is working for some companies and how careful you have got to be when even talking about the wrong things. Also like how it showed the monotony of a workplace but just how mysterious it could be as well, really fucked with this section here

“ The argument’s simple. They have the right to target this info
You’re paid to be here, they want to realise all your potential
Time theft’s a crime and it must be guarded against, so
They take simple security measures. Merely locks on the windows
My social media’s a wasteland, littered with perfunctory edits
Everything carefully curated to conform to the company’s ethics
Hand in every part of my life til I can’t tell where the puppetry’s end is
It’s not enough to be productive. You must adopt the proper aesthetics”

That puppetry bar was dope. Great drop this week. Only complain was the ending could have been a little more impactful? It just sort of existed. Still liked this one overall

Timeless:
This was another nice verse and your flow is really the strongest part of your writing in my opinion. It just carries the whole narrative through very smoothly, I liked how you approached this topic and just how everything was delivered so concisely, I mean this just seems so natural for you. My favorite hit was

“I mean come on, day to day dollar for dollar earned and spent.
Forever in debt, might as well just fucking burn my check.
Eventually this suit of mine will lose its shine and unwind.
So I'll forever wrap up my tie in a noose and ask God why I'm alive.
Before I do it, like most people I'll ask 'What does it mean to die?'“

My only real problem is I feel like you can do better. Like maybe your entire heart isn’t in this just yet but I feel like here you delivered again with a good verse, but feel like you were just out written. Dom’s story kept me intrigued all the way through where I felt yours kinda fell off at the end especially the last line I wasn’t a particular fan of. I think you’re a super dope writer and I hate to vote against you when you wrote something here that was pretty dope but Dom just had more here to get him the W. Good battle

V/Dom

[Candy]

dom:

dude fire story, im the type of cat that story comes first before any other element of writing a verse.. and this was nice i like the concept but it was they you portrayed it, it came off very clean.. i think structure was tight and vocab but as far as rhyme it was a lil too loose for my style.. all in all cool piece though brah..

time:
very poeticly street orientated the rhyme was off the hook so clean with internals.. the structure was infinitely tighter then doms and just in general was dope.. it had very personal feeling to it as a whole.. it was simple but cool.. story wise not much to it but it def was delivered smoothly so nice nice..

vote = timeless

it came down to what i put before anything else which is story but when it comes down to more elements even though story covered covers more then one piece of need to make a good verse if you get out weighed in general it happens.. gl guys

[Universe]

Dominate:

I have my eye on this guy like the topic pic... Tons of potential... Let's go.

Cool start. The opening bar, although intentionally uneven, actually makes things immediately intriguing and sets the tone nicely. The main thing I love about your writing is how smooth and clean it is; multi's and word choice are spot on and you deliver the message you're trying to convey with crystalike clarity. Each bar is impactful and you have the ability to carry on rhyme schemes for awhile (or sometimes an entire piece like you did last week), which is difficult to do without losing momentum and watering down your piece... but hell, you pull it off nicely.

One negative - I felt the story was sort of... low hanging fruit. I think you went the safe route here and took things at face value and just let your writing ability carry the workload, which was fine...* just, in my opinion, this topic could've been ripped apart and pieced back together again in intriguing ways and I feel an opportunity for something truly different was missed here...

Beyond that, this piece was masterful in almost every way and I loved what you brought to the table.

Highlights:

"They access the key logs. Check my browser history, app use
Who I’m emailing and why, how many times I visit the bathroom
The monitor’s monitored. Phone line’s tapped - they listen to that too
The job’s a digital panopticon. Cell number iMac six seven dash two"

- By far the best part. Amazing descriptions with perfect flow.

"My social media’s a wasteland, littered with perfunctory edits
Everything carefully curated to conform to the company’s ethics"

- Great wording.

Some impressive writing on display man. Good work.


timeless:

This was different, but in a good way. Mostly. I felt you went in a more unique direction than Dominate's, and your interpretation veering off beyond the obvious was appreciated. I liked most of the vibe of this piece, couple straggling lines aside that snapped me out of the story, but you TRIED something here, and I liked the effort.

The biggest issue for me was the technical aspects. It just didn't read well at points. Sometimes it was bang on, but that just made the negatives get accentuated even more. For example: "on more of a bender than Futurama" had no place in this story. I like when people tie in clever references but this just seemed amateur to me. I rolled my eyes at it... Never good.

Also, this:

"I'm going in blind with my nostrils flared waiting on bliss.
Shit, forever I'll sip on bourbon until my liver worsens"

This just came off jagged and awkward... like when someone forces a word to rhyme unnaturally and it just seems like such a stretch. I thought the interior multi would've worked better for the conclusion of the 1st bar just for pure reading purposes. For example, it could've been:

"I'm going in blind with my nostrils flared as I sip on bourbon
Shit, forever I'm waiting on bliss until my liver worsens"

Just reads better, in my opinion. Which matters in text.

The ending was actually pretty cool, but I felt the last descriptive line of the bottom being "dope" was a horrible choice of words and cheapened the impact. Sorry, but words like these aren't deep at all. The english language has way better terminology that you could've utilized here... and you should've.

But enough negatives... this was the good stuff:

"And I'll stay home and count my pesos 'til the tides change.
Ride out this high life of mine with stained clothes and a migraine"

- Loved this bar. The juxtaposition of "high life" to "stained clothes with a migraine" was so nice.

"Drunk and obscure, crashing through the pearly gates.
The seeing eye in the sky watched my downfall from an early stage"

- Good connection to the topic. Should've expanded on this though - give us some backstory here... Maybe how this dude was brought up being watched (or feeling like he was) ala The Truman Show or something... like what if you detailed Truman's life AFTER he escaped the show... like he felt like he was still being watched even though he no longer was... and how that televised upbringing manipulated his psyche moving forward in the real world without cameras... Regardless, a missed opportunity to flesh out your piece here.

Good battle, you two. But the glaring difference here was in the categories of word choice and technical ability, which Dominate, well... dominated. I felt like timeless had the more creative story but it wasn't executed the right way... which it would've had to have been to get the nod over the not-so dark horse of this league.

So, with that all said...

Vote: Dominate

[Dank]

Dope topic! The whole Orwellian 1984 vibe instantly reminds me of Big Brother and brings that to the forefront when seeing this topic with the huge optic bearing down over this lonely suit and tie figure. I also love the dystopian future type aura this gives off, where the guy appears to be the last person on earth - or wherever he may be - a hint at him maybe immersing himself completely in his work until he reaches his time to die, and then realising he really doesn’t have anyone but himself left. All that money, and for what? The rich man is those with family and friends sort of deal. I could see this topic going in either of those two directions in my mind (not read either of your verses at the time of writing this) so let’s see what you guys did here:

Dom: Fantastic take! I’m familiar with the book 1984 like I mentioned in the prelude to my vote so this speaks to me personally in terms of the thematic elements used, this omnipotent eye in the sky scrutinising every movement and watching everything that we do. It’s still very relevant to present day what with CCTV surveillance and internet cookies etc for sure, placing this firmly in the present or not too distant future. I’m glad you went this route as it’s the most direct to the topic and my first thought upon seeing it. I’m sure there are commercial premises already that aren’t too far removed from what’s described here, with their constant monitoring and it being almost like a prison setup rather than a workplace. In fact at one point I see you mentioned the word ‘panopticon’ which is some form of centralised prison watchtower where the guard can keep check on multiple prisoners all at once by my understanding. Dope as fuck word to use here, given the context but also the narrative. I thought you did very well in terms of the tone of the writers voice opted for here. You kept the writing conversational, with good imagery to open things up with, and this section stood out with you carrying the same multi string over the four lines from a technical standpoint which I’m big on:

They access the key logs. Check my browser history, app use
Who I’m emailing and why, how many times I visit the bathroom
The monitor’s monitored. Phone line’s tapped - they listen to that too
The job’s a digital panopticon. Cell number iMac six seven dash two

“Monitors monitored,” was dope as someone already mentioned previously but it’s not just the odd flourish here that stands out so much as the general writers voice at the heart of it driving things forward, that’s what really carried this beyond simply stating everything that appeared to be happening. It’s credit to you for embodying the character and immersing yourself into this world, perhaps you already work within a similar environment, but the closing couplet hit with me because I’m familiar with 1984 enough to know know Winston never actually interacts with Big Brother throughout and it’s more a kind of perception that it’s there, without being evidenced, for the most part. I think your closing statement, right at the end, is also alluding to that idea somewhat - if you’re doing nothing wrong, you have nothing to worry about - and that’s probably the mantra trotted out by these big corporations to support their belief in doing so. It’s almost polarising - but that’s realistically the exact kind of closure this needs, with no definitive answer as to whether Big Brother actually exists, or not, to keep the populace guessing and keep them in place. It’s a form of control in itself. Propaganda to keep the sheep in check. I fuck with it. Panopticon is such a great word too, btw.

Timeless: Your rhyme placement and shorter line lengths gain you massive plus points in regard to the implied rhythmic cadence and flow to your work, and that stood out to me instantly. It carries the verse throughout, giving it a didactic quality we don’t see from so many others. I thought the switch-ups in your rhyme scheme at points were done well to kept me on my toes as a reader. The overarching idea I got from this piece was more so that the guy realises when his time is up, due to the life he’s lived it’s not heaven (pearly gates reference) that he’s destined for - but in fact, it’s Hell he’s headed too (downwards, rock bottom etc references). There were hints throughout for me that seemed to hint at some of the seven deadly sins like greed and gluttony (drugs and drinking to excess), envy, wrath as a result, sloth, pride (in his work/appearance), lust (chasing tail) and what I divulged form it is that this is some sort of eternal purgatory the guy is stuck between, where he’s been living to excess via the drink and drugs and fast living only now he’s realising that it’s all too late, but rather than panicking about what may or may not happen to him he’s already accepted his fate and realised “You know what? Maybe heaven ain’t for everyone after all,” and the dark pits of hell sound a lot more fun for someone who’s lived their entire life on the edge. The resolution is there and arcs right back to the topic, which is almost then like God itself looking down on the person with a critical eye as this lost soul chooses to go it alone rather than follow on up the steps of heaven. It’s a dope take on the topic with a twist at the end that lends itself well to what precedes in the build up. Quality. Two diff takes here but I favoured Dom’s overall. Good battle guys!

[Adverse]

DOM WINS 4-1