WEEK TWO: CORLEONE (0-0) vs CANDY (0-1) CORLEONE WINS 5-2

Dominate · 04-03-2022, 10:33 PM

Candy - I liked this verse more than the one you submitted last week. A vampire romance theme fits the topic well enough - a 'dangerous love' take. You have a very unique style. I appreciate elements of it - good vocab, imagery, interesting turns of phrase. There are some artistic elements like alliteration ("somber summer strings") and wordplay(?)("graves tone") in there. My main issue with your writing is that in most lines it's either too thick with metaphor for me to get it or just doesn't make any sense. "A symphony vile secrets true bible" is a good example of what I'm talking about. Bucking the rules of grammar/the English language can be an artistic device when done selectively and infrequently but it just feels too constant in your verses to me and comes off like you don't have a good command of the mechanics of language. Maybe I'm just a big dumb dumb and you're cleverly saying something profound that I'm missing. Sorry.

Cor - got some Carolyn from Maryland she lady heroin vibes here lol. If this was truly a keystyle then it's pretty good for that I guess. It's 2022 though and nobody really cares about how quickly you're able to write a verse - people (well, me at least) want to see the best piece of writing you're able to put up within the given amount of time. I like the enthusiasm of dropping early/quickly but I really would have preferred to see what you could come up with using a little more effort. This piece was pretty lacklustre to me. You described the life of a woman but did so in a way that was kinda boring. There were some heavy events listed - suicide, abortion, abandonment, - but there was nothing in the writing that resonated emotionally. It was all very surface level. Not sure about the connection to the topic either. Mechanically this wasn't bad, some OK rhyme schemes and it flowed well enough. "Grandmother of three, minus the child her daughter aborted" was a well written individual line and points to what you might be able to do with a little more thought and effort in subsequent weeks.

I'm voting for Candy. Cor's verse was more coherent but less interesting and not as good a take on the topic IMO.

04-03-2022, 10:33 PM	#1
Dominate Tread Lightly. Join Date: Feb 2013 Posts: 2,534 Battle Record: 26-9 Champed - Netcees Battle League - Battle Arena - Tag Team Tournament III - Tag Tournament: "Omicron Variant" Rep Power: 18197460	Candy - I liked this verse more than the one you submitted last week. A vampire romance theme fits the topic well enough - a 'dangerous love' take. You have a very unique style. I appreciate elements of it - good vocab, imagery, interesting turns of phrase. There are some artistic elements like alliteration ("somber summer strings") and wordplay(?)("graves tone") in there. My main issue with your writing is that in most lines it's either too thick with metaphor for me to get it or just doesn't make any sense. "A symphony vile secrets true bible" is a good example of what I'm talking about. Bucking the rules of grammar/the English language can be an artistic device when done selectively and infrequently but it just feels too constant in your verses to me and comes off like you don't have a good command of the mechanics of language. Maybe I'm just a big dumb dumb and you're cleverly saying something profound that I'm missing. Sorry. Cor - got some Carolyn from Maryland she lady heroin vibes here lol. If this was truly a keystyle then it's pretty good for that I guess. It's 2022 though and nobody really cares about how quickly you're able to write a verse - people (well, me at least) want to see the best piece of writing you're able to put up within the given amount of time. I like the enthusiasm of dropping early/quickly but I really would have preferred to see what you could come up with using a little more effort. This piece was pretty lacklustre to me. You described the life of a woman but did so in a way that was kinda boring. There were some heavy events listed - suicide, abortion, abandonment, - but there was nothing in the writing that resonated emotionally. It was all very surface level. Not sure about the connection to the topic either. Mechanically this wasn't bad, some OK rhyme schemes and it flowed well enough. "Grandmother of three, minus the child her daughter aborted" was a well written individual line and points to what you might be able to do with a little more thought and effort in subsequent weeks. I'm voting for Candy. Cor's verse was more coherent but less interesting and not as good a take on the topic IMO. __________________ The Bad Guys