WEEK TWO: CORLEONE (0-0) vs CANDY (0-1) CORLEONE WINS 5-2

Eviction · 03-30-2022, 08:30 PM

Candy
I liked how you started off alliteration was cool in the beginning found by the pond of slugs was a dope metaphore, I get the feeling that this is unfinished because it seems like you have incomplete ideas and lines that should have been elaborated more clearly, what stuck out to me as the highlight of your drop was your metaphors, I highlighted below in quotes by what I mean by incomplete ideas, I sometimes prefered the first line over the second.

Corleone
I thought I remembered you as a troll, and I peeped a few of your shit before and it was trash so this is beyond what I expected from you, I liked how you opened this up, and how I can instantly expect a story driven piece, it took a dark turn straight out of the gate which makes me want more of a back story leading up to this, but maybe next time save topics like this for longer pieces so you can get more of your story out, despite this making my mind wonder this was more than what I expected from you and a pretty decent drop, also I am only going to say this once, stop with the extra periods and dashes at the end of bars and all that extra shit I almost wanted to vote against you because of that alone.

Favorites from candy
Entry and exit wounds found by the pond of slugs
Stakes made by mistake stab and gush the air
Beyond cement blocks and past the graves tone

Favorites from corleone
she was exclusive.. a true dime piece to us hustlers,
who later fell short to many drug addictions with smugglers//
.. among others, she became known as a popular customer,
the block was smuttin’ her, to find out the whole city was fucking her//
.. her name was veronica, to the world,
rest in peace to a young, fly, beautiful girlv

/\ that whole section was fire, not very poetic or noteworthy but it did its job at closing this chapter.

V/ CORLEONE

03-30-2022, 08:30 PM	#6
Eviction Detained Join Date: Oct 2020 Posts: 1,838 Battle Record: 16-11 Rep Power: 0	Candy I liked how you started off alliteration was cool in the beginning found by the pond of slugs was a dope metaphore, I get the feeling that this is unfinished because it seems like you have incomplete ideas and lines that should have been elaborated more clearly, what stuck out to me as the highlight of your drop was your metaphors, I highlighted below in quotes by what I mean by incomplete ideas, I sometimes prefered the first line over the second. Corleone I thought I remembered you as a troll, and I peeped a few of your shit before and it was trash so this is beyond what I expected from you, I liked how you opened this up, and how I can instantly expect a story driven piece, it took a dark turn straight out of the gate which makes me want more of a back story leading up to this, but maybe next time save topics like this for longer pieces so you can get more of your story out, despite this making my mind wonder this was more than what I expected from you and a pretty decent drop, also I am only going to say this once, stop with the extra periods and dashes at the end of bars and all that extra shit I almost wanted to vote against you because of that alone. Favorites from candy Entry and exit wounds found by the pond of slugs Stakes made by mistake stab and gush the air Beyond cement blocks and past the graves tone Favorites from corleone she was exclusive.. a true dime piece to us hustlers, who later fell short to many drug addictions with smugglers// .. among others, she became known as a popular customer, the block was smuttin’ her, to find out the whole city was fucking her// .. her name was veronica, to the world, rest in peace to a young, fly, beautiful girlv /\ that whole section was fire, not very poetic or noteworthy but it did its job at closing this chapter. V/ CORLEONE