DL round 1 (Objective vs Candy)- Objective Wins

Universe · 08-19-2021, 08:05 PM

First of all, I don't like how the topic pictures aren't the same size. This is a subtle advantage for Cereal, believe it or not. You'd be surprised how people's minds work... Also, the level of difference of detail between both pictures is staggering. I've seen Objective's topic before in terms of similar ones like it. It's nothing special. Cereal's is unique and literally dripping with possibilites... I don't like what I'm seeing from the get go...* Anyway, before I got started I just wanted to point that out.

Cereal:

This is pretty good my man. A clever take switching between the 'letters' and the narrator changes. A strong message with some nicely crafted lines... for you. This, again, raises concerns for me... I think you handpicked this topic out and got a headstart... I'm just calling it like I see it. You can tell me to fuck off if you want if I'm wrong... Don't think I am though.

Whether that's true or not, I did enjoy this. Your regular occurring problem of being unable to properly form a coherent sentence for more than two lines still persists however... This is literally littered in enough grammatical headaches to make ones head spin... yet, when you DID connect, you connected impressively - making me nod my head with surprise. You have a good mind for this, you just have to focus on being more fluid and understandable. Also, work on your set up lines... they don't always have to be the obvious choice, which when reading them marks them as clear set up lines... They can actually help with the story. Use them, they shouldn't be throwaways.

Highlights:

"whites so pearl the ivory of shade shivers by the lipstick
and thats where it starts..
one kiss at a time found twisted.."

- Coherent!

"like gods in an ungoverned tale of two
Proud of your negligence of our rights through and through
When we are your neighbours, your saviours and knew of news..
this is garbage of what a story is.."

- I enjoyed this part. No real misses here.

You put a lot of effort into this piece and it shows... but some red flags are raised for me here. Still, this was one of the stronger pieces I've seen from you. Well done.

Objective:

I wasn't digging the beginning of this to be honest. Kind of felt basic to me my dude... But once you reached "Thus... if he slips" it really picked up. Here's where your imagery starts to take shape - your message to the reader. Your momentum. You're a momentum writer, once you get it, you have it and rarely let go. The second and third stanza's really hooked me. Loved the descriptions of the tight rope and of the city below,.the crowds, the fall from grace etc.

I love how you marked the halfway point too... Like he's halfway across the rope and you're halfway done your verse. Loved that. You're living it. You're right there with him and taking us along for the ride.

The ending was a punch in the gut - the "dead inside for the world to see" line really hit home for me. That whole concept is fucking brilliant.

Highlights:

"His soul is sold.
He's vacant with its distance.
And too destroyed but still discreet
(see the cautious moves of feet)
with right to left indifference"

- Solid descriptive section here. The use of brackets is something I do as well from time to time and it really accentuates what it is you're trying to describe while doing it in an almost literary whisper.

"His drive to be the guy to strive
(an attention seeking sentient being)
makes him feel adored, alive.
Do you think that he'll survive?
Place your bets and wage your wits,
it's do or die! Don't feel so bad,
he's dressed for this-"

- Same thing here. Nicely done.

"And thus his marriage started so obtuse
with a woman hooked on cruel abuse.
He stooped to "used" with broken pride,
she made it known with glee:

he's dead inside
for the world
to see"

- This may be one of my favorite closing lines I've seen in awhile.

I think Objective was at a disadvantage here but he was able to turn chicken shit into chicken salad fairly masterfully after a slow start. Cereal came strong for him but his lack of maintained coherence was a real black eye on his otherwise colorful piece.

Vote - Objective

08-19-2021, 08:05 PM	#7
Universe Everything's Connected Join Date: Nov 2017 Location: Niagara Falls, Canada Posts: 1,001 Battle Record: 19-8 Champed - Guerrilla Writing League(2x) - GWL Picture challenge(2x) - Art of Writing League Rep Power: 10178706	First of all, I don't like how the topic pictures aren't the same size. This is a subtle advantage for Cereal, believe it or not. You'd be surprised how people's minds work... Also, the level of difference of detail between both pictures is staggering. I've seen Objective's topic before in terms of similar ones like it. It's nothing special. Cereal's is unique and literally dripping with possibilites... I don't like what I'm seeing from the get go...* Anyway, before I got started I just wanted to point that out. Cereal: This is pretty good my man. A clever take switching between the 'letters' and the narrator changes. A strong message with some nicely crafted lines... for you. This, again, raises concerns for me... I think you handpicked this topic out and got a headstart... I'm just calling it like I see it. You can tell me to fuck off if you want if I'm wrong... Don't think I am though. Whether that's true or not, I did enjoy this. Your regular occurring problem of being unable to properly form a coherent sentence for more than two lines still persists however... This is literally littered in enough grammatical headaches to make ones head spin... yet, when you DID connect, you connected impressively - making me nod my head with surprise. You have a good mind for this, you just have to focus on being more fluid and understandable. Also, work on your set up lines... they don't always have to be the obvious choice, which when reading them marks them as clear set up lines... They can actually help with the story. Use them, they shouldn't be throwaways. Highlights: "whites so pearl the ivory of shade shivers by the lipstick and thats where it starts.. one kiss at a time found twisted.." - Coherent! "like gods in an ungoverned tale of two Proud of your negligence of our rights through and through When we are your neighbours, your saviours and knew of news.. this is garbage of what a story is.." - I enjoyed this part. No real misses here. You put a lot of effort into this piece and it shows... but some red flags are raised for me here. Still, this was one of the stronger pieces I've seen from you. Well done. Objective: I wasn't digging the beginning of this to be honest. Kind of felt basic to me my dude... But once you reached "Thus... if he slips" it really picked up. Here's where your imagery starts to take shape - your message to the reader. Your momentum. You're a momentum writer, once you get it, you have it and rarely let go. The second and third stanza's really hooked me. Loved the descriptions of the tight rope and of the city below,.the crowds, the fall from grace etc. I love how you marked the halfway point too... Like he's halfway across the rope and you're halfway done your verse. Loved that. You're living it. You're right there with him and taking us along for the ride. The ending was a punch in the gut - the "dead inside for the world to see" line really hit home for me. That whole concept is fucking brilliant. Highlights: "His soul is sold. He's vacant with its distance. And too destroyed but still discreet (see the cautious moves of feet) with right to left indifference" - Solid descriptive section here. The use of brackets is something I do as well from time to time and it really accentuates what it is you're trying to describe while doing it in an almost literary whisper. "His drive to be the guy to strive (an attention seeking sentient being) makes him feel adored, alive. Do you think that he'll survive? Place your bets and wage your wits, it's do or die! Don't feel so bad, he's dressed for this-" - Same thing here. Nicely done. "And thus his marriage started so obtuse with a woman hooked on cruel abuse. He stooped to "used" with broken pride, she made it known with glee: he's dead inside for the world to see" - This may be one of my favorite closing lines I've seen in awhile. I think Objective was at a disadvantage here but he was able to turn chicken shit into chicken salad fairly masterfully after a slow start. Cereal came strong for him but his lack of maintained coherence was a real black eye on his otherwise colorful piece. Vote - Objective __________________ ..Passed the Present and Future..