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#4 |
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Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 3,868
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Short and sweet like your pieces often are. Definitely enjoyed reading this!
My only critique that I can see would be the opener. Instead of "they can claim", why not "until they claim"? To me that'd follow the rhythmic pattern a bit better + be a bit more poignant and to the point. At least to me this reads better and hits harder with no vague points as to what the tame would do: To say the least, the tame pray to beasts Save their speech until they claim a feast That said tho, enjoyed this a lot, dope write up
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I'm not a slave for entertainment, I'm entertainments personal slave,
So deep into writing I'm concerned bout the text on my grave. www.youtube.com/watch?v=gV8ozGcGJ6o |
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