Breathe Purple while quoting Steve Urkel

corleone · 07-25-2021, 06:52 AM

doooooopppeeee...

Objective · 08-03-2021, 12:13 PM

Short and sweet like your pieces often are. Definitely enjoyed reading this!

My only critique that I can see would be the opener. Instead of "they can claim", why not "until they claim"? To me that'd follow the rhythmic pattern a bit better + be a bit more poignant and to the point. At least to me this reads better and hits harder with no vague points as to what the tame would do:

To say the least, the tame pray to beasts
Save their speech until they claim a feast

That said tho, enjoyed this a lot, dope write up

08-03-2021, 12:13 PM	#2
Objective ( ͡º ͜ʖ ͡º) Join Date: Jan 2013 Posts: 3,868 Battle Record: 17-32 Rep Power: 52474192	Short and sweet like your pieces often are. Definitely enjoyed reading this! My only critique that I can see would be the opener. Instead of "they can claim", why not "until they claim"? To me that'd follow the rhythmic pattern a bit better + be a bit more poignant and to the point. At least to me this reads better and hits harder with no vague points as to what the tame would do: To say the least, the tame pray to beasts Save their speech until they claim a feast That said tho, enjoyed this a lot, dope write up __________________ I'm not a slave for entertainment, I'm entertainments personal slave, So deep into writing I'm concerned bout the text on my grave. www.youtube.com/watch?v=gV8ozGcGJ6o

07-25-2021, 06:52 AM	#1
corleone Shakespearian Dialect Join Date: Mar 2020 Location: Brooklyn, NY --> Allentown, PA Posts: 1,022 Battle Record: 0-3 Rep Power: 0	doooooopppeeee...