NBL XV MAG: LET. US. FUCK.

[UPN Zuch]

NBL MAG

Welcome to the NBL!! My name is Zuch and I will be taking you on this ride, start to finish. Couple things real quick. The algorithm for rankings is still a work in process. Wins/losses is obviously the meat and potatoes, but you will get slight boosts for voting and consistently showing up. Will have it done in the next couple days. We have SEVERAL old school legends in the league this time around. Everyone from Fracture to Hush. Allen Knight to Corleone. This is gonna be interesting with the styles and names that are involved. I will be doing these mags on my own. The fact my wife is letting me do this is crazy, but I’ll do anything to avoid changing a diaper. This is the first mag, so there’s no top punches or battle reviews, therefore, this will be shorter. Make no mistake that future mags will be HEARTY.


This week we have 18 battlers partaking, however, if we get more signups over the next day or so I will be adding battles. That’s why the due date on verses isn’t until Tuesday.

So let’s go ahead and get started.


Battler Profiles

Fracture- Last minute addition. One of my best friends, and a guy who personifies the word legend. Fracture was a huge factor to the introduction of personals in text battles. This man is RUDE. He is known as a UPN head, and for years was almost unbeatable there. He had a 19-0 RBL run during its heyday. A record that will stand the test of time. Fracture told me he’s hungry and is ready to prove why he’s considered one of the greatest of all-time.

Username - One word to describe this man: Sexy. Username is comedy, and if you’ve known him as long as I have, you would know that he does not hold back his creativity. One of the funniest still doing it, laughs will roll when this Brad Pitt clone puts the pen to paper. He is out to prove that his battle record does not define him. He’s one of the best to do it and all you need to do is see his verses to agree. I expect him to be at the top of the rankings come playoff time.

Blue Bayou - The Canadian Johnny Manziel (college version). Toronto’s Tim Allen (he’s got tools). Ontario’s Osh Kosh B’gosh. (Idk) Netcee’s golden boy himself, Blue Bayou champs shit. Not much explanation is needed here. Blue is one of the most clever writers on the internet. Lately he has been doing a lot of wordplay which is completely fucking gay, but when you can write 100 bars in one hour, you’re bound to do some retarded word flips. If Blue stays all season, he will without a doubt be the champ at SOME point. Looking forward to this guy writing on a weekly basis.

Dave- my favorite guy. Dave is a UPN head who didn’t really battle much. He was a cool guy in the discussion forum and well respected. Don’t get it twisted, though. This guy can write. He champed the Show n’ Prove tourney, and was runner up in Pic League. He only lost twice, and had consistent heat. Dave will show every week, will win most of his battles, and be a contender for the championship. He’s got his hands full with Aero week 1. Can’t wait.

Allen Knight - Netcee HOFer. I don’t know much about him. Obviously this guy is dope as fuck. He’s champed everything at least once. Somebody told me he has skinny legs. Join the club, bro. I’m hoping he shows, since he seems to have a habit of ghosting shit. If he writes a verse this week it will for sure have a couple fire sticks, which I’m looking forward too since I haven’t seen much from him, personally.

Ryno - I e never met Ryno, but he lives like literally three blocks away. That’s not an exaggeration. This Mount Clemens resident has not battled since SC, but it’s like riding a bike. He has clever concepts and words them pretty well. He’s consistent and has victories over several notable names. This is a guy I’m rooting for, especially with his local ties.

Spree - Spree is a long-time Netcee’s regular. Good writer with a high ceiling. It’s gonna be nice to see my guy battling outside of pic league, because that’s where I’ve seen most of his writing. He is witty with a good eye for wording. Will be tough for him against the top talent here but he can hang with anyone.I could see him giving the top tier some trouble throughout the season. He is no pushover.

Aero - The GOAT. No intro needed. He’s the greatest writer of this generation. If you see a top 30 list, he’s the first name on it. Granted, he probably wrote that top 30 list, but that neither here nor there. His comedy is top notch and he will troll you when you least expect it. He’s got Dave this week so it will be a style clash that I am looking forward too.

INF - Glad you’re back, big dog. INF had a really wtf verse in his last NBL ousting, but he has champed things before, including a tag team run with Blue. When he’s on, he’s on. When he’s off, you’ll know. You can’t ale INF lightly because when he’s motivated there are not many better. His bars can be complex, and require you to think. This sometimes works against him, but it’s obvious there’s a good head on his shoulders.

Wanderer - they call him Wanderer because he seems to drift between sexes. Word to Orc. Wanderer is a consistent battler. He votes, he critiques, he writes a fire stick bar here and there as well. He has not reached his potential yet due to inconsistency, but all it might take is an NBL run to get him cooking. If this guy can get his wording down he will be a dangerous force. I’m excited to see some elevation this time around from him.

Hush - Another legend. Hush doesn’t give a fuck he will fucking ether you if you try to step. The local el Chapo can write bars while tending to his “garden” and make you cry at the same time. If you run into him during the season you better bring your A game. This guy has beaten almost everyone you can think of. Excited to see what he brings for Week 1.

Cred - I don’t know much about Cred. But I’ve only been here a few months. He is apparently the gun bar king, which is a style widely respected here. Hey, I would rather see gun bars than wack wordplay so do you big homie. His week 1 verse will be one to keep my eye on. Looking forward to seeing what he’s got. Definitely a threat.

Adverse - What a nice guy. Probably the most versatile writer in the league. He can do topicals, then turn around and roast your pic. He was decent in pic league, which is tough for a lot of people. He participates and does his duty as a textcee and is widely respected. He’s got a tough week 1 so he’s gonna have to bring it out the gate.

TOP iLL DRAGSTER - This faggot supposedly retired but here he is again. Can’t stand this dude personally but some people think he’s funny. Gonna be interesting if he can hang in this league. He was good in pic league but now he’s going to be battling without a pic to roast so this should be fun. Look out for this fat ginger teen.

Mac - The Mac will spit. The most handsome in the league. Great hair part, washboard abs. Accent that will make you NUT. This Venezuelan persuasion will literally hit you with a dope bar that he wrote while getting head from your girl. Mac needs to work on his wording and basic understanding of the English language. Once he gets that down, watch out.

Corleone - let’s just list his resumé

Wu Tang affiliate
Member of Slum Village
Jay-Z was his babysitter
Represented himself at trial and beat the case at 7 years old
Has his own shoe line
Invented rap
Golden glove boxer
Pedophile
Really ugly
20,000 wins and 0 losses in his career
Grandma has been fucked by 50,000 men
Grandma’s corpse has been fucked by over 300 men
Beat Canibus
Leader of a crime ring at the age of 8

The list goes on. Absolute FORCE. He will battle you anywhere except a Chuck E Cheese. He’s banned from those.

Sharp - Supermod himself. He’s ready to dust the keyboard off and get to writing. This guy has one of my favorite styles. It’s UPN friendly. Good wording and humor. If he sticks around long enough he will find himself towards the top of the rankings. Excited to see his bars this time around. All-around great guy.

Destroyer - one of my besties. Late addition. This guy can put some of the most clever verses together. He’s got Frac week 1 so this will be interesting. When he’s on his game he’s one of the best doing it.


NBL FLASHBACK

Cashius verse against Destroyer. NBL IX Championship



Complaining about deadlines is bitch shit, fag...you prolly hoped Cash wasn't gon' drop
Haven't seen so much drama over a Cut Off Point since James Franco got trapped under that rock
He just does it for easy wins...Dude is shook w/ them broad tactics
Maybe if you weren't so obsessed with denying extensions you wouldn't look like a bald faggot
And I got that bare dome in my scope...The shine off that shit might break my lens
If YOU looking at heads with cross hairs...it's cause you're wishing you could have braids like them
Sending your whack shit for ya boy to read ain't gonna help...trust me, Dummy
Can't blame you...
If I were you I'd want Bags to go over my verse too...cause that shit is Fucking Ugly
I thought he was actually gonna need an extension...YOOOO, I was ready to FLIP!
I mean...when you said you "sent 20" I just assumed it was so that Tony could edit the shit
You climbing that corporate ladder in phone retail?! Lol this dude here's ALL whack
Only kind of Promotion you can ever get is a free phone when you sign a two year contract
You go ahead and raise fists...I got K's, bitch. And all of'em large, man
That Pound to ya Chest make you put them knuckles DOWN....'til you walking like Tarzan
You've had a mediocre record for YEARS, faggot...that shit is getting old
Even if voters DIDN'T pass on one or two solid lines...you'll STILL just be Middle of the Road
All you do is cry about votes and extensions...I'm sorry, it's just true facts
You got being a Bitch Locked DOWN!...you could play a part in Orange is the New Black
I go on shopping sprees, Fam...Charge it! The platinum's huge w/ the balance
This broke bitch wouldn't pull the Black Card to Cop if he were that shooter in Dallas



Power Rankings

1. Blue Bayou

2. Hush

3. UserName

4. Fracture

5. Aero

6. Allen Knight

7. Dave


These Week 1 Power Rankings are based on my knowledge and previous success from each guy. If you think they are wrong they probably are. I don’t know everything. Thanks.


Battle Previews

Blue Bayou vs Adverse

Blue is a pillar of consistency. Been a minute for him but he’s still a heavy favorite as Adverse will try to find his stride. In for a good one here.

Blue Bayou -800

Fracture vs Destroyer

This one is interesting. Des has been staying warm in pic league. Fracture has battled in quite a while. Both these guys are hungry to prove their worth. Obviously Frac is a legend but rust may be a factor. Still the favorite here.

Fracture -250

Spree vs Wanderer

Two guys trying to get out of the middle tier. Definitely can write, though. Wanderer has a higher ceiling buy Spree is the more consistent battler in my opinion. This comes down to what Wanderer we get this week.

Spree -120

TOP iLL DRAGSTER vs Allen Knight

This is interesting. Allen Knight is a text pillar who can bring it every week. TOP is dope but sometimes he keys his shit and underwhelms. Either way, Allen Knight should have enough fire power to keep this fat ass at bay.

Allen Knight -300

Mac vs Cred

Lots of gun bars here. Mac has some dope concepts and Cred is the seasoned vet. I could see Mac swinging an upset here. But if I’m a betting man, I’m going with the guy who has done it longer, and has championships to prove it.

Cred -400

UserName vs INF

There’s no question UserName is hungry.... for a W. This guy can beat anyone anywhere. This week he gets INF. INF is a wildcard lately but we all know he has dope ideas. Sometimes they get complicated. Gonna need to word them this week against a heavyweight in User.

UserName -310

Sharp vs Corleone

Two rivals squaring off. Idk how Sharp is going to compete against a guy who has never lost. Guess we’d will see. Love Sharp’s witty style. Corleone has his hands full as these guys FINALLY get an official battle. Excited for this.

Sharp -10,000

Hush vs Ryno

Both these guys juggernauts. Hush wins consistently and is hella rude. Ryno is creative and relies on his wit. I love both of these guys and can’t wait to see what happens. Hush is the favorite based on his track record, but Ryno is known to turn heads.

Hush -280

Aero vs Dave

The GOAT vs everyone’s favorite guy. Aero tops his own all-time list. He’s creative and funny as all hell. Dave is finally finding his stride as an absolute force. He’s the most improved on the site over the last 5 months, and is in for a good battle with Aero.

LINE EVEN


Season predictions

This is based on polling 100 random people


Will Barcotic sign in?

100% yes
0% no

Will Blue Bayou champ this league at some point in the season?

55% yes
45% no

Will TOP iLL DRAGSTER make the playoffs?

69% yes
69% no

Who will be the league surprise?

39% Dave
29% Wanderer
18% Sharp

Will Fracture be able to make a deep playoff run after being off for so long?

61% yes
20% no
19% undecided

Can UserName finally get hot long enough to wreck this league?

85% yes
15% no


Who are you most looking forward to seeing battle this season?

18% Fracture
14% Blue
14% User
13% Allen Knight

Can Barcotic make the playoffs without battling week 1?

50% yes
50% no

Who is the sexiest guy in this league?

100% Mac


OUTRO


That’s all we got for the mag this week folks. Once things get rolling, this thing will be jam packed. Thanks to everyone that is participating this season, and I hope you enjoyed the read. Again, rankings algorithm is under-construction and will be figured out shortly. Do your best to vote and show up on time. If you can do this, we will have the best season NBL has ever had. If you guys have any questions or concerns, or have any recommendations you can PM me and I’ll be happy to listen. This is everyone’s league and want it to work in the best interest of those participating. Thanks guys.


Out.