Artifice(3-2) vs Symetirk(1-1) - Sym WINS

[Inno]

GUERRILLA WRITING LEAGUE

@Artifice @symetirk

Max line: 30

Min: 10

Check in: 48 hours after thread post

DUE DATE: JULY 5th @ 11:59PM EST



GOOD LUCK

[symetrik]

swear on some dyslexic nonsense, check

[Artifice]

check

[symetrik]

@Artifice you down for an 24h ext?

[Artifice]

yeah, haven't even started tbh, gonna try to get something done tonight but realistically will prob post sometime tomorrow during the day.

[Artifice]

dress shoes, no polish..... laces have frayed
my breath reeks from the alcohol i've tasted for days
been shut in, my darkness needs escape from the rays
but today's the day we gather in a place to be brave
all black, dressed in my feelings suppressed barely
you're being buried in the same place we were just married
your casket carried by so-called family & friends
thinking of how we agreed we couldn't stand to be with them
and now on the day they think I need them the most
I wish you were here & they were all the ones being ghosts
tears hit cheeks, i see your uncles eyes all welt
a reminder of the times they hit your backside w/ a belt
living conditions trapped you, couldn't escape the abuse
even still the devil in them only brought out the angel in you
your flame burned too fast, now just ashes & dust
you were my rock... ironic that now without you i'm crushed
talking to myself on things we'll never get to speak
your life was full of violence...
so at the very least, i hope that now you rest in peace

[symetrik]

she has...
a girl-in-the-back-row-of-class-like crater face, scars of a fight that she's long lost.
her hung head rose, pawed the partition,
chose five bills, then hopped out the cab at the wrong stop.

across the cross-walk...
Tom gawked, his suicide note long forgotten, eyes on the great rock that hovered thirteen feet above her.
his thoughts paused, shocked as he watched the collision
and wished that he was quick enough to jump up and intervene, be it to save her or shove her...

from harm's way.

he gathered what courage he could while she watched with closed eyes,
and into the road Tom goes, hands held high 'til the cars braked.
even traffic stopped breathing while he knelt by her side,
and tried to revive 'til his arms ached.

just paid,
Frank the deaf baker tucked away the hundred bucks cash that he always withdrew.
turned the corner to the scene of a crash, and watched mute,
a frantically jerking and jolting hovering rock shuddered and grew,
then sunk down four feet and teetered in mid-air above a knelt and oblivious dude.

Frank's frankly confused,
the crew of the space ship Cornelius-2 chuckled and coo'd, their ship's camoflauge momentarily wavered and brought them in view.
Frank fainted.
Zood spoke: "We come closer each day to this idiom's truth, and surely in weeks we'll have got'em!"
Krum hummed: "Oh, what wonderful news! Supreme rule will be surely enthused!"
For this alien race often had pondered what it meant when we said we were "hitting rock bottom".

[symetrik]

- double post my bad -

[Adverse]

Hey guys good morning, I had fun reading this battle but I may need to reread, it's pretty close.

Art - I thought your verse was decent but it was also kind of bland if you know what I mean? There wasn't really a great deal of adjectives or imagery, it didn't really feel inspired the topic itself was kind of run of the mill but I enjoyed it, I just felt like more could have been done to enhance your ideas and expand on what you had but I was a fan of how smoothly this read. Rhyme schemes were on point

Sym - actually when I read this verse and how it ended it promoted my mind to reread everything I thought it was kind of out of left field but upon further inspection I actually liked it and found it cool. I loved the way you described things, from the way our hit and run victim looked to the deaf Baker and Tom really loved the "Tom gawked his suicide note long forgotten" phrase it was dope, my only complaint was we could have used some more character exposition Tom and Frank were interesting characters and I'm sure they had their own issues would have been cool to further expand on their own shit and give our alien visitors more research as well.

You know I think Sym stole the show this week I'm a fan of Artifice's writing but this was a very dry verse this week and I didn't find it very engaging, Sym had some weak points but I think he overall told a more compelling narrative. Good work to both

V/Sym

[Universe]

Artifice:

Short and sweet. This piece had some definite highs and lows. Your take on the topic was cool but fairly straightforward. I enjoyed some of the effortless bars you had on display here - but that unfortunately made the forced ones stick out like a sore thumb. I think maybe some different wording here and there would've helped, and with a piece this short, everything has to be fine tuned to a razor's edge...

Highlights:

"dress shoes, no polish..... laces have frayed
my breath reeks from the alcohol i've tasted for days"

- good opener.

"living conditions trapped you, couldn't escape the abuse
even still the devil in them only brought out the angel in you
your flame burned too fast, now just ashes & dust
you were my rock... ironic that now without you i'm crushed"

- Solid. I think if your whole piece was like this it would've been much better.

Artifice, this is a good take man, don't get me wrong. Just the lines I didn't highlight were kind of awkwardly worded and they just didn't have the impact of the bars above. I felt this piece was missing a bit of heart. Like the concept should've felt tragic and sad, but it just felt... robotic to me, for the most part.


symetrik:

Cool story. I liked the twist, and as Adverse sald, it made me immediately read it again. I think technically this was sort of a mess though. Long ass bars with an awkward flow - quite frankly it was a strain to read. But once grasped, the story was unique and just captured my imagination. This was like a twilight zone episode in rhyme form. I won't do a highlight section because technically there was none lol... the story was the highlight here.

This was a battle of technical prowess versus story. A robot who is technically sound vs. an awkward human with heart lol. Such an interesting clash. I've always preached story over technical prowess, and to go against that now would make me a hypocrite. I told symetrik to bring the heart last week and he did. I love Artifice, and if he brought more emotion to his piece he would've taken this down. But... (and this is super close...)

Vote - symetrik

Thanks guys.

[Johnny 6 feet]

Artifice- Solid emotional piece, you did a lot with a short amount of bars and helped the flow along with a compound rhyme scheme, although a few lines seemed forced here and there. You gave flashes of insight into the life the woman being buried had lived and descriptive stuff with the state of mind of the narrator which were strong. I would've liked more details but what was there was good. The bar referencing the picture was probably the stand out one of the piece. Short, solid piece.

symetrik- You a fan of douglas adams? This is the kind fo story he'd write. Crazily creative peppered with short insight into the cast of characters of this weird occurrence. An almost Looney Tunes punchline at the end gets a thumbs up from me. You need to get those bars more evened out for the sake of easier reading. Rhyme scheme was solid enough. Vocab fit the description well. Good job.

As Adverse and Universe said this was a more technical piece vs a more creative one. You guys know I like my creativity.

Vote- symetrik, one of the most interesting battles of the league thus far.

[Master Rock]

This was an interesting take on the subject matter from both. Artifice your take was straight forward and an easy ride. The opener was a little too predictable, I saw that coming. Then you hit with the marriage part and I was left pondering, I didn't see that coming. It began to seem very personal as though it may be true, the flow was tight but not much stood out except, "you were my rock... ironic that now without you i'm crushed" dope line, that hit. I thought this was the nail in the coffin for sym.
But as for Sym's verse, I had to read it twice because it wasn't coming through. The rhyme scheme was staggered in a way I wasn't expecting and didn't catch it until the second read. The opener was not my taste and made me drag my feet to read. But the sudden unexpected twist with other characters involved in this third-person narrative drove this story and I began to catch the rhyme scheme along with it. The alien twist was different as well, the verse seemed a little unpolished at the end.
I feel that in Art would of spend a little more time on mind-state on the main character and the relationship he had with the decease, he could have easily got this one. But Sym's out of this world joy ride to the unknown takes it. Therefore I am giving it to Sym.