Inno(5-4) vs Adverse(7-4) - Ad WINS

Universe · 07-07-2020, 09:34 AM

Adverse:

Touching little piece here about a son's eternal love and respect for his father. I think every son with a good father feels this way, or did at one point - and the event that triggered these feelings (cancer) sort of made a child out of a grown man. Looming death can do that. I enjoyed the message here. Couple downsides would be the line length at points, but you're used to hearing this and I feel, being the last week and all, you kind of said screw it, I'm doing this my way. The strength in this verse lies within the message, and technically, it's in the middle where things really shine...

Highlights:

"Maybe I should've read between the physical lines that the author depicts
Should've dug deeper into the holes in the drywall you carved with your fists
Mom was chasing a high, but you forced a toxic relationship and stayed just for us
I can't even begin to tell you how amazing that was."

- these bars here basically summed up the whole piece - and were beautifully crafted.

"I'm staring in the mirror at a broken man, misty eyed and twenty five
Wishing he was half of, no wishing he was a FRACTION of that guy
If I could I'd give my life twice to repay your sacrifice
I'd happily abide, but it seems like I'm only taking backwards strides"

- This was heavy.

"Not a dollar in my pocket, and not an alternate way to pay my debt
There's no excuse for it, no apology good enough, better off to save my breath"

Some great sections for sure. Unfortunately, for me, the beginning and ending were the low points, on the technical side of things. Rhyming "cold" with "bulb" is a stretch - and the final line was nice but wayyyy too chunky. Sort of killed it's momentum just before it ended.

But overall, this is a nice capper to the season for you my friend. It came straight from the heart... Allthough I find myself wishing you saved your Pic Challenge concept for this spot here...

Inno:

This was a cool piece seeing how I know you have some personal stuff going on - so thanks for dropping something as touching as this. The thing I liked about this verse, and about last weeks verse from you, is simplicity. You have done away with all your crazy rhyme schemes and just went in and spoke from the heart. There's a pureness here that's hard to put my finger on - but I like it. This piece describes what it's like to be sort of in a purgatory state of a dream - the blurred lines between sleep and reality. There were parts that were a little TOO simple though, and multi's were lacking here and there. Still, some great Inno'ish lines can be found as always ...

Highlights:

"Shifting floor boards spewing Wood chips
Black holes for windows, the night consumes as the sun dips"

- Great imagery - especially shifting floorboards.

"Shooting for the moon but I only caught a couple stars
A pit stop on my way to mars..."

- Loved this.

Wasn't a huge fan of the abrupt ending though... But overall, I enjoyed it.

I think Adverse put more effort into his piece and it showed, so he's getting the nod from me. But I enjoyed this read and both your takes on this cool topic. Enjoy the time off fella's, you both deserve it.

Vote - Adverse

07-07-2020, 09:34 AM	#7
Universe Everything's Connected Join Date: Nov 2017 Location: Niagara Falls, Canada Posts: 1,001 Battle Record: 19-8 Champed - Guerrilla Writing League(2x) - GWL Picture challenge(2x) - Art of Writing League Rep Power: 10178706	Adverse: Touching little piece here about a son's eternal love and respect for his father. I think every son with a good father feels this way, or did at one point - and the event that triggered these feelings (cancer) sort of made a child out of a grown man. Looming death can do that. I enjoyed the message here. Couple downsides would be the line length at points, but you're used to hearing this and I feel, being the last week and all, you kind of said screw it, I'm doing this my way. The strength in this verse lies within the message, and technically, it's in the middle where things really shine... Highlights: "Maybe I should've read between the physical lines that the author depicts Should've dug deeper into the holes in the drywall you carved with your fists Mom was chasing a high, but you forced a toxic relationship and stayed just for us I can't even begin to tell you how amazing that was." - these bars here basically summed up the whole piece - and were beautifully crafted. "I'm staring in the mirror at a broken man, misty eyed and twenty five Wishing he was half of, no wishing he was a FRACTION of that guy If I could I'd give my life twice to repay your sacrifice I'd happily abide, but it seems like I'm only taking backwards strides" - This was heavy. "Not a dollar in my pocket, and not an alternate way to pay my debt There's no excuse for it, no apology good enough, better off to save my breath" Some great sections for sure. Unfortunately, for me, the beginning and ending were the low points, on the technical side of things. Rhyming "cold" with "bulb" is a stretch - and the final line was nice but wayyyy too chunky. Sort of killed it's momentum just before it ended. But overall, this is a nice capper to the season for you my friend. It came straight from the heart... Allthough I find myself wishing you saved your Pic Challenge concept for this spot here... Inno: This was a cool piece seeing how I know you have some personal stuff going on - so thanks for dropping something as touching as this. The thing I liked about this verse, and about last weeks verse from you, is simplicity. You have done away with all your crazy rhyme schemes and just went in and spoke from the heart. There's a pureness here that's hard to put my finger on - but I like it. This piece describes what it's like to be sort of in a purgatory state of a dream - the blurred lines between sleep and reality. There were parts that were a little TOO simple though, and multi's were lacking here and there. Still, some great Inno'ish lines can be found as always ... Highlights: "Shifting floor boards spewing Wood chips Black holes for windows, the night consumes as the sun dips" - Great imagery - especially shifting floorboards. "Shooting for the moon but I only caught a couple stars A pit stop on my way to mars..." - Loved this. Wasn't a huge fan of the abrupt ending though... But overall, I enjoyed it. I think Adverse put more effort into his piece and it showed, so he's getting the nod from me. But I enjoyed this read and both your takes on this cool topic. Enjoy the time off fella's, you both deserve it. Vote - Adverse __________________ ..Passed the Present and Future..