CHAMP MATCH: Adverse (7-3) vs Universe (6-2) - UNI WINS

Inno · 06-20-2020, 09:18 PM

GUERRILLA WRITING LEAGUE

@Universe @Adverse

Max line: 50

Min: 10

Check in: 48 hours after thread post

DUE DATE: JUNE 24TH @ 11:59PM EST

Topic:

"“There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you.” - Maya Angelou

GOOD LUCK

Adverse · 06-20-2020, 09:58 PM

Word

Check good luck Uni

Universe · 06-21-2020, 09:04 AM

Check. Good luck to you too sir.

Expect a PM in the next couple days requesting the inevitable line limit extension lol.

Universe · 06-23-2020, 06:51 PM

Windbreaker: Second Draft

*100 line max, as agreed upon.

Previously...

http://www.netcees.org/showthread.php?t=143514

"There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you." - Maya Angelou

......

FADE IN:

EXT. SKY - DAY

What is hidden will always be found, I listen to the wind as it howls
Flying free, Superman beside me as I whip through the clouds
Father is proud, I was once the most depressed stunt guy around
I could deny everything in the world... yet couldn't deny myself
Suddenly screams and cries broke out, it caused some quick reflections
We got our bearings, chose our paths, and flew in opposite directions...

INT. PENTHOUSE - NIGHT

Alex sat at his computer bench, intense and perched like a primal owl
Lex Luthor slammed his hand down, "Do it" he said, "your time is now"
Fingers primed, the plan was a stroke of genius, simple and cunning
Alex studied the screen, then changed the world with the click of a button...

EXT. SKY - DAY

The scream for help is louder now, I peer down toward it
I was near my destination when the green clouds start to roll in
It's like they were controlled... A flash exploded, fogging up my eyes
I instantly coughed and gasped, saw black, then dropped out of the sky...

INT. LEX CORP. BASEMENT - TIME UNDETERMINED

I awoke chained to a chair, it felt tight, would be no use fighting
I'm feeling weak and tiny, a mass of kryptonite glowing green beside me
It's blinding. Alex snapped his fingers, "Still a bit cloudy up there, Jonathan?"
"It's time to see the light... Once you do you'll never be lost again"
Lex Luthor stalked around, "For decades Superman gave me grief, kid"
"Turning a son against a father... It may be the only way to defeat him"
A question remained; I was in flight, how did you bring me down?
Alex smiled, "You must know by now we used kryptonite clouds"
Lex Luthor left the room quite proud, I felt the power pushed from my mind
I shook while confined, Alex said, "It's called cloud seeding, look it up sometime"
"People think your father is Heaven's angel, without testing his faith..."
I struggled against my restraints but there was nothing left of my strength
I failed to save those that needed help, somehow I feel no remorse
"What's the worst pain in the world?" Alex asked, "Other than what you're feeling, of course..."
I retort by trying to break the chair that could barely be budged
"The answer is having to keep your story inside, never sharing it once"
"Know what that does to someone? You can't try to stop or postpone"
"To remain anonymous and unknown is to never find a God or a home"
"Succession is a natural progression of life, I'm just making it known"
"The young will finally step up and take their rightful place on the throne."
"Out with the old, in with the new... We can show 'em how it's done"
"I love dad to the moon and back, but he had his moment in the sun"
"The day has come to make a name for ourselves... We shouldn't delay"
"It's time for OUR stories to be finally told, wouldn't you say?"
I flashback to a burning building, it's like father planned it this way
I saved the girl, but everyone in the crowd was chanting his name...
"Super Man!" "Super Man!" ... It haunted every dream
"What about you?" Alex asked...Yeah, I thought...

What about me....

DISSOLVE TO:

EXT. SKY - DAY

A look of worry crossed Superman's face, he was too stunned to say it
But there was a hole in his cape as he raced toward his son's location
Rain from green clouds turned to vapor, this is how you drown in smoke
A sound of choking; Then the Man of Steel plummeted to the ground below...

EXT. HIGHWAY - DAY

The vehicles were gridlocked for hours after what fell from above
A crater in the asphalt erupts, people in shock yell and just run
My father was in defense mode instead of his usual form of a weapon
I swooped in and attacked - wearing a custom plated suit for protection
On closer inspection he's weaker than I thought, he aged to my surprise
I freeze him in place with my breath, burning him with lasers from my eyes
Father screamed in pain, as if realizing his upcoming demise
I grabbed him and threw him through a semi truck - He came out the other side
Fight back, old man! You won't take the easy way out this time!
Through gritted teeth he said "...No." I shouted and dragged him through the sky
I pummelled his face into highway signs, simple and clean
It must've been instinct but he reacted and threw me into the street
I was disoriented - I'd never been hit with such tremendous force
Father stood over me looking worried... (which allowed me to mend up of course)
Then I informed him of what I did, he initially didn't believe what I said
I told him Mom was dead... "Lois...", He fell on his knees and just wept
Opportunity crept, I leapt up and grabbed his throat in a flash
He wheezed as I laughed, his neck caved... I squeezed 'til it snapped...
I stood on father's dead corpse, admiring the pained look in his features
Humans got it wrong... The RIGHT student is always greater than the teacher
Change is constant throughout history, I can't stall in the least
When the world hears who's deceased all the idolized will fall at our feet
For the first time his jawline seemed weak, he looked human in the flesh
All I could do was grin at the end...

After all, Superman was dead.

INT. PENTHOUSE - NIGHT

Lex Luthor sat at his mahogany desk, satisfied as he folded his hands
He stared at Alex, "Seems like everything went according to plan"
Alex pulled out a gun; Lex shrugged, "Son, you don't have it in you to shoot"
"Get with program" Alex seethed, "because it's time to reboot"
"This is for every day I cried as a child, and you just stood by... See ya"
"Hate to admit you're right, dad... but a good idea's a good idea..."

*Gunshot.

EXT. ROOFTOP - NIGHT

So what's next? Alex grinned, "Now we get them all in line to fight"
"Every child of a superhero or supervillain must step into the limelight"
We stared at the bright lights of the night, the view was awfully pretty...

PAN OUT:

We leave Jonathan and Alex as they look out toward Gotham City...

CUT TO BLACK.

*sounds of a Girl humming - rapid footsteps on linoleum tile.

FADE IN:

INSERT: One Month Later

INT. ARKHAM ASYLUM - TIME UNDETERMINED

Lucy Quinzel walked down a white hall passed cages and grime
She skipped and eerily hummed a song - A bloody bat dragging behind
She tossed away a bloodstained folder that contained information she pried
From cold dead fingers; Then stopped at a door reading 'Dangerous Patient Inside'
"Harley says hi..." Lucy said, almost as a last reminder
She held up a pic of Harley Quinn's corpse - a bloody baseball bat beside her
"Mum's the word; It took persuading to find where your sentence was served"
"But the young always kill the old and stagnant ... It's called culling the herd"
Only muttering was heard for awhile, then it crawled to a ***kle (ca-ckle)
A low guttural voice, "Oh my sweet girl..." followed by laughter
The voice said, "It takes a villain to play hero, we dig deep from underneath"
"I came for your mother 20 years ago... Now it seems you've come for me..."
High pitched maniacal laughter filled the screen, "I guess I still need help..."
"How about I join the suicide squad?" Hahahahaa... "I kill myself..."
"You're the daughter from Hell..." Lucy pulled a key from her bra and dress
Unlocked the cage, put the bloody bat on her shoulder, "Knock knock..." she said
"Who's there?" Lucy held up Harley's detached head looking smug
"The answer to life is succession" she said, "it's not a question of love"
Lucy entered the dark room, we hear "Toss me the head, you little slut"
"By the way, got any make-up on you? Poppa needs to freshen up..."

*Clunk

*Sounds of a baseball bat connecting with skull and brain tissue.

PULL BACK DOWN THE WHITE HALLWAY:

Hahahaaa. ..

*Clunk

Hahahhahahahaaaa... ..

*Clunk

Haaaahahhahaaahahahaaaaaha- -

*CLUNK

*Silence.

FADE OUT.

Adverse · 06-24-2020, 03:58 AM

I've walked amongst mankind since the dawn of existence
The inception of fire, the etching of ancient hieroglyphics
I've silently smirked at your progress and watched civilizations crumble
But i am forever, i lie in anticipation underneath the rubble
I collaborated with Shakespeare on the plays he had written
Yet my name is never mentioned, I brought you the Twains and the Dickens
I've been on the road with Keuroc, told the ghastly anecdotes at every campsite
And was the at the interview under dimming lamplight, adjacent to Anne Rice
In my lifetime I’ve read a million scriptures, I've met an abundance of writers
But you were my most sacred of friends, filled my brain with inspiration and my lungs full of fire
I stood tall with you in the war, picked the shrapnel from your body when the mortars had fell
I could only shudder with anticipation for the glorious tales and stories you'd tell
I shook as the leaves did 1899, Oak Park, dancing as the breeze softly blows
I noticed your spark instantly, you lit up that suburb in the shadow of Chicago
Even as a child there was that light in your eye like the glint of the sun
You had a taste of freedom, adventure on the tip of your tongue
So honestly it was no surprise when I heard that you'd gone so far
After the war you started wordsmithing, as a journalist at the Toronto Star
What a start, but still i grit my teeth with excitement and unrest
Because I was thrilled for your accomplishments but more antsy for what you ain't done yet
So when you embarked to Paris, I felt shivers slither up my spine
With a silent, solemn nod I smirked, this is now your time

What. A. Life

The next three decades you hopped from one destination to the next
The words flowed out of you so freely, easily, it was like taking a breath
You bled on the typewriter, your pain documented as the keys were stained red
The many days of hardwork and sacrifice were impossible to forget
You broke hearts, and forged bonds that were built to last
But it wasn't long until you were drowned by the same fluid that filled your glass
Along the way you picked up a habit that was hostile to your health
And like many great men your worst enemies became the bottle, and yourself
Wonder if you saw destiny’s foreshadowing? She was writing her own masterpiece
I wonder if you ever caught glimpses of abysses from those Wyoming mountain peaks
To questioning life leaving New York by train, staring at the skyscrapers
Rushing away from the train station where you had heard your father's life was taken
Your nerves in your writing hand burning after that Montana car accident
The painful mending of the Kangaroo tendon they bounded your fracture with
1942 saw my suspicions arise when you said you were “out of business in writin”
Ten years later your descriptive devices garnered you a Pulitzer prize
But of course, fate was still writing your story, preparing a final draft
In 1954 you spent Christmas in the Congo, and endured successive plane crashes
You were broken, battered, beaten, picture next to pained in the dictionary
Media falsely reported your death, spent the next few weeks reading your obituary
I bet it was liberating…
Your addiction became all-consuming, you were sippin liq to parry
All your injuries, your ailing health, your mindstate starts slippin’
Eyesight starting to deteriorate, a cruel joke for a man with such vision
They tried electroshock therapy to ease his manicness but could never correct him..
I wish i had been there to catch the shell that went off that day in Ketchum…

Always thought fate had a twisted sense of irony, now I'm positive
His hemochromatosis broke down his mind, he took his life just like his Father did
There's parallels between you and your work, with any artist there is
You were Santiago, and your Marlin was happiness, but she was far too big
My name is Literature, and because of me, they'll remember you all too well
But through all your accolades I can only ponder on the stories that you'll never get to tell..

A Song For Mr. Hemingway

Johnny 6 feet · 06-25-2020, 02:22 PM

Universe- DC Universe, lol. You told an engaging and original story that held my attention despite the long length. Kudos. The whole thing ran seamlessly from one scene to the next and the use of script terminology to break up the scenes was a nice touch. You kept the vocab and rhyme aspects of it straightforward but not simplistic and this helped the flow of the piece along nicely. It was something to eat popcorn to. Maybe a few lines were awkwardly worded here and there but in a piece this length that a very minor niggle. Great work.

Adverse- The muse looks on. A classic topic you breathed fresh life into as inspiration gave us a history lesson. I could see the imagery you used clearly like a montage thruogh history before describing the life of Ernest Hemingway. I'm familiar with his life story (mainly thanks to this: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PUB9D78ajmI ) but I'd not seen it written in such a poetic fashion before. Your choice of vocab and use of imagery was great from the start all the way to it's sad conclusion. Some lines felt overstretched here and there but, like Universe, it was a minor niggle that didn't spoil the overall flow of the narrative.

Fuck you guys for making this so difficult! Both writers drew on established material and put their own spin on it in an original way, both had a great flow of storytelling, both had crystal clear imagery.... uhhhhhhhhh

Vote- Adverse, had the edge on vocab and did as much storywise with less lines.

Excellent battle.

symetrik · 06-27-2020, 04:38 PM

Universe - great story, held me from start to finish. I took the end with a bit of uncertainty and found myself wondering who was clunking who, rooting for the og. good use of scene transitions, helped fast forward the story at the necessary times as well. excellent connection to the topic as well imo

Adverse - awesome piece, I know next to nothing about the greats so I had to google some of the history you were writing about to figure out who it was about (coulda just read the title I suppose). I like the point of perspective and following the career.

adverse's felt like an ode to something that already happened, universe's felt like a nice piece of fiction, and fiction edges it for me. great round, great writers.

mvgt Universe

Artifice · 06-27-2020, 08:44 PM

Universe:

thoroughly enjoyed the read. pacing was on point and despite being 100 lines it didn't feel drawn out. loved the way you flipped the topic and have continued the narrative, the luthor twist half-way through caught me tbh, wasn't expecting it. solid piece, looking forward to next week.

Adverse:

Great depiction of Hemingway's life. You took on an interesting voice in the personification of literature watching the author, which was well done. The beginning of your piece reminded me of Lupe Fiasco's 'Put You On Game' which is high praise based on what I think of Lupe. Overall also solid work.

Good champ match here, two different approaches and both were executed well. I'm leaning towards Uni cuz his verse spoke to me more and it felt like a little smoother read, but reasonable voters can and will disagree.

v/ Universe

Adverse · 06-28-2020, 05:47 PM

2-1 Universe

Upping for votes!

Pharaohs Army · 06-28-2020, 09:08 PM

Sorry this vote is short but I assure you I've read these multiple times. Even though I'm not a Superman aficionado I found myself engaged in Universe's story. I thought the kryptonite clouds were a creative take for a villain tool. Regarding Hemingway, the verse was educational for me as I was not familiar with his biography so I was sure to read it again after the newness wore off. Pretty good verse this week and Adverse definitely did his research. For me I guess it comes down to subject matter,, I find the superhero story did more for me than the dead author story. Vote Universe

Scar · 06-28-2020, 10:11 PM

universe yeah this was really good. there were instances of questionable wording like "yell and just run" and "primal owl" i still dont' know what that means and "simple and clean" which i think was forced just to rhyme with "into the street". but with a verse this length, it was bound to have some kinks so no big deal honestly. i like the lesson even though its a bit morbid and very unsettling lulz but the idea of necessary progression and the tide of change stuff was well delivered and did not lose steam at all at least to me anyway. well done my man.

adverse, another awesome entry. i'm a big fan of hemingway as im sure a lot of us are since we all kind of use his style in one way or another lulz. and let me say, "own master piece/ wyoming mountain peak" was fuckin awesome! but with that said, alot of the problem with this verse was the rhyming. im find with slants and near rhyme but i think what hurts it is the syllables of the rhymes you know? its hard to explain but like this line here: breeze softly blows/ of chicago - like it was jarring. there were a few instances of that. but content-wise i love this verse. its about an author but it has this very intimate feel about it. love the old man and the sea references and i almost wish there were more instances of that.

this is a hard one. i like universe for the scope of his story. this guy always put effort and thats why he's one of my favorite writers on the site. but there's something about adverse verse that did it for me. despite the less than stellar technical merits, his story had a more personal connection to me. not sure if its cause im a fan of Hemingway or if cause i like documentaries lulz but i think i will go against popular opinion and

v/adverse.

brokenhal0 · 06-29-2020, 04:25 AM

Universe - Impressive flex as usual alot of content some parts lack the intention and power that specific bars wield things like :

''On closer inspection he's weaker than I thought, he aged to my surprise
I freeze him in place with my breath, burning him with lasers from my eyes
Father screamed in pain, as if realizing his upcoming demise ''

carrying the story while holding and changing topic pieces shows the talent you have
its like reading a script for a biblical marvel movie ..

Adverse - This was raw kinda gave me that gritty feel i like some parts seemed a lil
muted when carrying the tone of the overall idea Great opening :

''I've walked amongst mankind since the dawn of existence
The inception of fire, the etching of ancient hieroglyphics
I've silently smirked at your progress and watched civilizations crumble
But i am forever, i lie in anticipation underneath the rubble

its hard to carry that momentum for so long but for the most part you did
good shit

vote - Universe ... by the molecule of a dust mold ..

06-20-2020, 09:18 PM	#1
Inno Ad mini tator Join Date: Feb 2013 Posts: 10,005 Battle Record: 26-54 Champed - Lime Green Poetry Association - Black August - 1-2 Punch League Rep Power: 85899400	CHAMP MATCH: Adverse (7-3) vs Universe (6-2) - UNI WINS GUERRILLA WRITING LEAGUE @Universe @Adverse Max line: 50 Min: 10 Check in: 48 hours after thread post DUE DATE: JUNE 24TH @ 11:59PM EST Topic: "“There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you.” - Maya Angelou GOOD LUCK Last edited by Johnny 6 feet; 06-21-2020 at 10:21 AM.

06-21-2020, 09:04 AM	#3
Universe Everything's Connected Join Date: Nov 2017 Location: Niagara Falls, Canada Posts: 999 Battle Record: 19-8 Champed - Guerrilla Writing League(2x) - GWL Picture challenge(2x) - Art of Writing League Rep Power: 10178702	Check. Good luck to you too sir. Expect a PM in the next couple days requesting the inevitable line limit extension lol. __________________ ..Passed the Present and Future..

06-23-2020, 06:51 PM	#4
Universe Everything's Connected Join Date: Nov 2017 Location: Niagara Falls, Canada Posts: 999 Battle Record: 19-8 Champed - Guerrilla Writing League(2x) - GWL Picture challenge(2x) - Art of Writing League Rep Power: 10178702	Windbreaker: Second Draft 100 line max, as agreed upon. Previously... http://www.netcees.org/showthread.php?t=143514 "There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you." - Maya Angelou* ...... FADE IN: EXT. SKY - DAY What is hidden will always be found, I listen to the wind as it howls Flying free, Superman beside me as I whip through the clouds Father is proud, I was once the most depressed stunt guy around I could deny everything in the world... yet couldn't deny myself Suddenly screams and cries broke out, it caused some quick reflections We got our bearings, chose our paths, and flew in opposite directions... INT. PENTHOUSE - NIGHT Alex sat at his computer bench, intense and perched like a primal owl Lex Luthor slammed his hand down, "Do it" he said, "your time is now" Fingers primed, the plan was a stroke of genius, simple and cunning Alex studied the screen, then changed the world with the click of a button... EXT. SKY - DAY The scream for help is louder now, I peer down toward it I was near my destination when the green clouds start to roll in It's like they were controlled... A flash exploded, fogging up my eyes I instantly coughed and gasped, saw black, then dropped out of the sky... INT. LEX CORP. BASEMENT - TIME UNDETERMINED I awoke chained to a chair, it felt tight, would be no use fighting I'm feeling weak and tiny, a mass of kryptonite glowing green beside me It's blinding. Alex snapped his fingers, "Still a bit cloudy up there, Jonathan?" "It's time to see the light... Once you do you'll never be lost again" Lex Luthor stalked around, "For decades Superman gave me grief, kid" "Turning a son against a father... It may be the only way to defeat him" A question remained; I was in flight, how did you bring me down? Alex smiled, "You must know by now we used kryptonite clouds" Lex Luthor left the room quite proud, I felt the power pushed from my mind I shook while confined, Alex said, "It's called cloud seeding, look it up sometime" "People think your father is Heaven's angel, without testing his faith..." I struggled against my restraints but there was nothing left of my strength I failed to save those that needed help, somehow I feel no remorse "What's the worst pain in the world?" Alex asked, "Other than what you're feeling, of course..." I retort by trying to break the chair that could barely be budged "The answer is having to keep your story inside, never sharing it once" "Know what that does to someone? You can't try to stop or postpone" "To remain anonymous and unknown is to never find a God or a home" "Succession is a natural progression of life, I'm just making it known" "The young will finally step up and take their rightful place on the throne." "Out with the old, in with the new... We can show 'em how it's done" "I love dad to the moon and back, but he had his moment in the sun" "The day has come to make a name for ourselves... We shouldn't delay" "It's time for OUR stories to be finally told, wouldn't you say?" I flashback to a burning building, it's like father planned it this way I saved the girl, but everyone in the crowd was chanting his name... "Super Man!" "Super Man!" ... It haunted every dream "What about you?" Alex asked...Yeah, I thought... What about me.... DISSOLVE TO: EXT. SKY - DAY A look of worry crossed Superman's face, he was too stunned to say it But there was a hole in his cape as he raced toward his son's location Rain from green clouds turned to vapor, this is how you drown in smoke A sound of choking; Then the Man of Steel plummeted to the ground below... EXT. HIGHWAY - DAY The vehicles were gridlocked for hours after what fell from above A crater in the asphalt erupts, people in shock yell and just run My father was in defense mode instead of his usual form of a weapon I swooped in and attacked - wearing a custom plated suit for protection On closer inspection he's weaker than I thought, he aged to my surprise I freeze him in place with my breath, burning him with lasers from my eyes Father screamed in pain, as if realizing his upcoming demise I grabbed him and threw him through a semi truck - He came out the other side Fight back, old man! You won't take the easy way out this time! Through gritted teeth he said "...No." I shouted and dragged him through the sky I pummelled his face into highway signs, simple and clean It must've been instinct but he reacted and threw me into the street I was disoriented - I'd never been hit with such tremendous force Father stood over me looking worried... (which allowed me to mend up of course) Then I informed him of what I did, he initially didn't believe what I said I told him Mom was dead... "Lois...", He fell on his knees and just wept Opportunity crept, I leapt up and grabbed his throat in a flash He wheezed as I laughed, his neck caved... I squeezed 'til it snapped... I stood on father's dead corpse, admiring the pained look in his features Humans got it wrong... The RIGHT student is always greater than the teacher Change is constant throughout history, I can't stall in the least When the world hears who's deceased all the idolized will fall at our feet For the first time his jawline seemed weak, he looked human in the flesh All I could do was grin at the end... After all, Superman was dead. INT. PENTHOUSE - NIGHT Lex Luthor sat at his mahogany desk, satisfied as he folded his hands He stared at Alex, "Seems like everything went according to plan" Alex pulled out a gun; Lex shrugged, "Son, you don't have it in you to shoot" "Get with program" Alex seethed, "because it's time to reboot" "This is for every day I cried as a child, and you just stood by... See ya" "Hate to admit you're right, dad... but a good idea's a good idea..." *Gunshot. EXT. ROOFTOP - NIGHT So what's next? Alex grinned, "Now we get them all in line to fight" "Every child of a superhero or supervillain must step into the limelight" We stared at the bright lights of the night, the view was awfully pretty... PAN OUT: We leave Jonathan and Alex as they look out toward Gotham City... CUT TO BLACK. *sounds of a Girl humming - rapid footsteps on linoleum tile. FADE IN: INSERT: One Month Later INT. ARKHAM ASYLUM - TIME UNDETERMINED Lucy Quinzel walked down a white hall passed cages and grime She skipped and eerily hummed a song - A bloody bat dragging behind She tossed away a bloodstained folder that contained information she pried From cold dead fingers; Then stopped at a door reading 'Dangerous Patient Inside' "Harley says hi..." Lucy said, almost as a last reminder She held up a pic of Harley Quinn's corpse - a bloody baseball bat beside her "Mum's the word; It took persuading to find where your sentence was served" "But the young always kill the old and stagnant ... It's called culling the herd" Only muttering was heard for awhile, then it crawled to a *kle (ca-ckle) A low guttural voice, "Oh my sweet girl..." followed by laughter The voice said, "It takes a villain to play hero, we dig deep from underneath" "I came for your mother 20 years ago... Now it seems you've come for me..." High pitched maniacal laughter filled the screen, "I guess I still need help..." "How about I join the suicide squad?" Hahahahaa... "I kill myself..." "You're the daughter from Hell..." Lucy pulled a key from her bra and dress Unlocked the cage, put the bloody bat on her shoulder, "Knock knock..." she said "Who's there?" Lucy held up Harley's detached head looking smug "The answer to life is succession" she said, "it's not a question of love" Lucy entered the dark room, we hear "Toss me the head, you little slut" "By the way, got any make-up on you? Poppa needs to freshen up..." Clunk* *Sounds of a baseball bat connecting with skull and brain tissue. PULL BACK DOWN THE WHITE HALLWAY: Hahahaaa. .. *Clunk Hahahhahahahaaaa... .. *Clunk Haaaahahhahaaahahahaaaaaha- - *CLUNK *Silence. FADE OUT. __________________ ..Passed the Present and Future..

06-28-2020, 10:11 PM	#11
Scar Senior Member Join Date: May 2019 Posts: 530 Battle Record: 7-5 Champed - Guerrilla Writing League Rep Power: 5689706	universe yeah this was really good. there were instances of questionable wording like "yell and just run" and "primal owl" i still dont' know what that means and "simple and clean" which i think was forced just to rhyme with "into the street". but with a verse this length, it was bound to have some kinks so no big deal honestly. i like the lesson even though its a bit morbid and very unsettling lulz but the idea of necessary progression and the tide of change stuff was well delivered and did not lose steam at all at least to me anyway. well done my man. adverse, another awesome entry. i'm a big fan of hemingway as im sure a lot of us are since we all kind of use his style in one way or another lulz. and let me say, "own master piece/ wyoming mountain peak" was fuckin awesome! but with that said, alot of the problem with this verse was the rhyming. im find with slants and near rhyme but i think what hurts it is the syllables of the rhymes you know? its hard to explain but like this line here: breeze softly blows/ of chicago - like it was jarring. there were a few instances of that. but content-wise i love this verse. its about an author but it has this very intimate feel about it. love the old man and the sea references and i almost wish there were more instances of that. this is a hard one. i like universe for the scope of his story. this guy always put effort and thats why he's one of my favorite writers on the site. but there's something about adverse verse that did it for me. despite the less than stellar technical merits, his story had a more personal connection to me. not sure if its cause im a fan of Hemingway or if cause i like documentaries lulz but i think i will go against popular opinion and v/adverse. __________________ I remember the poplar trees

06-20-2020, 09:58 PM	#2
Adverse low tide in serotonin bay Join Date: Jul 2013 Posts: 2,744 Battle Record: 37-28 Champed - GWL Picture Challenge - Guerrilla Writing League - Black August II Rep Power: 15446143	Word Check good luck Uni

06-24-2020, 03:58 AM	#5
Adverse low tide in serotonin bay Join Date: Jul 2013 Posts: 2,744 Battle Record: 37-28 Champed - GWL Picture Challenge - Guerrilla Writing League - Black August II Rep Power: 15446143	I've walked amongst mankind since the dawn of existence The inception of fire, the etching of ancient hieroglyphics I've silently smirked at your progress and watched civilizations crumble But i am forever, i lie in anticipation underneath the rubble I collaborated with Shakespeare on the plays he had written Yet my name is never mentioned, I brought you the Twains and the Dickens I've been on the road with Keuroc, told the ghastly anecdotes at every campsite And was the at the interview under dimming lamplight, adjacent to Anne Rice In my lifetime I’ve read a million scriptures, I've met an abundance of writers But you were my most sacred of friends, filled my brain with inspiration and my lungs full of fire I stood tall with you in the war, picked the shrapnel from your body when the mortars had fell I could only shudder with anticipation for the glorious tales and stories you'd tell I shook as the leaves did 1899, Oak Park, dancing as the breeze softly blows I noticed your spark instantly, you lit up that suburb in the shadow of Chicago Even as a child there was that light in your eye like the glint of the sun You had a taste of freedom, adventure on the tip of your tongue So honestly it was no surprise when I heard that you'd gone so far After the war you started wordsmithing, as a journalist at the Toronto Star What a start, but still i grit my teeth with excitement and unrest Because I was thrilled for your accomplishments but more antsy for what you ain't done yet So when you embarked to Paris, I felt shivers slither up my spine With a silent, solemn nod I smirked, this is now your time What. A. Life The next three decades you hopped from one destination to the next The words flowed out of you so freely, easily, it was like taking a breath You bled on the typewriter, your pain documented as the keys were stained red The many days of hardwork and sacrifice were impossible to forget You broke hearts, and forged bonds that were built to last But it wasn't long until you were drowned by the same fluid that filled your glass Along the way you picked up a habit that was hostile to your health And like many great men your worst enemies became the bottle, and yourself Wonder if you saw destiny’s foreshadowing? She was writing her own masterpiece I wonder if you ever caught glimpses of abysses from those Wyoming mountain peaks To questioning life leaving New York by train, staring at the skyscrapers Rushing away from the train station where you had heard your father's life was taken Your nerves in your writing hand burning after that Montana car accident The painful mending of the Kangaroo tendon they bounded your fracture with 1942 saw my suspicions arise when you said you were “out of business in writin” Ten years later your descriptive devices garnered you a Pulitzer prize But of course, fate was still writing your story, preparing a final draft In 1954 you spent Christmas in the Congo, and endured successive plane crashes You were broken, battered, beaten, picture next to pained in the dictionary Media falsely reported your death, spent the next few weeks reading your obituary I bet it was liberating… Your addiction became all-consuming, you were sippin liq to parry All your injuries, your ailing health, your mindstate starts slippin’ Eyesight starting to deteriorate, a cruel joke for a man with such vision They tried electroshock therapy to ease his manicness but could never correct him.. I wish i had been there to catch the shell that went off that day in Ketchum… Always thought fate had a twisted sense of irony, now I'm positive His hemochromatosis broke down his mind, he took his life just like his Father did There's parallels between you and your work, with any artist there is You were Santiago, and your Marlin was happiness, but she was far too big My name is Literature, and because of me, they'll remember you all too well But through all your accolades I can only ponder on the stories that you'll never get to tell.. *A Song For Mr. Hemingway*

06-25-2020, 02:22 PM	#6
Johnny 6 feet Storyteller Join Date: May 2020 Posts: 446 Battle Record: 8-4 Champed - Guerrilla Writing League Rep Power: 5558444	Universe- DC Universe, lol. You told an engaging and original story that held my attention despite the long length. Kudos. The whole thing ran seamlessly from one scene to the next and the use of script terminology to break up the scenes was a nice touch. You kept the vocab and rhyme aspects of it straightforward but not simplistic and this helped the flow of the piece along nicely. It was something to eat popcorn to. Maybe a few lines were awkwardly worded here and there but in a piece this length that a very minor niggle. Great work. Adverse- The muse looks on. A classic topic you breathed fresh life into as inspiration gave us a history lesson. I could see the imagery you used clearly like a montage thruogh history before describing the life of Ernest Hemingway. I'm familiar with his life story (mainly thanks to this: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PUB9D78ajmI ) but I'd not seen it written in such a poetic fashion before. Your choice of vocab and use of imagery was great from the start all the way to it's sad conclusion. Some lines felt overstretched here and there but, like Universe, it was a minor niggle that didn't spoil the overall flow of the narrative. Fuck you guys for making this so difficult! Both writers drew on established material and put their own spin on it in an original way, both had a great flow of storytelling, both had crystal clear imagery.... uhhhhhhhhh Vote- Adverse, had the edge on vocab and did as much storywise with less lines. Excellent battle.

06-27-2020, 04:38 PM	#7
symetrik Senior Member Join Date: Sep 2013 Posts: 546 Battle Record: 5-7 Rep Power: 8664751	Universe - great story, held me from start to finish. I took the end with a bit of uncertainty and found myself wondering who was clunking who, rooting for the og. good use of scene transitions, helped fast forward the story at the necessary times as well. excellent connection to the topic as well imo Adverse - awesome piece, I know next to nothing about the greats so I had to google some of the history you were writing about to figure out who it was about (coulda just read the title I suppose). I like the point of perspective and following the career. adverse's felt like an ode to something that already happened, universe's felt like a nice piece of fiction, and fiction edges it for me. great round, great writers. mvgt Universe

06-27-2020, 08:44 PM	#8
Artifice Senior Member Join Date: Mar 2016 Posts: 269 Battle Record: 17-9 Champed - Art Of Writing League - GWL Picture Challenge Rep Power: 3944946	Universe: thoroughly enjoyed the read. pacing was on point and despite being 100 lines it didn't feel drawn out. loved the way you flipped the topic and have continued the narrative, the luthor twist half-way through caught me tbh, wasn't expecting it. solid piece, looking forward to next week. Adverse: Great depiction of Hemingway's life. You took on an interesting voice in the personification of literature watching the author, which was well done. The beginning of your piece reminded me of Lupe Fiasco's 'Put You On Game' which is high praise based on what I think of Lupe. Overall also solid work. Good champ match here, two different approaches and both were executed well. I'm leaning towards Uni cuz his verse spoke to me more and it felt like a little smoother read, but reasonable voters can and will disagree. v/ Universe

06-28-2020, 05:47 PM	#9
Adverse low tide in serotonin bay Join Date: Jul 2013 Posts: 2,744 Battle Record: 37-28 Champed - GWL Picture Challenge - Guerrilla Writing League - Black August II Rep Power: 15446143	2-1 Universe Upping for votes!

06-28-2020, 09:08 PM	#10
Pharaohs Army Banned Join Date: Aug 2014 Posts: 2,962 Battle Record: 6 - 14 Rep Power: 0	Sorry this vote is short but I assure you I've read these multiple times. Even though I'm not a Superman aficionado I found myself engaged in Universe's story. I thought the kryptonite clouds were a creative take for a villain tool. Regarding Hemingway, the verse was educational for me as I was not familiar with his biography so I was sure to read it again after the newness wore off. Pretty good verse this week and Adverse definitely did his research. For me I guess it comes down to subject matter,, I find the superhero story did more for me than the dead author story. Vote Universe

06-29-2020, 04:25 AM	#12
brokenhal0 Senior Member Join Date: Jun 2013 Posts: 493 Battle Record: 12-12=4 Champed - AOWL Season IX Rep Power: 455117	Universe - Impressive flex as usual alot of content some parts lack the intention and power that specific bars wield things like : ''On closer inspection he's weaker than I thought, he aged to my surprise I freeze him in place with my breath, burning him with lasers from my eyes Father screamed in pain, as if realizing his upcoming demise '' carrying the story while holding and changing topic pieces shows the talent you have its like reading a script for a biblical marvel movie .. Adverse - This was raw kinda gave me that gritty feel i like some parts seemed a lil muted when carrying the tone of the overall idea Great opening : ''I've walked amongst mankind since the dawn of existence The inception of fire, the etching of ancient hieroglyphics I've silently smirked at your progress and watched civilizations crumble But i am forever, i lie in anticipation underneath the rubble its hard to carry that momentum for so long but for the most part you did good shit vote - Universe ... by the molecule of a dust mold ..