Ayo...

Adverse · 06-23-2020, 01:30 AM

Don't you DARE TELL ME you're not a topical writer again! Lol this was dope fam especially from a vocabulary and flow standpoint, honestly you told a good story here and though the concept might not be the freshest it was executed well my only complaint is you came out of the gates swinging and of sputtered towards the middle but the end made up for ir. Nice work my fav bit was

Meet Allen, six
Now seein' karma's fallacy in strikes
& Calvin's verbal abuse as talons in his mind
Knuckles & knuckles eruptin' to rupture his shell
To a weak upholdin', raised by the buckles on belts

Keep spitting bro and also be a little more creative with your naming as that's what draws readers in there were 100 good names avaliable for this i don't think "Ayo..." Grabs attention or does justice to your piece

06-23-2020, 01:30 AM	#6
Adverse low tide in serotonin bay Join Date: Jul 2013 Posts: 2,752 Battle Record: 37-28 Champed - GWL Picture Challenge - Guerrilla Writing League - Black August II Rep Power: 15446146	Don't you DARE TELL ME you're not a topical writer again! Lol this was dope fam especially from a vocabulary and flow standpoint, honestly you told a good story here and though the concept might not be the freshest it was executed well my only complaint is you came out of the gates swinging and of sputtered towards the middle but the end made up for ir. Nice work my fav bit was Meet Allen, six Now seein' karma's fallacy in strikes & Calvin's verbal abuse as talons in his mind Knuckles & knuckles eruptin' to rupture his shell To a weak upholdin', raised by the buckles on belts Keep spitting bro and also be a little more creative with your naming as that's what draws readers in there were 100 good names avaliable for this i don't think "Ayo..." Grabs attention or does justice to your piece