WEEK 8: Champ Match: Bodey vs Inno BODEY WINS

Johnny 6 feet · 05-19-2020, 10:29 AM

Bodey- Haunting stuff. You explored the issue of mental illness/sociopathic behaviour and tied it to the picture nicely. You really did a great job of establishing your narrator in just a few key lines of dialogue:

"They’d read us stories, tuck us in, and leave the door open a crack
Bazooka Joe bubblegum with cherry slushies to even out the summer sun"

You made her seem warm and unrelatable just to change gear and paint a picture of someone who was emotionally dead with a fetish for animal torture. Your vocab choice, as ever, was great, although the rhyme scheme wavered in a few places. The closing stanza did the job of bringing this home.

"…Yellowed eyes now blinking empty, my brain sits as a passenger"

Chilling, and the final line:

"that everyone’s got a monster clawing underneath ‘em"

Was a strong note to end on. Good work champ.

Inno- great take on the topic. Heroin addiction right? You took the terror of the picture and went in an original direction. I could relate to this an a personal level (I'm a dry alcoholic) and the imagery you used to describe the mental state of the narrator was dead on (pun intended) to what withdrawal and a self-destructive desire is like:

"My heart melts from the fear, each pump of blood is deafening
I try to fill my lungs with air to billow out the fright but no ones listening"

"I pull my sheets up to my nose and I break down in despair
I whisper son only god can hear me “lord please protect me I’m so scared”"

As Universe said, syllabically some of your lines were awkward, and a few mismatched rhymes. But these are nitpicks in a haunting, original piece. Great job.

Fuck you guys for making this so hard to vote on lol.

Vote- Bodey, just, JUST, edged it. Well done.

05-19-2020, 10:29 AM	#11
Johnny 6 feet Storyteller Join Date: May 2020 Posts: 446 Battle Record: 8-4 Champed - Guerrilla Writing League Rep Power: 5558447	Bodey- Haunting stuff. You explored the issue of mental illness/sociopathic behaviour and tied it to the picture nicely. You really did a great job of establishing your narrator in just a few key lines of dialogue: "They’d read us stories, tuck us in, and leave the door open a crack Bazooka Joe bubblegum with cherry slushies to even out the summer sun" You made her seem warm and unrelatable just to change gear and paint a picture of someone who was emotionally dead with a fetish for animal torture. Your vocab choice, as ever, was great, although the rhyme scheme wavered in a few places. The closing stanza did the job of bringing this home. "…Yellowed eyes now blinking empty, my brain sits as a passenger" Chilling, and the final line: "that everyone’s got a monster clawing underneath ‘em" Was a strong note to end on. Good work champ. Inno- great take on the topic. Heroin addiction right? You took the terror of the picture and went in an original direction. I could relate to this an a personal level (I'm a dry alcoholic) and the imagery you used to describe the mental state of the narrator was dead on (pun intended) to what withdrawal and a self-destructive desire is like: "My heart melts from the fear, each pump of blood is deafening I try to fill my lungs with air to billow out the fright but no ones listening" "I pull my sheets up to my nose and I break down in despair I whisper son only god can hear me “lord please protect me I’m so scared”" As Universe said, syllabically some of your lines were awkward, and a few mismatched rhymes. But these are nitpicks in a haunting, original piece. Great job. Fuck you guys for making this so hard to vote on lol. Vote- Bodey, just, JUST, edged it. Well done.