WEEK 6 Contenders: Bodey vs Adverse 5-0 BODEY WINS

Pharaohs Army · 05-03-2020, 11:13 PM

Adverse
A morbid and dark tale which kept me engaged, wanting to know what comes next.
The twist of course begins when she jams the syringe into his leg.

Bodey
Great descriptive writing, especially in the beginning parts. You really know how to paint a vivid picture with the senses. I could quote 5 right now if I wanted to but trust me, they're in there.... Lazy of me. I better quote some.
Desk-legs scraped against the floor,
and zippers whooshed its teeth around our backpacks

I met Jon when I was fourteen, he’s a piston for jokes
A walking ad for Ecko clothing and reeks of cigarette smoke

Our boring little town is surrounded by luxurious forests
Sprinkled with fresh-water ponds and curious tourists

We pedaled into the night, breathing in northeastern air
The trees fed mint into our nostrils and ruffled our hair

Daylight flooded all around me, turning the morning dew to diamonds

It smelled like mothball-flavored gasoline,
with beat-up softballs, faded magazines,
glass Coke bottles, crates of flags and beans,
yellow neckerchiefs with a couple badges seamed.
Scraps of sunburned newspaper blew around the floor

And on and on.

Now this is the tricky part. I'm confused by your ending, but based on your descriptive writing earlier in the story I think it's still enough for you to take the W here.

NOT saying Adverse wasn't descriptive. He was. Just not nearly as much this week.

I personally can't write a good 50 line narrative. So you should both be proud of yourselves. Thanks for the reads.

Bodey's just stood out more to me, despite my confusion at the end.

05-03-2020, 11:13 PM	#12
Pharaohs Army Banned Join Date: Aug 2014 Posts: 2,956 Battle Record: 6 - 14 Rep Power: 0	Adverse A morbid and dark tale which kept me engaged, wanting to know what comes next. The twist of course begins when she jams the syringe into his leg. Bodey Great descriptive writing, especially in the beginning parts. You really know how to paint a vivid picture with the senses. I could quote 5 right now if I wanted to but trust me, they're in there.... Lazy of me. I better quote some. Desk-legs scraped against the floor, and zippers whooshed its teeth around our backpacks I met Jon when I was fourteen, he’s a piston for jokes A walking ad for Ecko clothing and reeks of cigarette smoke Our boring little town is surrounded by luxurious forests Sprinkled with fresh-water ponds and curious tourists We pedaled into the night, breathing in northeastern air The trees fed mint into our nostrils and ruffled our hair Daylight flooded all around me, turning the morning dew to diamonds It smelled like mothball-flavored gasoline, with beat-up softballs, faded magazines, glass Coke bottles, crates of flags and beans, yellow neckerchiefs with a couple badges seamed. Scraps of sunburned newspaper blew around the floor And on and on. Now this is the tricky part. I'm confused by your ending, but based on your descriptive writing earlier in the story I think it's still enough for you to take the W here. NOT saying Adverse wasn't descriptive. He was. Just not nearly as much this week. I personally can't write a good 50 line narrative. So you should both be proud of yourselves. Thanks for the reads. Bodey's just stood out more to me, despite my confusion at the end.