WEEK 6 Contenders: Bodey vs Adverse 5-0 BODEY WINS

Universe · 05-03-2020, 08:12 AM

Contender battle! Better late than never... lol.

Adverse - This was the most moment-to-moment story you've told yet. What I mean by that is you didnt break away really at any point, you stayed with it like all of it was actually happening right here right now. Although this kept me locked into the plot, I also felt it was watered down because of it. There was some cool sections for sure...

"My mind was trying to plant evil seeds but i ruined its plot "it'll all be alright"
"Give it a chance! You always fuck up good things by reading between the lines""

... but nothing up to your usual standard. I didnt get that Adverse wow moment here!

For the most part this didnt seem up to your usual standard in both multi's and rhyme schemes. A lot of it felt... pedestrian. Maybe I'm being harsh but I have HIGH expectations of you and this didnt capture my imagination like some of your other pieces man. I think it felt this way because of all the dialogue maybe? I think you do better with a "god like" narrator voice... meaning you telling the story from above, overseeing everything and pulling the strings (like your afterlife piece) rather than being there in the moment, it felt a little like you had to dumb yourself down to the level of be story rather than elevate the story to you. The story itself was cool, not a huge fan of the demon twist, seemed a little on-the-nose for my taste, but still felt relevant to your apparition-like topic. Also, a couple times your rhyme scheme just jumped over to another scheme as well. Let me show you what I mean:

What brings you ladies all the way out here?" With a smile Dave starts questionin'
They swing around meeting us with wide blue eyes, "Oh just feeling adventurous"

So far so good...

The other quipped "we laugh in the face of danger" i chuckled at the Simba impressionist
"What about you two? Are you rapists? Or murderers?" They asked

Huh? ... Loved the Simba line but it didnt connect after. Then you followed it with...

"Of course not! We came out here because my friend got dumped! He's feelin bad!"

Not only is this a horrible line, Adverse, it just feels jilted and disconnected from the flow. YOU ARE BETTER THAN THIS.

There was some awkward phrasing too just for the sake of multi's,.which although appreciated, I think I'd rather just read a bar that makes a little more sense than have the multi's.

"I felt a rush of wind hit my face as she raised her fist to the sky
She swung it down in an instance, my face spat out a grimace and cry"

I realize this was the middle part of a section where all of it connected, so there is some leeway there, but a face spitting out a grimace and cry just didnt read well to me. Just my opinion.

Ugh. I wanted to love this. I really did. You are one of my favorite guys in this league and probably my favorite overall on this site in terms of just being awesome, but I got to call it like I see it man... and this to me felt like a day off for you.

Bodey - Very cool little campfire story here. It really drew me in from the jump and carried me through. The twist wasnt too original but it worked, and the ending was a nice touch. There was some awkward rhyme scheme jumps like in Adverse's but nothing that took me out of the story. I loved this part especially:

"We pedaled into the night, breathing in northeastern air
The trees fed mint into our nostrils and ruffled our hair
Flashes of a lightning bolt signaled us to our feet
Abandoning our bicycles, we hiked til it was too hard to see
Tommy soon suggested that we take a break and lay low
For some reason I never questioned how he knew where to go"

This was magnetic, Bodey. Multi's were lacking but this shows the advantage of being clear and concise over technically proficient sometimes. This was a solid showing from you this week.

Sorry I didn't break down your verse like Adverse's but I feel I dont need to.

Overall, I enjoyed this. It wasnt quite what I expected from a Contender's match but it served its purpose. Adverse wasn't up to his usual standard and Bodey came in right at (high) expectation for me. So...

Vote - Bodey

Never ending respect to you both.

05-03-2020, 08:12 AM	#10
Universe Everything's Connected Join Date: Nov 2017 Location: Niagara Falls, Canada Posts: 1,001 Battle Record: 19-8 Champed - Guerrilla Writing League(2x) - GWL Picture challenge(2x) - Art of Writing League Rep Power: 10178706	Contender battle! Better late than never... lol. Adverse - This was the most moment-to-moment story you've told yet. What I mean by that is you didnt break away really at any point, you stayed with it like all of it was actually happening right here right now. Although this kept me locked into the plot, I also felt it was watered down because of it. There was some cool sections for sure... "My mind was trying to plant evil seeds but i ruined its plot "it'll all be alright" "Give it a chance! You always fuck up good things by reading between the lines"" ... but nothing up to your usual standard. I didnt get that Adverse wow moment here! For the most part this didnt seem up to your usual standard in both multi's and rhyme schemes. A lot of it felt... pedestrian. Maybe I'm being harsh but I have HIGH expectations of you and this didnt capture my imagination like some of your other pieces man. I think it felt this way because of all the dialogue maybe? I think you do better with a "god like" narrator voice... meaning you telling the story from above, overseeing everything and pulling the strings (like your afterlife piece) rather than being there in the moment, it felt a little like you had to dumb yourself down to the level of be story rather than elevate the story to you. The story itself was cool, not a huge fan of the demon twist, seemed a little on-the-nose for my taste, but still felt relevant to your apparition-like topic. Also, a couple times your rhyme scheme just jumped over to another scheme as well. Let me show you what I mean: What brings you ladies all the way out here?" With a smile Dave starts questionin' They swing around meeting us with wide blue eyes, "Oh just feeling adventurous" So far so good... The other quipped "we laugh in the face of danger" i chuckled at the Simba impressionist "What about you two? Are you rapists? Or murderers?" They asked Huh? ... Loved the Simba line but it didnt connect after. Then you followed it with... "Of course not! We came out here because my friend got dumped! He's feelin bad!" Not only is this a horrible line, Adverse, it just feels jilted and disconnected from the flow. YOU ARE BETTER THAN THIS. There was some awkward phrasing too just for the sake of multi's,.which although appreciated, I think I'd rather just read a bar that makes a little more sense than have the multi's. "I felt a rush of wind hit my face as she raised her fist to the sky She swung it down in an instance, my face spat out a grimace and cry" I realize this was the middle part of a section where all of it connected, so there is some leeway there, but a face spitting out a grimace and cry just didnt read well to me. Just my opinion. Ugh. I wanted to love this. I really did. You are one of my favorite guys in this league and probably my favorite overall on this site in terms of just being awesome, but I got to call it like I see it man... and this to me felt like a day off for you. Bodey - Very cool little campfire story here. It really drew me in from the jump and carried me through. The twist wasnt too original but it worked, and the ending was a nice touch. There was some awkward rhyme scheme jumps like in Adverse's but nothing that took me out of the story. I loved this part especially: "We pedaled into the night, breathing in northeastern air The trees fed mint into our nostrils and ruffled our hair Flashes of a lightning bolt signaled us to our feet Abandoning our bicycles, we hiked til it was too hard to see Tommy soon suggested that we take a break and lay low For some reason I never questioned how he knew where to go" This was magnetic, Bodey. Multi's were lacking but this shows the advantage of being clear and concise over technically proficient sometimes. This was a solid showing from you this week. Sorry I didn't break down your verse like Adverse's but I feel I dont need to. Overall, I enjoyed this. It wasnt quite what I expected from a Contender's match but it served its purpose. Adverse wasn't up to his usual standard and Bodey came in right at (high) expectation for me. So... Vote - Bodey Never ending respect to you both. __________________ ..Passed the Present and Future..