WEEK 6: dead man vs Pharaohs army 5-2 PA WINS

dead man · 05-01-2020, 11:16 PM

i mean

They said it was time. we had to gather our clothes
silks and satin and soda bread. towels and napkins and bowls
sandy remote tent oasis city, scavenging soulfully
always asking our questions waiting for answers They hold
mudroad backwoods and cola. wormhole our galaxy's distant
tracing back our sins to practice pattern prevention
adolescent wanderers. They've led us to madness
scores of loyal Bodhisattva in a temple of trash
putty in Their hands. gelatin, the shell of man
crowdfunding dark nirvana, down like 70 grand
so here we stand. They said heaven was a place we could visit
with a basket and a rubber ball and helium gas
may we pass on peaceful when our ascension collapses
reenacting folklore in our icarus masks
any pressure and depressiveness a thing of the past
They said it was time. we echoed it back.
slow mutation our collective inertia, virgin rebirth
a void to fill with homily and letter and verse
gospel of Death. the Call came when our daughter was 7
we had 48 hours to either launch or defect
and we left. the Voices called behind us. haunting as ever
is it worse to die as one or outlive all of your friends?
we walked and wept. darkness crept. mountains and streams
creekwater frogs and centipedes. acres of greenery
tasting freedom, slowly but surely. a day and half
had past before we took a break and finally looked back
climbed a path, found a grassy clearing. stared at the sky
where all our friends were floating towards their final goodbye
a family stood nearby. picnic baskets and boxes
laughing zooming photo lenses, snapping their shots
we turned our backs. it hurt too deeply to watch
but that sound still pierced the world as
the first balloon popped.

Universe · 05-02-2020, 08:29 AM

Pharaohs Army -

"Air. Wispy clouds. Red and blue sky.
Big boulders. Balloons take flight. At least 25. Burners above the baskets.
Camera. “Can you take a picture?”
“Did you even have to ask it?”

Great opener and good work overall, PA. You knew you had to bring something different to the table against dead man, and you did here. I enjoyed the alphabetical rhyme scheme, it's been done hundreds of times before but I appreciate the attempt at making your verse stand out. And it worked in that respect. As soon as I saw it I just thought, "yes"... because I knew you tried. You had some cool lines in there and even though your approach was rather simple and linear, it blended well with your alphabetical concept and the light, cheery topic you were given. I shamefully admit I had to look up what "xanthic" meant lol, which is always nice to learn a new word lol, so thanks for that. Overall I enjoyed this verse, PA. Well done.

dead man - Your skill level is redundant at this point, but I don't care. You're super talented and you reinforce it with every drop. This was no different. It gave me a cult vibe, if that's what you were going for. People believing in heaven, getting a call to go in 48 hours... you managed to weave this underlying darkness into an otherwise bright and hopeful scene, and it was very well done. Your word choices were masterful and the pictures you painted in my head linger...

"mudroad backwoods and cola. wormhole our galaxy's distant
tracing back our sins to practice pattern prevention"

"so here we stand. They said heaven was a place we could visit
with a basket and a rubber ball and helium gas
may we pass on peaceful when our ascension collapses
reenacting folklore in our icarus masks"

Yikes. There's not much else I can say. I loved this piece, dead man. Great job.

So overall an impressive showing from both parties. You both brought it and, in doing so, made this a memorable battle. PA was up against a monster and he put up a valiant fight... but he was overcome in the end by a creative piece littered with memorable lines. Respect to both of you.

Vote - dead man

05-01-2020, 11:16 PM	#1
dead man living Join Date: Jan 2013 Posts: 3,485 Battle Record: 33-18 Accomplishments - Hall of Fame Champed - AOWL Season 1 - Art of Writing League - AOWL Season 4 - Write Week V - GWL Season 1 Rep Power: 77606679	i mean They said it was time. we had to gather our clothes silks and satin and soda bread. towels and napkins and bowls sandy remote tent oasis city, scavenging soulfully always asking our questions waiting for answers They hold mudroad backwoods and cola. wormhole our galaxy's distant tracing back our sins to practice pattern prevention adolescent wanderers. They've led us to madness scores of loyal Bodhisattva in a temple of trash putty in Their hands. gelatin, the shell of man crowdfunding dark nirvana, down like 70 grand so here we stand. They said heaven was a place we could visit with a basket and a rubber ball and helium gas may we pass on peaceful when our ascension collapses reenacting folklore in our icarus masks any pressure and depressiveness a thing of the past They said it was time. we echoed it back. slow mutation our collective inertia, virgin rebirth a void to fill with homily and letter and verse gospel of Death. the Call came when our daughter was 7 we had 48 hours to either launch or defect and we left. the Voices called behind us. haunting as ever is it worse to die as one or outlive all of your friends? we walked and wept. darkness crept. mountains and streams creekwater frogs and centipedes. acres of greenery tasting freedom, slowly but surely. a day and half had past before we took a break and finally looked back climbed a path, found a grassy clearing. stared at the sky where all our friends were floating towards their final goodbye a family stood nearby. picnic baskets and boxes laughing zooming photo lenses, snapping their shots we turned our backs. it hurt too deeply to watch but that sound still pierced the world as the first balloon popped. __________________ Zack Wicks for president

05-02-2020, 08:29 AM	#2
Universe Everything's Connected Join Date: Nov 2017 Location: Niagara Falls, Canada Posts: 1,001 Battle Record: 19-8 Champed - Guerrilla Writing League(2x) - GWL Picture challenge(2x) - Art of Writing League Rep Power: 10178706	Pharaohs Army - "Air. Wispy clouds. Red and blue sky. Big boulders. Balloons take flight. At least 25. Burners above the baskets. Camera. “Can you take a picture?” “Did you even have to ask it?” Great opener and good work overall, PA. You knew you had to bring something different to the table against dead man, and you did here. I enjoyed the alphabetical rhyme scheme, it's been done hundreds of times before but I appreciate the attempt at making your verse stand out. And it worked in that respect. As soon as I saw it I just thought, "yes"... because I knew you tried. You had some cool lines in there and even though your approach was rather simple and linear, it blended well with your alphabetical concept and the light, cheery topic you were given. I shamefully admit I had to look up what "xanthic" meant lol, which is always nice to learn a new word lol, so thanks for that. Overall I enjoyed this verse, PA. Well done. dead man - Your skill level is redundant at this point, but I don't care. You're super talented and you reinforce it with every drop. This was no different. It gave me a cult vibe, if that's what you were going for. People believing in heaven, getting a call to go in 48 hours... you managed to weave this underlying darkness into an otherwise bright and hopeful scene, and it was very well done. Your word choices were masterful and the pictures you painted in my head linger... "mudroad backwoods and cola. wormhole our galaxy's distant tracing back our sins to practice pattern prevention" "so here we stand. They said heaven was a place we could visit with a basket and a rubber ball and helium gas may we pass on peaceful when our ascension collapses reenacting folklore in our icarus masks" Yikes. There's not much else I can say. I loved this piece, dead man. Great job. So overall an impressive showing from both parties. You both brought it and, in doing so, made this a memorable battle. PA was up against a monster and he put up a valiant fight... but he was overcome in the end by a creative piece littered with memorable lines. Respect to both of you. Vote - dead man __________________ ..Passed the Present and Future..