WEEK 6 Champ Match: Universe vs Scar 4-1 SCAR WINS

Universe · 05-01-2020, 11:03 PM

Chapter Four - Loose Ends

http://www.netcees.org/showthread.php?t=142850

Chapter Five: The Dark Places We Hide

"We can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark; the real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light." - Plato

......

Tick tock, tick tock, tick tock...

I checked my pulse like a metronome, it kept the rhythm of the night
Yet a depressed mind in a childhood home might never come to light
Thought I went blind at first, my only company was my audible breath
I guess talking commenced to guide me to my next obvious step
The spotlight put me on edge, this circular shape had formed quick
The implications were enormous as I made my way toward it
There was a growing odd aroma, a burning smell, I'm guessing stove top
Was getting closed off until the tick tock of that metronome clock
I eavesdropped a Woman saying, "Embrace light, as it is your savior"
I stirred awake; A Therapist studied me with a pen pressed to paper
"Let's keep this journey going" she stated "steel your hate and move through"
"Close your eyes, you're getting tired, feel sleep's weight consume you..."
Daydreams were crucial; Suddenly there was a familiar door above me
Father came down the stairs with a bottle in your typical drunk scene
I tried running but restraints would hold me to the basement pole
My baby Brother was shaking cold, the abuse had to take its toll
Father craved control; He tossed the bottle and reached for his belt
Didn't care for myself, I tried to guard my Brother from the evil he dealt
But I couldn't speak all that well, he preferred my younger sibling no doubt
So he forced my Brother to his knees and stuck his dick in his mouth
I screamed out but it didn't help... my Brothers fingers were frantic
Asthma was rare but he was gasping for air, terror triggering panic
I envisioned Mother's figure standing atop the stairs, a timid image
She played with her hair then nervously turned to me "Just let him finish..."
Father bit his lip and pulled out as my Brother's neck violently lurched
He zipped up his pants and panted at me, "Next time it's your turn"
He returned upstairs, passing Mother while squeezing her butt
I checked on my Brother, that's when I heard footsteps creaking above...
They were heavy yet subtle, but something was rooted in fear
Soon after I heard Father ask, "Ben... what are you doing here?"
Mother rushed down the stairs, she untied us and said "Dress and be cordial"
"In a couple minutes come up, and remember... everything's normal"
We waited there for ages, then the conversation steered our way
So we rushed up into the kitchen and hid behind our Parents legs
I asked, "Uncle Ben, can you stay?" Hoping it would become our way out
But he just looked away and placed a loaded gun in his mouth
Mother shouted "Benjamin... don't!" But I knew it was the last straw
After I saw Uncle Ben blow his brains out all over the back wall
The last thought from a cracked skull-- "Then what happened?" The Therapist asked
The pistol was stashed and we were dragged back to our inherited trap
Then rapid knocks on the door upstairs, followed by "Police, open up!"
I heard a scuffle above, a scream of "Freeze!" then "Both are cuffed."
A Dark Figure in the light crept toward us... I thought this was it
But it was just a Cop... then he said "Oh my God... it's the kids...."
I opened my heavy eyelids, the Therapist had tears in her eyes
It all disappeared in rewind, she said "This is where you survive"
The metronome clock tick tocked, now this was hardly the time...
But emotions flooded over, I heard "Do you follow your heart or your mind?"
"All those scars can't just hide..." she wrapped her arms around mine
Then said "This is where the healing begins"...

And I started to cry.

......

- 90% of child sexual abuse victims know the perpetrator in some way. 68% are abused by a family member.

- About 80% of 21-year-olds who were abused as children met criteria for at least one psychological disorder.

Shine a light in the darkness.

https://preventchildabuse.org

https://www.canadahelps.org/en/chari...-support-site/

Pharaohs Army · 05-03-2020, 10:57 PM

So last week I said I couldn't "get into" a Scar verse. That all changed with his 4th stanza this week. Thought it was an exceptional snippet of writing. Enough to overcome Universe? Not sure yet.

Scar
So the beginning was a little rocky for me as you began personifying a street.
The street cracked a smile? Really? Over my head; sorry.
In the 2nd and 3rd stanza the descriptions really relate well to the picture.
Then golly; I'll quote it.

The noise of Spring. strolling the antiquated avenue,
he sees a clinic poster pleading how “You can help fight cancer too!”
A valiant pursuit, with a little girl’s portrait serving as the voice of sickness
A couple shops down, a vintage toy store full of boyhood wishes
Star Wars memorabilia, Luke, Han, Star Destroyer stickers
He enjoyed the brisk walk; The ambiance and all the stories with it
across the street, a middle-aged couple engaged in dinner for two
Some kind of fish dish at a sickly overstated avenue
Pretentious decor; Dancing pyre professing “classy” perfection
The gentleman wore a pale face with eyes of glassy inflection
Next door, a book shop. Used properties as pages were fold
Front and center, an aging relic, Virginia’s “Room of One's Own”
By his feet, a newspaper rustle and flap to the placid spring wind
The Headline: Man obsessed with sister, held for psychiatric remission

Just a superb piece of writing which, tongue-in-cheek, references some of you and your opponents verses from the past weeks (with links). Really liked the rhyming in this part as well, all the way down to "fish dish".

The next three stanzas wrap things up.
He looked up only to see the lamplight mocking his fall
Interesting way of putting it.

The ending is recursive, referencing the beginning of the piece itself.

Overall your verse filled me with intrigue (what's going on? is this all a dream? what is the light & voice?). This mysterious vibe made me feel it.
---

Universe
Another chapter of your dark tale.
The rhyming and meter are so on point it's almost enough for you to win every week based on that alone (but not quite!), because I just wasn't feeling this verse as much as Scar's.
There were again, moments of shock with--again--incest. In this case gay abusive incest between the father and his young son. And also a live suicide in front of the family by the Uncle.
While these moments were shocking, I must say I am slightly dulled to the shock since all of your writings in this league have these moments. So it's almost expected.
It was clever how you did this all as a shrink session with a therapist. Not easy to do.
Your links at the bottom are nice to shed light on the topic and offer help.

Again, I want to vote for you just based on your effortlessly tight mechanics, but I'm going to go with V/ Scar for the upset just based on the fact that his verse filled me with intrigue and his 4th stanza I thought was excellent.

05-01-2020, 11:03 PM	#1
Universe Everything's Connected Join Date: Nov 2017 Location: Niagara Falls, Canada Posts: 1,001 Battle Record: 19-8 Champed - Guerrilla Writing League(2x) - GWL Picture challenge(2x) - Art of Writing League Rep Power: 10178706	Chapter Four - Loose Ends http://www.netcees.org/showthread.php?t=142850 Chapter Five: The Dark Places We Hide "We can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark; the real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light." - Plato ...... Tick tock, tick tock, tick tock... I checked my pulse like a metronome, it kept the rhythm of the night Yet a depressed mind in a childhood home might never come to light Thought I went blind at first, my only company was my audible breath I guess talking commenced to guide me to my next obvious step The spotlight put me on edge, this circular shape had formed quick The implications were enormous as I made my way toward it There was a growing odd aroma, a burning smell, I'm guessing stove top Was getting closed off until the tick tock of that metronome clock I eavesdropped a Woman saying, "Embrace light, as it is your savior" I stirred awake; A Therapist studied me with a pen pressed to paper "Let's keep this journey going" she stated "steel your hate and move through" "Close your eyes, you're getting tired, feel sleep's weight consume you..." Daydreams were crucial; Suddenly there was a familiar door above me Father came down the stairs with a bottle in your typical drunk scene I tried running but restraints would hold me to the basement pole My baby Brother was shaking cold, the abuse had to take its toll Father craved control; He tossed the bottle and reached for his belt Didn't care for myself, I tried to guard my Brother from the evil he dealt But I couldn't speak all that well, he preferred my younger sibling no doubt So he forced my Brother to his knees and stuck his dick in his mouth I screamed out but it didn't help... my Brothers fingers were frantic Asthma was rare but he was gasping for air, terror triggering panic I envisioned Mother's figure standing atop the stairs, a timid image She played with her hair then nervously turned to me "Just let him finish..." Father bit his lip and pulled out as my Brother's neck violently lurched He zipped up his pants and panted at me, "Next time it's your turn" He returned upstairs, passing Mother while squeezing her butt I checked on my Brother, that's when I heard footsteps creaking above... They were heavy yet subtle, but something was rooted in fear Soon after I heard Father ask, "Ben... what are you doing here?" Mother rushed down the stairs, she untied us and said "Dress and be cordial" "In a couple minutes come up, and remember... everything's normal" We waited there for ages, then the conversation steered our way So we rushed up into the kitchen and hid behind our Parents legs I asked, "Uncle Ben, can you stay?" Hoping it would become our way out But he just looked away and placed a loaded gun in his mouth Mother shouted "Benjamin... don't!" But I knew it was the last straw After I saw Uncle Ben blow his brains out all over the back wall The last thought from a cracked skull-- "Then what happened?" The Therapist asked The pistol was stashed and we were dragged back to our inherited trap Then rapid knocks on the door upstairs, followed by "Police, open up!" I heard a scuffle above, a scream of "Freeze!" then "Both are cuffed." A Dark Figure in the light crept toward us... I thought this was it But it was just a Cop... then he said "Oh my God... it's the kids...." I opened my heavy eyelids, the Therapist had tears in her eyes It all disappeared in rewind, she said "This is where you survive" The metronome clock tick tocked, now this was hardly the time... But emotions flooded over, I heard "Do you follow your heart or your mind?" "All those scars can't just hide..." she wrapped her arms around mine Then said "This is where the healing begins"... And I started to cry. ...... - 90% of child sexual abuse victims know the perpetrator in some way. 68% are abused by a family member. - About 80% of 21-year-olds who were abused as children met criteria for at least one psychological disorder. Shine a light in the darkness. https://preventchildabuse.org https://www.canadahelps.org/en/chari...-support-site/ __________________ ..Passed the Present and Future..

05-03-2020, 10:57 PM	#2
Pharaohs Army Banned Join Date: Aug 2014 Posts: 2,956 Battle Record: 6 - 14 Rep Power: 0	So last week I said I couldn't "get into" a Scar verse. That all changed with his 4th stanza this week. Thought it was an exceptional snippet of writing. Enough to overcome Universe? Not sure yet. Scar So the beginning was a little rocky for me as you began personifying a street. The street cracked a smile? Really? Over my head; sorry. In the 2nd and 3rd stanza the descriptions really relate well to the picture. Then golly; I'll quote it. The noise of Spring. strolling the antiquated avenue, he sees a clinic poster pleading how “You can help fight cancer too!” A valiant pursuit, with a little girl’s portrait serving as the voice of sickness A couple shops down, a vintage toy store full of boyhood wishes Star Wars memorabilia, Luke, Han, Star Destroyer stickers He enjoyed the brisk walk; The ambiance and all the stories with it across the street, a middle-aged couple engaged in dinner for two Some kind of fish dish at a sickly overstated avenue Pretentious decor; Dancing pyre professing “classy” perfection The gentleman wore a pale face with eyes of glassy inflection Next door, a book shop. Used properties as pages were fold Front and center, an aging relic, Virginia’s “Room of One's Own” By his feet, a newspaper rustle and flap to the placid spring wind The Headline: Man obsessed with sister, held for psychiatric remission Just a superb piece of writing which, tongue-in-cheek, references some of you and your opponents verses from the past weeks (with links). Really liked the rhyming in this part as well, all the way down to "fish dish". The next three stanzas wrap things up. He looked up only to see the lamplight mocking his fall Interesting way of putting it. The ending is recursive, referencing the beginning of the piece itself. Overall your verse filled me with intrigue (what's going on? is this all a dream? what is the light & voice?). This mysterious vibe made me feel it. --- Universe Another chapter of your dark tale. The rhyming and meter are so on point it's almost enough for you to win every week based on that alone (but not quite!), because I just wasn't feeling this verse as much as Scar's. There were again, moments of shock with--again--incest. In this case gay abusive incest between the father and his young son. And also a live suicide in front of the family by the Uncle. While these moments were shocking, I must say I am slightly dulled to the shock since all of your writings in this league have these moments. So it's almost expected. It was clever how you did this all as a shrink session with a therapist. Not easy to do. Your links at the bottom are nice to shed light on the topic and offer help. Again, I want to vote for you just based on your effortlessly tight mechanics, but I'm going to go with V/ Scar for the upset just based on the fact that his verse filled me with intrigue and his 4th stanza I thought was excellent.