Week 5: Bodey vs Ender BODEY WINS

[Inno]

GUERRILLA WRITING LEAGUE


@Bodey @Ender


Max line: 30

Min: 10

Check in: 48 hours after thread post

Due date: April 24, 2020 MIDNIGHT EST TIME

Topic: This week we have 7 battles so we are doing a 7 deadly sins themed topic this week. You will receive one of the 7 deadly sins. All you have to do is incorporate the sin into your story any way you choose. Think of it as a jumping off point to something broader. Enjoy!

Your topic is : WRATH

GOODLUCK!

[Bodey]

Check

[Ender]

Check

[Bodey]

@Inno is this due midnight tonight or midnight tomorrow? Jw

[Inno]

Lol tomorrow is the 24 does no one read the op? Lol @Bodey

[Bodey]

@Inno - that's why i asked because midnight on the 24th would be tonight. but some people would look at it as midnight tomorrow night, which would technically be the 25th. you see what i'm sayin lol

[Ender]

Living in Fear
It’s a monotonous buzz, fear is a chainsaw blade
It never goes away, I’m even afraid of being afraid
Trying to fade into the background wherever I go
So I don’t have to fight, so it never comes to blows
I suppose it’s why I try to never meet the eye
Of girls and guys in the street passing by
Deny eye contact and show no facial expression
Avoid a painful session of unstable aggression
But I question what this is really about my friend
Why I want to shout but I tend to back down in the end
Never hold my ground and defend, what is this fear?
Is it mere harsh words that I can’t bear to hear?
Or do I fear violence leading to a downturn in my health?
Or in a confrontation, what I might learn about myself?

I dwell on on this as I’m walking the streets in a slump
Watching my feet, I think it’s clear that….. BUMP!
“Watch where you’re going, you stupid queer cunt!”
Sheer blunt rage in the voice, I could hear the affront
He had a mohawk, black leather jacket and boots
A nose-ringed brute who looked used to disputes
I could feel my heart pump, maybe this was the time
Don’t be a coward, standing up for yourself isn’t a crime
“Sorry about that,” mumbled quietly. Pathetic.
Should be ready to rumble, not shyly apologetic
Yet still apoplectic, a boot lashes out
Blood splashes about from the crashing clout
No doubt unconscious, maybe dead
Tried to get back up, got a boot to the head

I had always lived in fear, what would happen if I confront?
My wrath escaped and I killed that mohawked queer cunt

[Bodey]

It was the summer of ’93, yet we still sported JNCO jeans
With one pant-leg to the knee, please advise the bike-chain grease
Streetlights flickered on, gesturing our parents to call for us
Grew up on the same suburban block in Hollywood, Florida
Such popular kids, dirtying the jokes on our popsicle sticks
And that GI Joe with the voice box was awesome as shit
Parachutes were ready, bottle rockets were lit
Stood over the channel and shot ‘em off of a bridge
One day we were playin pogs, and I was about to win
And then you started goin off, chuckin the slammer at my head
You never showed me you were sorry, it’s outrageous that I stayed
I should’ve known that this was just the budding stages of your rage
Now we’re 17-years old, and you still tell me that we’re boys
But anytime I’d get a girl, you’d get jealous and annoyed
And I never spoke up, I guess because I was afraid
So I tried to spend my time with Lisa, she was always a good lay
Until the day that you walked in on us and threw a fist across my face
I opened my eyes to the sound of her sobbing, it's obvious she had lost it
She told me how you forced yourself inside her while I laid nearby unconscious
That’s it, I told myself, this motherfucker is gonna die
I came home that night, and I begged my parents one more time:
“Can we please move?”
My mother asked to pass the rice
My father would rather toss me money than to ask about my eye
“Kids get into scuffles all the time, is it so wrong to assume that we thought everything was fine?”
Bobby Kent was the high school athlete, every teacher’s wet dream
No adult in this town thought to ask me if he’s really all what he seems
He’s a modern-day Eddie Haskel, a narcissistic asshole
And I’ll be damned if he gets the future that his daddy couldn’t have, so
I invited him out to the Everglades, said there was gonna be a party
He squeezed my shoulder on the way like, “You're my best friend, Marty.”
What he didn’t know is that I brought my hunting knife
And when I jammed the blade into his gut, he said something like,
“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, whatever I did, please don’t kill me!”
His hands were jarring, and my bloody fingernails were filthy
I tackled him to the ground, it was so easy to get him down
Slashing his throat until the gurgling sounds drowned out of his mouth
Days later, I was arrested.
They wondered how a kid like me could get so aggressive
Well, as the product of a cozy middle American family,
Consider this crime my message.

[Universe]

Ender - Quite a different approach from you this week. Last week's verse was like a painting, this was way more watered down and to-the-point. Not necessarily a bad thing... just different. I liked the flow of this, it was tight and impossible to read it any way other than how it was intended. This is tough to do so kudos on that. BUT, I would've liked to see a little more detail in your lines. They all just seemed... abrupt. It's like you sacrificed content for flow... which, I don't know, maybe I just personally prefer more detail like your piece last week. As for the story itself, it was simple but enjoyable. Although I felt this was a topical piece about fear, not wrath. I get the build up to the eventual snapping of the character -- being bullied until enough is enough... but as soon as wrath actually showed its glorious face, it ended. This felt like wrath's origin story rather than a topical piece about wrath. It's a creative take, in it's own way, but I would've liked to see you go over the needs-to-be-changed 30 line limit and really delve into what wrath looks like. Show me its face. I wanted your character to have his revenge laid out at my feet so I could live it with him. I felt I was robbed of that closure here. So overall, a solid piece here for sure... just was expecting a little more from you.


Bodey - I enjoyed this story -- It was your typical kind of coming of age story with that one event that forever earmarks childhood. The flow was good for the most part, and you had some great lines like:

"Such popular kids, dirtying the jokes on our popsicle sticks
And that GI Joe with the voice box was awesome as shit"

Very nostalgic. Reminded me a little of dead man's verse last week.

"He’s a modern-day Eddie Haskel, a narcissistic asshole
And I’ll be damned if he gets the future that his daddy couldn’t have, so"

Loved this in every possible way.

The problem here, I found, is was this seemed like a tale of two cities... Meaning you have tight flow and amazing lines then the next line would seem a little off and... rushed, maybe? Like some lines just didn't CONNNECT with me, sort of threw me out of the vibe of the piece. I also wish you went longer because it jumped around quite quickly.. I wanted more detail about the murder... I wanted to see how the character DEALT with just murdering someone internally. Give us the results of Wrath. I want to FEEL this cool little story and instead I just read and liked it... hope you get what I'm saying.

Overall, I enjoyed this Bodey... just wanted it a little more detailed because you glossed over the coolest parts in my mind. I felt like this should've been condensed down and made into the introduction... then you could take us on a journey of the aftermath of Wrath... and what lies in its wake.

Close battle. Good effort from both... I'm going Bodey though because when her piece shined, it really shined. Just more moments stood out for me.

Vote - Adrian Bodey

[sral]

Voting

[Clutbuck]

Ender: What a fantastic verse! I’ll give you an indepth post of feedback as I feel this deserves it way more than it’s received so far. Straight from the opening line I loved this idea of “fear is a chainsaw blade,” it created a nice visual accompaniment to the message you were relaying but it also an example on why word choice is an important factor. As an opening line, you want to grab your audiences attention, and you certainly did that here. It made me want to listen and read on. The idea of being afraid of being afraid was also a unique one to this topic, which I also enjoyed, and the last couplet starts to build up the characterisation of the lead for the reader, setting your stall out early on:

Originally Posted by Ender

Living in Fear
It’s a monotonous buzz, fear is a chainsaw blade
It never goes away, I’m even afraid of being afraid
Trying to fade into the background wherever I go
So I don’t have to fight, so it never comes to blows

The flow/implied rhythm/cadence you keep is very well done - and understated - which is probably why it’s gone overlooked by the other voters so far but I fully appreciate the difficulty in what you’ve done here. It’s subtle. The mark of an experienced writer, for sure, I also enjoyed the switch up of the rhymes used in the fourth line in particular - again, rhyme scheme and technical proficiency seems to be overlooked by some people in the league that may not understand what is being done right in front of them but I’ve a penchant for high-and mechanics and rhyme scheme so I’m absolutely with you as far as that’s concerned:

I suppose it’s why I try to never meet the eye
Of girls and guys in the street passing by
Deny eye contact and show no facial expression
Avoid a painful session of unstable aggression

I liked how you chose to speak to your audience directly in that opening line, breaking the fourth wall almost, and creating a direct link between you and the reader. It was subtly done, but definitely deserves pointing out as I don’t want you to think anything was missed (at least by me), your efforts here are appreciated. Again, the internal rhyme as you transitioned into the third line with the “down in the end/ground and defend” rhyme made it work so much more fluently and that’s no fluke - that’s as a result of your penmanship. A very well crafted line. I think at this point as well I feel I must mention the consistency in how the shorter lines employed have sustained this incredible cadence at your pieces heart that’s driven things forward at pace - no dry spots - it’s just a well oiled machine of mechanics powering it forward, kudos to you sir:

But I question what this is really about my friend
Why I want to shout but I tend to back down in the end
Never hold my ground and defend, what is this fear?
Is it mere harsh words that I can’t bear to hear?
Or do I fear violence leading to a downturn in my health?
Or in a confrontation, what I might learn about myself?

This is continued as we enter the build up to your closing stanza, where the dialogue is kept natural sounding and crisp and you don’t fall into the trap of trying to rhyme out entire sections of conversation a lot less experienced writers do. The imagery and characterisation is on point also, and I liked the “splashes about/crashing clout” multi scheme deployed before your closing statement that rounded things out to the topic at hand nicely:

I dwell on on this as I’m walking the streets in a slump
Watching my feet, I think it’s clear that….. BUMP!
“Watch where you’re going, you stupid queer cunt!”
Sheer blunt rage in the voice, I could hear the affront
He had a mohawk, black leather jacket and boots
A nose-ringed brute who looked used to disputes
I could feel my heart pump, maybe this was the time
Don’t be a coward, standing up for yourself isn’t a crime
“Sorry about that,” mumbled quietly. Pathetic.
Should be ready to rumble, not shyly apologetic
Yet still apoplectic, a boot lashes out
Blood splashes about from the crashing clout
No doubt unconscious, maybe dead
Tried to get back up, got a boot to the head

I had always lived in fear, what would happen if I confront?
My wrath escaped and I killed that mohawked queer cunt

Very nice work, Ender. I’m impressed.


Bodey: This sort of felt like a continuation piece from where you left off last week, to me, which does feel unimaginative and uncreative and almost cheap as the characters have been established previously. You also had gone over the specified line limit so that’s a point deducted also in my book, it’s poor sportsmanship. Anyway, on to the breakdown:

I noticed almost instantly you have a poly-syllable rhyme which falls short compared with the schemes and technical efficiency that Ender displayed here. The lines are longer, meaning the flow suffers considerably in comparison, and with him adopting such a short syllable count to his lines it makes yours feel even more elongated which I’m not a fan of. Call for us/Florida doesn’t rhyme at all on my accent and comes off forced also which I had an issue with as I’m a perfectionist:

It was the summer of ’93, yet we still sported JNCO jeans
With one pant-leg to the knee, please advise the bike-chain grease
Streetlights flickered on, gesturing our parents to call for us
Grew up on the same suburban block in Hollywood, Florida

The next section offers a lot of nostalgic references but there’s no real heart to it to drive it forward, it isn’t progressing the storyline or really giving us any insight into the characters and who they are as people - their personalities, thoughts, fears etc... it just kind of “is”, you know? It’s missing something to make a connection. Win/head also doesn’t rhyme in my accent at all, sorry:

Such popular kids, dirtying the jokes on our popsicle sticks
And that GI Joe with the voice box was awesome as shit
Parachutes were ready, bottle rockets were lit
Stood over the channel and shot ‘em off of a bridge
One day we were playin pogs, and I was about to win
And then you started goin off, chuckin the slammer at my head

The namedrop of this “Lisa” character without any further information felt a little lazy, to me, as there was a great opportunity missed there to give the reader some visual imagery and paint a mental image as to who she was - but we get nothing. It’s simple glossed over. A glaring plot device. Chekhov’s gun fired with no foreshadowing or misdirection. Again, there are ways this can be employed effectively, but that wasn’t done well here at all. It’s another missed opportunity to further develop the idea:

You never showed me you were sorry, it’s outrageous that I stayed
I should’ve known that this was just the budding stages of your rage
Now we’re 17-years old, and you still tell me that we’re boys
But anytime I’d get a girl, you’d get jealous and annoyed
And I never spoke up, I guess because I was afraid
So I tried to spend my time with Lisa, she was always a good lay

The opening couplet here didn’t even rhyme, which further solidifies my concern this was wrote rather erratically last minute. The dialogue section was an improvement, I enjoyed it, despite the polysyllabic rhyming etc in comparison with your opponents piece.

Until the day that you walked in on us and threw a fist across my face
I opened my eyes to the sound of her sobbing, it's obvious she had lost it
She told me how you forced yourself inside her while I laid nearby unconscious
That’s it, I told myself, this motherfucker is gonna die
I came home that night, and I begged my parents one more time:
“Can we please move?”
My mother asked to pass the rice
My father would rather toss me money than to ask about my eye
“Kids get into scuffles all the time, is it so wrong to assume that we thought everything was fine?”[/quote]

The Bobby Kent name drop with little else to further the character development beyond that again feels more of a hackneyed plot device being utilised than anything more. It’s lazy on your part. Show us who the character is, don’t just tell us, you know? The “asshole/have, so” rhyme is also an example of you forcing the rhyme because the comma would indicate a pause between the two words - and to make it rhyme as you intended, there would be no pause. Please take more care, time and effort when constructing these things:

Bobby Kent was the high school athlete, every teacher’s wet dream
No adult in this town thought to ask me if he’s really all what he seems
He’s a modern-day Eddie Haskel, a narcissistic asshole
And I’ll be damned if he gets the future that his daddy couldn’t have, so
I invited him out to the Everglades, said there was gonna be a party
He squeezed my shoulder on the way like, “You're my best friend, Marty.”

Now, I personally find these mentions of a “knife” and “slashed throats” and “rape” and whatnot in topical text battles really amateur hour writing and believe they should be left in the past. It doesn’t work. They don’t sound realistic or believable or shocking - they read more comedically and simply referencing an act happening without character development, emotion, visual imagery and some kind of combination of those three beforehand to give the reader a reason to become invested in a character enough to give a shit about what happens to them - it simply doesn’t work, it falls flat, it’s not shocking. It’s not an unexpected twist. Anyone who has done this thing of ours for a set amount of time knows these verses are ten a penny and can be found on every board ever. It’s played. It’s not fresh or new, it’s old hat. Do something different. Regurgitating the same thing that’s been done does nothing but stagnate the scene. So yeah, I wasn’t a fan of the ending:

What he didn’t know is that I brought my hunting knife
And when I jammed the blade into his gut, he said something like,
“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, whatever I did, please don’t kill me!”
His hands were jarring, and my bloody fingernails were filthy
I tackled him to the ground, it was so easy to get him down
Slashing his throat until the gurgling sounds drowned out of his mouth
Days later, I was arrested.
They wondered how a kid like me could get so aggressive
Well, as the product of a cozy middle American family,
Consider this crime my message.

After that lengthy breakdown; I’m at a complete disagreement with the other voter so far and am firmly in the belief Ender won this by some margin. It’s not even close IMHO.

[Scar]

ender, lulz cool concept my man. so this person is afraid to let loose because letting loose means releasing a kraken ha ha. ok this was a nice creative take on the topic. i didn't really like the format, but i can see why it was the way it was. the first section illustrated the anxiety of the character, which is crucial to the progression of the second section. i just wish it was more of a story as opposed to a soliloquy you know? i'm spoiled by your verse last week so maybe its due to some type of bias lulz. flow was nice and clean. one thing that stuck out to me was your transition. its very "low key", very understated. its there but like barely. you don't really match the scheme during transition but theres a connect there lulz. hard to explain but yeah. "Or in a confrontation, what I might learn about myself?" that was awesome.

bodey, this was great. i can definitely see that some of deadman's verse last week had some effect here as the greater part of the first act involves you painting in nostalgic acrylics. Very effective. Love how you netcees guys can do stuff like that in such frugal manner. the feel of this verse was very small time, suburb even without reading the final passage - which was fucking awesome! i read one of your post about you rushing this, and i can totally see it. It lacked a certain level of pathos that i've come to expect from your writing. This seems to be a total attempt at narrative. Usually you leave a bit of yourself in your verse but this seems to be plot driven. Nothing wrong with it, mind you but very uncharacteristic of your work lulz.

this is a fucking tough one. both of you guys seem to stepped out of your natural strength here. I enjoyed both verses. i think the one determining factor here is originality. although bodey was more epic in scope, i thought ender had a fresher angle as i felt i've read bodey's story a few times before. so with that

v/ender

[brokenhal0]

Ender - the wrath was there and the topic touched but i feel like you came off a bit scattered in the approach even tho it builds up...you defind wrath it in indirect ways i dig a good morose flex
the end of the verse could have been a bit more polished almost sounded like horrorcore which i understand why you would do it but the lyrics could have been tighter imo


Bodey - Just great emceeing all around you got your style you got the foundations and you put it together well in this piece like a quick lil glimpse into the mind of wrath your storytelling could have came off a lil more complex verbally but it still built a scene of the said topic some verses lacked that grizzlyness that i fw personally but good shit


v//bodey

[MMLP]

Ender - the beginning stanza was well put, great basis to work from. Some moments fell flat I'll say but you had a clear direction n stuck with it n never went off. It was technically fine. Nice smooth easy read, got a de Niro in taxi vibe at it towards the end which brought some needed imagery. Good stuff

Bodey - again at certain points I got a goodfellas, Sopranos vibe to it which gave the piece imagery. Makes a better impact on the reader. I will say enders was a smoother piece but this story was better n engaging. There was more life to it, not a technical masterpiece but ok enough, I do appreciate how hard it is at times whilst getting the points across

It comes down to the endings, both didnt land the way I wanted them to. Ender was technically better imo, they're both quite similar in what they're portraying, BUT with a little more life injected into the back story, I see the hows/ whys etc for the characters motivation in bodeys. He snatches the win here by a hair, can see why its proving divisive. Ain't mad at either result here

Good work guys! V/ bodey... just

[Adverse]

I liked Ender's style here, technical and straightforward there wasn't a whole lot of mystique to it but at the same time it wasn't super predictable either. There were some parts that grammatically read weird or just some phrases you used like "mohawked queer cunt" but that might just be a nitpicking thing on my part. Overall i thought this was a good verse but it could have been more of a compelling narrative, but the subject matter was very relevant to a lot of us and i can personally draw parallels to anger issues and whatnot.

Bodey, i liked your narrative a lot and the fact that it was based on a true story was a cool choice on your part especially because i feel like you have made a lot of personal pieces, as compared to this one which you wrote from the standpoint of a character. I liked this because it kind of felt like a cross of a Universe/dead man piece and you included things that conjured nostalgia. "Shooting bottle rockets, JNCO jeans etc" just made your writing human even though you were telling it from someone else's point of view. Nice job.

Bodey is the clear winner here in my eyes, just conjured more of an atmosphere in her verse and brought it to life a bit more. I liked Ender's verse because It was a technical spectacle but i think this one goes to Bodey i enjoyed hers more great job everyone.

V/Bodey

[Pharaohs Army]

Ender
I liked it for the most part. Thought 'crashing clout' was a reach for a rhyming phrase but that's nitpicking.
There is a palpable buildup of the main character going from fear to wrath.
Some confusion at first as to who was delivering the blows, but I think you did that intentionally so the final line would hit home harder.

Bodey
Interesting story; seems like I've seen it on a crime show before but I'm too lazy to google tha names.
You really showed that the guy was a POS, especially with the rape part.
For some reason I liked when your Mom's only response was to pass the rice.
Ignored, wrath consumes.

Preference battle, I was just a little more engaged with Bodey's story so she edges it. No disrespect to Ender who has showed he can bring it.