WEEK 4: brokenhal0 vs Objectve vs Inno - 4-2 INNO WINS

Scar · 04-17-2020, 11:10 PM

hal0, the flow and rhyme scheme was awesome. the rhyming was cool too. i like that aspect of your verse quite a bit yo. wave tidal lulz a bit of a force but it hit sounded really cool with the preceding line. so that aside, i was puzzled on the sudden change of tone. like the first half was written in this elegant manner then it got all slangy for some reason. first i thought it was about the devil with the creator first step bit then it turn into like life in the ghetto or something like that lulz.

objective, very cool allegory here my man. the manipulative way -abuse- of father tech on mother earth was a cleverly done. creative as it is, there were quite a few instances of weird wording like "mutual stealing" and "salvage their weeps" and "if only treason were us" huh? i did like this part in particular "As each others experiment he bring his hand to her cheeks
dirty as sewer pipes leading to creeks yet honest and sweet." that was great because it was concise and wasn't clad in layered complicated subtext you know?

inno, this verse shares similarity with objective and rightfully so based on the photo. its another allegory but this time instead of an abusive relationship, its a mother son dynamic. this verse was super poetic. at times, it even omit the topical sensibility of rhymescheme and went straight up poetry lulz. not a bad thing mind you, just an observation. the story was told in an endearing way and hit an emotional chord. i like the "beautiful" motif as it really hammer down the sentiment between son and mother.

vote i will cast my vote to inno. I thought his verse had less flaws than the other two but still able to convey a story with a message. nicely done gentlemen

04-17-2020, 11:10 PM	#1
Scar Senior Member Join Date: May 2019 Posts: 566 Battle Record: 7-5 Champed - Guerrilla Writing League Rep Power: 5689709	hal0, the flow and rhyme scheme was awesome. the rhyming was cool too. i like that aspect of your verse quite a bit yo. wave tidal lulz a bit of a force but it hit sounded really cool with the preceding line. so that aside, i was puzzled on the sudden change of tone. like the first half was written in this elegant manner then it got all slangy for some reason. first i thought it was about the devil with the creator first step bit then it turn into like life in the ghetto or something like that lulz. objective, very cool allegory here my man. the manipulative way -abuse- of father tech on mother earth was a cleverly done. creative as it is, there were quite a few instances of weird wording like "mutual stealing" and "salvage their weeps" and "if only treason were us" huh? i did like this part in particular "As each others experiment he bring his hand to her cheeks dirty as sewer pipes leading to creeks yet honest and sweet." that was great because it was concise and wasn't clad in layered complicated subtext you know? inno, this verse shares similarity with objective and rightfully so based on the photo. its another allegory but this time instead of an abusive relationship, its a mother son dynamic. this verse was super poetic. at times, it even omit the topical sensibility of rhymescheme and went straight up poetry lulz. not a bad thing mind you, just an observation. the story was told in an endearing way and hit an emotional chord. i like the "beautiful" motif as it really hammer down the sentiment between son and mother. vote i will cast my vote to inno. I thought his verse had less flaws than the other two but still able to convey a story with a message. nicely done gentlemen