John Dillinger vs Bleak[JD WINS]

PancakeBrah · 09-29-2018, 11:22 PM

JOHN DILLINGER - I enjoyed this verse quite a bit, despite the battle rap format. It was a battle rap topical. Every first line was a descriptor, and every second line except the 'jump on that canoe' was a wordplay or witty line. Kind of funny, not sure if it was intentional? Not coincidentally, I thought that 'jump on that canoe' couplet had the most personality of anything in the piece. It spoke to a youthful bravado that connected with the nostalgia color scheme of the painting. The 20 posts line was funny, although it kind of takes the reader out of the tone of your piece, something so internet and immediate. Pals & best weed <-> sound of jet skis was the smoothest rhyme in either entry. 'Got to those mountains' was good in the same way the canoe was. Captured the picture well, with some good highlights. Maybe just make a conscious effort to not battle rap lol. Or not? It seemed to work for you. An effortless and smooth read for the reader.

BLEAK - I thought your first four lines were a creative approach to the topic. You wrote obliquely about the photo, taking aspects of it to feed the aside point you wanted to make. But the more you wrote the more tangential, if it all existing, the connection to the topic became. Near the end it became a very broad, almost directionless. I liked your schemes.

Bleak had a decent verse that lost it's way a bit. John Dillinger entertained throughout. Thanks for the read, guys.

V/ JD

09-29-2018, 11:22 PM	#1
PancakeBrah SOBER Join Date: Jan 2013 Posts: 12,480 Battle Record: 2-5 Champed - AOWL Season 2 Rep Power: 85899407	JOHN DILLINGER - I enjoyed this verse quite a bit, despite the battle rap format. It was a battle rap topical. Every first line was a descriptor, and every second line except the 'jump on that canoe' was a wordplay or witty line. Kind of funny, not sure if it was intentional? Not coincidentally, I thought that 'jump on that canoe' couplet had the most personality of anything in the piece. It spoke to a youthful bravado that connected with the nostalgia color scheme of the painting. The 20 posts line was funny, although it kind of takes the reader out of the tone of your piece, something so internet and immediate. Pals & best weed <-> sound of jet skis was the smoothest rhyme in either entry. 'Got to those mountains' was good in the same way the canoe was. Captured the picture well, with some good highlights. Maybe just make a conscious effort to not battle rap lol. Or not? It seemed to work for you. An effortless and smooth read for the reader. BLEAK - I thought your first four lines were a creative approach to the topic. You wrote obliquely about the photo, taking aspects of it to feed the aside point you wanted to make. But the more you wrote the more tangential, if it all existing, the connection to the topic became. Near the end it became a very broad, almost directionless. I liked your schemes. Bleak had a decent verse that lost it's way a bit. John Dillinger entertained throughout. Thanks for the read, guys. V/ JD __________________ Netcees 2025 Revivalist Movement Founder