Delete.

Pharaohs Army · 07-19-2018, 02:50 AM

Interesting.
This has a good cadence to it, for the most part.
The 'murdered wife and teen' seemed to come out of nowhere.
But then the whole point of this is to wipe that memory away?

she was basically a "dime"
that fit the rhyme but this slang seemed to deviate from the rest of the piece. maybe you could do without that phrasing.

"Hi, I'm Beth."
"Nice to meet you. My name's Jeff."
"I'll escort you, mind your step"
These are nice little rhymes. I like it.

just a a couple minor typos I saw 'advice' should be 'advise', and 'sleep' should be 'asleep'.

"I'm resigning in a week.Then I'm flying right to Greece
to live my life on a beach, that resides in between
From a technical standpoint, do you really need the word 'right'?
I think it works better if you just say 'I'm resigning in a week. Then I'm flying to Greece.'

Anyway man, cool story.
I've read it a few times but I'm not sure I totally get it. Thinking of a perfect memory does that make Bryan and Denice come back to life? Or is the memory just erased?

07-19-2018, 02:50 AM	#16
Pharaohs Army Banned Join Date: Aug 2014 Posts: 2,956 Battle Record: 6 - 14 Rep Power: 0	Interesting. This has a good cadence to it, for the most part. The 'murdered wife and teen' seemed to come out of nowhere. But then the whole point of this is to wipe that memory away? she was basically a "dime" that fit the rhyme but this slang seemed to deviate from the rest of the piece. maybe you could do without that phrasing. "Hi, I'm Beth." "Nice to meet you. My name's Jeff." "I'll escort you, mind your step" These are nice little rhymes. I like it. just a a couple minor typos I saw 'advice' should be 'advise', and 'sleep' should be 'asleep'. "I'm resigning in a week.Then I'm flying right to Greece to live my life on a beach, that resides in between From a technical standpoint, do you really need the word 'right'? I think it works better if you just say 'I'm resigning in a week. Then I'm flying to Greece.' Anyway man, cool story. I've read it a few times but I'm not sure I totally get it. Thinking of a perfect memory does that make Bryan and Denice come back to life? Or is the memory just erased?