Politikalypse

[Pronotfound]

I can't stand this, my thoughts are growing outlandish, and all my old homies starting to vanish
The worst part about it is you can't tell I'm hurting or in pain at first glances, everybody just minding they're stances
I realized I haven't even reached my prime, yet I'm turning to a past phenomenon, it's like the rise of the Armageddon is coming early, they started dropping bombs in Lebanon
nearing the end, like the Mariner who killed the albatross, and never been fake, always been real, honestly don't know how to cross
can't look past my flaws, can't tell right from wrong, done did things I can't tell my Moms, guess I got real life problems to drop
kinda wishing that this depression can't stop, leaving me with a repression of the presence of thoughts, thought I fought hard but I guess my progression is flawed
Sought closure, composure reminiscent of a soldier, with the weight of two worlds on my shoulder, living a double life, wish this plight was over
maybe I can see the silver light and finally meet my composer also known as The controller
of my negative thoughts, distraught and withdrawn, spawn my immortal pawn, kill all that have wronged my prolonged existence abroad
Brought my own style to the table, reminiscent of a storyteller telling preeminent fables, Profound Pupils, no need for labels
the rebel out here flipping tables, inspired by the old-head back in the day flippin turntables, just to make a meal
Feel the zeal, Surreal reality, with fields of teal, an ideal revelation
the type to change a nation, the same type to lead a sinner to salvation and led the homeless to starvation
when the rich stopped giving out donations, leaving the rest of us with no passion resting in damnation
My mind is speaking foreign languages to some, you need translation?
combination of aggravation, mixed with a little innovation and concentration
illuminating those around me as I wait in anticipation or maybe all of this is in my imagination

[Twodrop]

no

[Pronotfound]

Originally Posted by Twodrop

no

Oh ok

[Introvert]

[Multipost, and I can't delete it?]

[Introvert]

[Multipost, and I can't delete it?]

[Introvert]

The biggest issue, for me, is that so many of the words feel forced in order to keep the rhyme scheme. It's a multi-intensive piece, which is fine, but it feels like multis for multis' sake. I'm going to put all of the lines I think are extremely forced in below:

everybody just minding they're stances
they started dropping bombs in Lebanon
honestly don't know how to cross
guess I got real life problems to drop
kinda wishing that this depression can't stop,
meet my composer also known as The controller
spawn my immortal pawn,
reminiscent of a storyteller telling preeminent fables,
lead a sinner to salvation and led the homeless to starvation

There are others in there, but these are the biggest offenders. Most of these have no meaning outside the scheme you've put together.

Like, why Lebanon in particular? What does it mean to have real life problems to drop? Why do you wish the depression can't(can?) stop?

The answer is, they don't fit. You could cut most of the lyrics in this to pull together something meaningful:

I can't stand this, my thoughts are growing outlandish,
and all my old homies starting to vanish
nearing the end, like the Mariner who killed the albatross,
can't look past my flaws,
done did things I can't tell my Moms,
leaving me with a repression of the presence of thoughts,
thought I fought hard but I guess my progression is flawed
Sought closure, wish this plight was over
maybe I can see the silver light and finally meet my composer
of my negative thoughts, distraught and withdrawn,
the rebel out here flipping tables,
inspired by the old-head back in the day flippin turntables,

Sometimes less is more. Obviously, you'll need to go in and play around with the second version if you choose to take this advice, but this is a much better jump-off point for clarity's sake. There are enough good lines here to build off of. For example:

Why are your homies starting to vanish? Why is the speaker depressed? What makes the speaker a rebel? What plight are they going through exactly? Is it the death of friends? Guilt? All of the above? If so, expand on THAT part.

[Pronotfound]

Originally Posted by Introvert

The biggest issue, for me, is that so many of the words feel forced in order to keep the rhyme scheme. It's a multi-intensive piece, which is fine, but it feels like multis for multis' sake. I'm going to put all of the lines I think are extremely forced in below:



There are others in there, but these are the biggest offenders. Most of these have no meaning outside the scheme you've put together.

Like, why Lebanon in particular? What does it mean to have real life problems to drop? Why do you wish the depression can't(can?) stop?

The answer is, they don't fit. You could cut most of the lyrics in this to pull together something meaningful:



Sometimes less is more. Obviously, you'll need to go in and play around with the second version if you choose to take this advice, but this is a much better jump-off point for clarity's sake. There are enough good lines here to build off of. For example:

Why are your homies starting to vanish? Why is the speaker depressed? What makes the speaker a rebel? What plight are they going through exactly? Is it the death of friends? Guilt? All of the above? If so, expand on THAT part.

Yeah it's meant to be Can on that line. This was an older piece I did (2015-2016?) When the Arab Spring was going down so there was riots all over the middle East. I was kind of in a dark space in my head and lost a lot of my who I thought were close friends. I appreciate the constructive criticism, I've improved more since then but thought this would be a nice written to share here.

[Mr. J]

Your structure gave me all sorts of nausea right now..

Ill be back later

[Pharaohs Army]

Right away I'm hung up on "everybody just minding they're stances".
That seems like a forced phrase and it should be Their*

I will have to get over it and read the rest of it.