If Only She Knew

Pinot Grij · 09-28-2017, 12:51 PM

Hey man -- I liked this much better than the other piece I just read from you. More technical display. More unpredictable rhyming, which keeps things fresh.

"I’m not saying these guys are worthless but I'm saying compared to me they're worth less."
I thought this line was really cool.

I thought the whole piece would work a little better if you added more of a sarcastic feel to it and made it more comedic about a loser that's obsessed with a woman that doesn't want him.. but that's just my personal preference.

09-28-2017, 12:51 PM	#1
Pinot Grij Senior Member Join Date: Jul 2013 Posts: 863 Battle Record: 23-19 Accomplishments - OM HOF Champed - Fight Night 2 - Write Week V - Netcees Battle League (2x) - Winter Topical II - 1-2 Punch league Rep Power: 29195064	Hey man -- I liked this much better than the other piece I just read from you. More technical display. More unpredictable rhyming, which keeps things fresh. "I’m not saying these guys are worthless but I'm saying compared to me they're worth less." I thought this line was really cool. I thought the whole piece would work a little better if you added more of a sarcastic feel to it and made it more comedic about a loser that's obsessed with a woman that doesn't want him.. but that's just my personal preference. __________________ Topical C.R.E.A.M.