I Walk This Path

[sral]

I liked the idea, and you did it perhaps more justice than some I've seen. You flipped the scheme back and forth that worked well in some areas, but the none-rhyming ending lines really did little for me if I'm completely honest.

So, sorry that I've been so distant, I,
Trapped my mind in a vacant room, and,
Armed myself with a lack of vision, I,
Neglected the fact that the time had changed, and,
Deep inside I've been broken beyond belief. FUCK!

Putting this non-rhyming section second, and so early in the piece, maybe hurt it a little IMO - especially as it follows directly after such a rhyming mosaic opener with the same multi-string. Maybe you were trying to show some versatility, in the fact you could rhyme heavily and then go off on a poetic tangent, but for me personally it didn't mesh together so well.

The trouble with rhyming so intricately while adhering to such a rigid rhyme scheme is that you can get too caught up in it all, like you did here:

Turbulent tragedy; Forever fractured,
Hurting so bad, you see; Forever backwards.

"Hurting so bad, you see" feels so clunky and out of place, just tossed in to keep up the rhyme scheme. Sure, it could be remedied pretty easily with a better word/rhyme choice but small things like this become magnified when you draw attention to the rhymes themselves by putting the verse together in this way. It may only be a minor thing, but it becomes a lot more noticeable when you draw the readers attention to it. I would never rhyme forever with forever, either, but maybe thats just me. I don't hold that against you.

That said, when you're on point, you're on point. This section came together real nicely to me, I enjoyed it a lot:

So, I painted a picture, please let me describe it,
It's a face, furrowed brow and heavy set eyelids.
Narrowed, gaunt cheeks, pale lips and a frown -
A single dry tear, yet this is where ships come to drown.

It flowed more naturally, came off pretty effortless even though there's clearly a lot of effort exerted in those first three lines in particular. This is what you should be looking to do throughout the entire thing. It reads nicer, it doesnt feel so caught up in the rhyme scheme and mechanics of it all. It allows you room to breath, and your wording is better for it. This is definitely more suited to your style.

Keep that pen moving!