unhinged

UnbornBuddha · 07-17-2016, 09:27 PM

I would respectfully disagree with Veritas. While yes, there is a certain sense of ambiguity, astray from pure coherency. Yet, what emerges instead is a pattern based chaos that has an incredibly detailed journey within its ruts.
There's an innocence to it, as exemplified in the usage of children lore, but there's also this sense of pivoting from it and a psychotic break. As if between these two shades, exists an equilibrium. Now there were some lines or couplets I found a bit nonsensical.
I.e. "no window frames in the hallway
to suck dry, dried-love tongue-tied in antagonizing remaining trysts"

Now each line works okay by itself, but when paired close to each other they just don't complement each other. From a transition standpoint. There were other instances where this discordance occurs. That said I enjoyed how you swiveled between a metaphoric romantic tryst and the antagonistic force. Perhaps the latter is a catalyst for the former to be able to subsist untainted.

Thank you for the read. I very much enjoyed it.

07-17-2016, 09:27 PM	#4
UnbornBuddha Senior Member Join Date: Jul 2014 Posts: 1,008 Battle Record: 23-10 Champed - Art of Writing League - AOWL Season 5 Rep Power: 23856379	I would respectfully disagree with Veritas. While yes, there is a certain sense of ambiguity, astray from pure coherency. Yet, what emerges instead is a pattern based chaos that has an incredibly detailed journey within its ruts. There's an innocence to it, as exemplified in the usage of children lore, but there's also this sense of pivoting from it and a psychotic break. As if between these two shades, exists an equilibrium. Now there were some lines or couplets I found a bit nonsensical. I.e. "no window frames in the hallway to suck dry, dried-love tongue-tied in antagonizing remaining trysts" Now each line works okay by itself, but when paired close to each other they just don't complement each other. From a transition standpoint. There were other instances where this discordance occurs. That said I enjoyed how you swiveled between a metaphoric romantic tryst and the antagonistic force. Perhaps the latter is a catalyst for the former to be able to subsist untainted. Thank you for the read. I very much enjoyed it.