Week 12: Asylum vs. Mr. J [MR. J 3-2]

Artifice · 05-26-2016, 09:01 AM

Okay, I had to look up the name Conker cuz it didn't ring a bell to me, and now Mr. J's verse makes perfect sense. I assumed on my first read there was a reference I didn't know, and Conker was it.

Cool verse here J. While from a technical standpoint it's not your strongest piece, you deliver the goods in flipping your topic. A couple slant rhymes that read like a bit of a stretch to me, and a couple places with single syllable rhymes where I think you could've probably reworded to increase the rhyme without sacrificing content.

Asylum, this was alright. It felt kind of rushed though tbh. The flow feels stretched in a couple of places, and the way you transition from the earthquake/chasm plot to the zombie plot feels a little jolting. Like we just jumped from one plot developing to a completely different plot developing. In the end you tied them together with the apocalypse but it just felt like it could have been more flushed out.

With a more well-rounded verse imo, Mr. J takes this one.

v/ Mr. J

05-26-2016, 09:01 AM	#3
Artifice Senior Member Join Date: Mar 2016 Posts: 269 Battle Record: 17-9 Champed - Art Of Writing League - GWL Picture Challenge Rep Power: 3944949	Okay, I had to look up the name Conker cuz it didn't ring a bell to me, and now Mr. J's verse makes perfect sense. I assumed on my first read there was a reference I didn't know, and Conker was it. Cool verse here J. While from a technical standpoint it's not your strongest piece, you deliver the goods in flipping your topic. A couple slant rhymes that read like a bit of a stretch to me, and a couple places with single syllable rhymes where I think you could've probably reworded to increase the rhyme without sacrificing content. Asylum, this was alright. It felt kind of rushed though tbh. The flow feels stretched in a couple of places, and the way you transition from the earthquake/chasm plot to the zombie plot feels a little jolting. Like we just jumped from one plot developing to a completely different plot developing. In the end you tied them together with the apocalypse but it just felt like it could have been more flushed out. With a more well-rounded verse imo, Mr. J takes this one. v/ Mr. J