Week 11: Asylum vs Witty [WITTY 6-1 ADJUSTED 2-1 WIITY]

Razah · 05-19-2016, 12:56 AM

Asylum, I feel a little iffy about certain rhyme schemes you used. Some were really dope, some felt out of place.

Sometimes when I dig through empty pockets I laugh, no wonder they passed.
Some pray it will pass.. yet we know there’s no escape from the yellow gas,

That part was flowing so smooth until it got to the end rhyme. You don't always need a multi to keep the flow smooth, but the location (the note the rhyme words land on) felt off. Also, not a fan of how you ended. Plot / Thought doesn't rhyme to me at all, I would expect that kind of rhyme from Baron / MMLP or something, but yeahhh.. threw me off. Other wise, a solid verse.

Witty, very solid opening.

The sun climbs the morning sky, scoarching the fettered land
By lunch time it's casting rays like a torch in the desert sand
Mirages - distorted views, contorted but never bland
As a bullet enters the chamber from the force of a weathered hand

Besides the spelling error, this was very smooth. I also liked the fat lady line, kinda' wish you would've kept that scheme going but still, a simple but nice touch. The twist at the end was pretty cool, overall, an enjoyable verse.

I liked Witty's verse a lot more than Asylum's verse. I think he edged him on everything, concept, flow, wording.. Good shit from both but Witty had the better verse in my eyes.

vWitty

05-19-2016, 12:56 AM	#7
Razah rockkFresh Join Date: Apr 2015 Location: Chicago. Posts: 1,088 Battle Record: 8-10 Champed - Art of Writing League Rep Power: 11328545	Asylum, I feel a little iffy about certain rhyme schemes you used. Some were really dope, some felt out of place. Sometimes when I dig through empty pockets I laugh, no wonder they passed. Some pray it will pass.. yet we know there’s no escape from the yellow gas, That part was flowing so smooth until it got to the end rhyme. You don't always need a multi to keep the flow smooth, but the location (the note the rhyme words land on) felt off. Also, not a fan of how you ended. Plot / Thought doesn't rhyme to me at all, I would expect that kind of rhyme from Baron / MMLP or something, but yeahhh.. threw me off. Other wise, a solid verse. Witty, very solid opening. The sun climbs the morning sky, scoarching the fettered land By lunch time it's casting rays like a torch in the desert sand Mirages - distorted views, contorted but never bland As a bullet enters the chamber from the force of a weathered hand Besides the spelling error, this was very smooth. I also liked the fat lady line, kinda' wish you would've kept that scheme going but still, a simple but nice touch. The twist at the end was pretty cool, overall, an enjoyable verse. I liked Witty's verse a lot more than Asylum's verse. I think he edged him on everything, concept, flow, wording.. Good shit from both but Witty had the better verse in my eyes. vWitty