Week 11: Frank vs Mr. J [TIE]

UnbornBuddha · 05-18-2016, 09:43 PM

Mr J: The connection between some stanzas and others differs in its transition, some coalesce nicely while others the transition is more murky. Also there were quite a few elements that were unclear. I think the 4th stanza to me is a bit muddled and introduces elements that were never really depicted beforehand. Who is his friend's companion, before this there were only 3 characters that were spoken of, the guy that was imprisoned, his wife and child, as well as the acquaintance. I thought that stanza could have been stronger, so as to facilitate and smooth the story along. Also the job at the end was told very hastily and made it seem quite unimpactful.
I really liked the ending though, it was good. It's the kind of thing that etches into your mind.

Frank: One thing to say is that whatever rhyme you choose to continue for the rest of the narrative sometimes makes or breaks the actual narrative. Mostly because if the scheme is not good then it makes the whole story kind of unappealing. But, this scheme I liked. Glowing clitoris, lol, really? I do find there is an over usage of adjectives, and sometimes you end the line with an adjective and makes the sentence feel incomplete. There were some problematic aspects to the wording, but the imagery and the narrative was quite vivid and kept my interest. It was also quite humorous, in its own quirky way.

Vote: Frank (I think his ambition here and the details involved bested J)

05-18-2016, 09:43 PM	#4
UnbornBuddha Senior Member Join Date: Jul 2014 Posts: 1,008 Battle Record: 23-10 Champed - Art of Writing League - AOWL Season 5 Rep Power: 23856379	Mr J: The connection between some stanzas and others differs in its transition, some coalesce nicely while others the transition is more murky. Also there were quite a few elements that were unclear. I think the 4th stanza to me is a bit muddled and introduces elements that were never really depicted beforehand. Who is his friend's companion, before this there were only 3 characters that were spoken of, the guy that was imprisoned, his wife and child, as well as the acquaintance. I thought that stanza could have been stronger, so as to facilitate and smooth the story along. Also the job at the end was told very hastily and made it seem quite unimpactful. I really liked the ending though, it was good. It's the kind of thing that etches into your mind. Frank: One thing to say is that whatever rhyme you choose to continue for the rest of the narrative sometimes makes or breaks the actual narrative. Mostly because if the scheme is not good then it makes the whole story kind of unappealing. But, this scheme I liked. Glowing clitoris, lol, really? I do find there is an over usage of adjectives, and sometimes you end the line with an adjective and makes the sentence feel incomplete. There were some problematic aspects to the wording, but the imagery and the narrative was quite vivid and kept my interest. It was also quite humorous, in its own quirky way. Vote: Frank (I think his ambition here and the details involved bested J)