Week 9: (3-3) Breathless vs. (6-2) Frank (BREATHLESS WINS 5-1)

NYCSPITZ · 05-05-2016, 01:31 AM

Frank I thought it was cool but some shit is just redundant like "waning cycles fading"...you already said it's a waning cycle, so why would you need to say it's fading...when waning already means the moon is fading? "yo hold up my running legs are jogging" You see that? Overall it's an enticing verse but some things you say just don't make sense, like if the wife is faithful and touching herself thinking her husband is also faithful, isn't that sort of christian and not really geared toward a "depraved vagina"? There were numerous other instances where the verbiage was overwrought and weighed the verse down, but I gotta give creative points. Also all of your endings are sort of abrupt twists, maybe you should switch it up and try gradually leading to an ending and the twist at the end is more subtle, like a thought the main character or secondary character has instead of always being a narrative twist.

breathless was a cool verse, sort of depressing when you think of it but I felt what it contained was to the point. It's sort of nihilistic and even pessimistic in tonality but I think it connects strongly to the topic provided. I would have been interested in seeing what you could have done writing about somebody who seems to have it all, friends family etc and still feels lonely as that would require perhaps more nuance and subtlety. Nice verse nonetheless.

V/ breathless

05-05-2016, 01:31 AM	#7
NYCSPITZ SYRACUSE Join Date: Jan 2013 Posts: 4,031 Battle Record: 31-37 Champed - Write Night II - Alias Topical Tournament Rep Power: 4743547	Frank I thought it was cool but some shit is just redundant like "waning cycles fading"...you already said it's a waning cycle, so why would you need to say it's fading...when waning already means the moon is fading? "yo hold up my running legs are jogging" You see that? Overall it's an enticing verse but some things you say just don't make sense, like if the wife is faithful and touching herself thinking her husband is also faithful, isn't that sort of christian and not really geared toward a "depraved vagina"? There were numerous other instances where the verbiage was overwrought and weighed the verse down, but I gotta give creative points. Also all of your endings are sort of abrupt twists, maybe you should switch it up and try gradually leading to an ending and the twist at the end is more subtle, like a thought the main character or secondary character has instead of always being a narrative twist. breathless was a cool verse, sort of depressing when you think of it but I felt what it contained was to the point. It's sort of nihilistic and even pessimistic in tonality but I think it connects strongly to the topic provided. I would have been interested in seeing what you could have done writing about somebody who seems to have it all, friends family etc and still feels lonely as that would require perhaps more nuance and subtlety. Nice verse nonetheless. V/ breathless __________________ UNIFIED THEORY