Week 7: Adverse vs. Breathless (ADVERSE WINS 10-0 SHUTOUT)

Pharaohs Army · 04-20-2016, 07:32 AM

V/ Adverse

adverse-
Thought yours was really good & flowed well
The contrast was cool&well done

some of the early descriptions were generic, but with the tone of this piece that was actually beneficial, i thought.

Part of me wants to tell you to end it abruptly without the friends revealing things, or instead, having the narrator reveal instead of the friends.
But that's more of a creative brainstorm than a critique related to voting.

Breathless-
Breathless, anxious, feeling faint, lips pressed together as I decide what to open with.
Lol. Dope, if it's intentional... considering your little qualifier before you began. U kno I love that kinda shit.. And if it wasn't intentional then that line is conceptually dope by coincidence.

Basically the concept is here-- Given more time you could make this really good
It's a cool/powerful idea, this piece seems a rough skeleton of where you wanted to go if you had really delved in...
The 3rd stanza for example.... That's the one where I see what the whole thing "could be"

Some of your rhyme schemeing is a lil' different than a bunch of other people's I've read.. I think i missed a couple on my first read... Got'um... It's refreshing so don't conform.

Interesting read but I can't vote it ahead of adverse's verse

04-20-2016, 07:32 AM	#12
Pharaohs Army Banned Join Date: Aug 2014 Posts: 2,956 Battle Record: 6 - 14 Rep Power: 0	V/ Adverse adverse- Thought yours was really good & flowed well The contrast was cool&well done some of the early descriptions were generic, but with the tone of this piece that was actually beneficial, i thought. Part of me wants to tell you to end it abruptly without the friends revealing things, or instead, having the narrator reveal instead of the friends. But that's more of a creative brainstorm than a critique related to voting. Breathless- Breathless, anxious, feeling faint, lips pressed together as I decide what to open with. Lol. Dope, if it's intentional... considering your little qualifier before you began. U kno I love that kinda shit.. And if it wasn't intentional then that line is conceptually dope by coincidence. Basically the concept is here-- Given more time you could make this really good It's a cool/powerful idea, this piece seems a rough skeleton of where you wanted to go if you had really delved in... The 3rd stanza for example.... That's the one where I see what the whole thing "could be" Some of your rhyme schemeing is a lil' different than a bunch of other people's I've read.. I think i missed a couple on my first read... Got'um... It's refreshing so don't conform. Interesting read but I can't vote it ahead of adverse's verse