Week 3: Artifice vs. Asylum (ASYLUM WINS 7-2)

UnbornBuddha · 03-20-2016, 03:20 PM

This was excellent.

Artifice: Like Mr. J said, this was very impressive for your first showing. I loved the incorporation of the topic with the subtle metaphorical nuance that you revealed at the end. It was well done, however there were some mishaps that I feel could have been addressed, the flame'll crackle being one of them. And I get what you did grammatically, but it just looks weird to use a contraction there without the other aspect of it. It was good though.

Asylum: I loved the ending, very impactful. One possible blunder I felt was the first couplet, rhyming speed with fluttering, while it kind of rhymes, it just too much of a slant rhyme for your first couplet, something more precise for your introductory clause is important, nothing should be questionable, later on the slant rhyme is okay. You humanized this character very much and it was applaudable how humane of a depiction you conveyed.

In one hand I enjoyed Artice topic a little better, but I felt Asylum here writing was stronger, albeit Artice did a great job as well.

I'm going to go for: Asylum

03-20-2016, 03:20 PM	#6
UnbornBuddha Senior Member Join Date: Jul 2014 Posts: 1,008 Battle Record: 23-10 Champed - Art of Writing League - AOWL Season 5 Rep Power: 23856379	This was excellent. Artifice: Like Mr. J said, this was very impressive for your first showing. I loved the incorporation of the topic with the subtle metaphorical nuance that you revealed at the end. It was well done, however there were some mishaps that I feel could have been addressed, the flame'll crackle being one of them. And I get what you did grammatically, but it just looks weird to use a contraction there without the other aspect of it. It was good though. Asylum: I loved the ending, very impactful. One possible blunder I felt was the first couplet, rhyming speed with fluttering, while it kind of rhymes, it just too much of a slant rhyme for your first couplet, something more precise for your introductory clause is important, nothing should be questionable, later on the slant rhyme is okay. You humanized this character very much and it was applaudable how humane of a depiction you conveyed. In one hand I enjoyed Artice topic a little better, but I felt Asylum here writing was stronger, albeit Artice did a great job as well. I'm going to go for: Asylum