Week 3: The Law vs. Breathless (BREATHLESS WINS 6-5)

[UnbornBuddha]

TheLaw: This is the first work I remember reading from you, I can't remember your past work, albeit I've seen you give feed in the past. Interesting title for the piece, a world of irony. Ironic, indeed. The piece had its ups and downs. The downs were some of the word choices were offputting, which you kind of did just for the sake of rhyme. The -ation rhyme scheme is always a tricky one, in many respects the -ation suffix encompasses a lot of good words, but it can be very novice if not properly utilized in an unconventional fashion. "class of amputation" for example is kind of a strange choice of words. I personally don't think splintery is a bad word choice. The narrative and theme were okay, I found no fault and enjoyed it. I loved this image "grungy human scenery" its very strong to me.

Breathless: This is extremely poetic. It doesn't really fall into the rap category, I feel. I really can't say much, I think it was well executed. It had a simplicity to it, but it also has this surreal aura to it that made the whole piece feels transcendent, in a good way. The words that came to mind to describe the essence of your piece is "Beautiful pain". An oscillative state between misery and pleasure, but ultimately pain won out.

Vote goes to: Breathless

[Pinot Grij]

The Law

I really didn't like "bottom pits" - but the rhyme scheme otherwise was dope. Rapid fire pacing, really fucking cool.
Next quartet of lines is not as smoothly paced - I really think you could've done something ridiculously dope with the alcohol flowing / banks account drying up juxtaposition. I wish you did.
A class of amputation? - Nah, that's really awkward wording. I feel things going off the rails a bit here.
a copious of shivering, frozen while its six degrees - rhymes well, but "copious of shivering" doesn't make any sense, it's a grammatical abomination
I like your twist ending, but it was too brief - almost felt like a throwaway. If you spent less time describing his life on the streets (which was an approach that I don't really think worked for you), then you could've elaborated on his theories being accepted and revered over time. I think you had a really auspicious start, but I was disappointed with where the piece went after an incredible first 4 lines.

Breathless

I like the scene-setting, but I think some of the word choice and rhyming is a little choppy.

Next quartet of lines is good - the tense shift in the third line is a bit awkward though and "man's gone" feels weird with the scheme.

I don't like the phrase "sheen of emotion".
The scene comes to a close - dope near-rhyme to start the next line though.

Next stanza is dope - but again, I dont really like the wording of "killed by a gun". The passive construction ruins the emotion that she felt. She actively shot him, right? Then you should construct the statement in an active tense to give ownership to your character.

I feel both battlers made cheap mistakes with diction. I really don't want to vote for either, but I already wrote all this shit, so I guess I have to. I think I gotta go with The Law based on the potential that lied within the storyline. The opener was dope af and I liked the approach, but the execution fell off as things went along. In addition, I feel like Breathless' verse is more easily forgettable because it lacks flair and character.

Vote -- The Law