Week 2: MMLP vs. Maximus (MMLP WINS 6-2)

UnbornBuddha · 03-14-2016, 08:31 PM

MMLP: The direction you took has huge risk. Addressing Netcees is almost always a minus, the only thing that rectified that for me was the piece as a whole. Some readers commentated that you are mechanically in the same spectrum as Lars, but perhaps not on the same level, few are though. I think while the influence is obvious, which is adapting a straight talk, no-filler kind of style of his, there is also a sense of your own touch. But, I would really like to see you develop more your own writing, one that isn't dependent so much on your companion's legacy. I say this because I've read open mic pieces where you two collab, and while you both contrast nicely, I feel like you should metamorphosize into your own trajectory. Stylistic variation might help achieve this, but perhaps there is another way. I enjoyed the piece, even with the Netcees theme, which quite frankly is cheap. But, since the topic was Saturday night, it does add some humor that Netcees is sadly part of our weekend experience. So it didn't backfire, but I still don't like it.

Maximus: Your first verse vs. the second is so different. It doesn't contrast nicely. You went from talk of self-fornication to scriptural language that was supposed to embody the holiness experienced when you write a verse. That said I did think there was humor, something expected from another writer that has gone missing as of late, Copypat. While, there are other writers who write humorously like Pinot, his humor is always based on plot, while Copy's and yours is more humorous on an individual line basis. The problem with the verse was the very jarring contrast between the first and second stanza. I enjoyed the theme more so than MMLP, who addressed Netcees, but in his case the whole verse worked well as a unit, yours didn't. Still I enjoyed the writing, and it is obvious you are coming into fruition.

So, my vote goes to MMLP

03-14-2016, 08:31 PM	#10
UnbornBuddha Senior Member Join Date: Jul 2014 Posts: 1,008 Battle Record: 23-10 Champed - Art of Writing League - AOWL Season 5 Rep Power: 23856379	MMLP: The direction you took has huge risk. Addressing Netcees is almost always a minus, the only thing that rectified that for me was the piece as a whole. Some readers commentated that you are mechanically in the same spectrum as Lars, but perhaps not on the same level, few are though. I think while the influence is obvious, which is adapting a straight talk, no-filler kind of style of his, there is also a sense of your own touch. But, I would really like to see you develop more your own writing, one that isn't dependent so much on your companion's legacy. I say this because I've read open mic pieces where you two collab, and while you both contrast nicely, I feel like you should metamorphosize into your own trajectory. Stylistic variation might help achieve this, but perhaps there is another way. I enjoyed the piece, even with the Netcees theme, which quite frankly is cheap. But, since the topic was Saturday night, it does add some humor that Netcees is sadly part of our weekend experience. So it didn't backfire, but I still don't like it. Maximus: Your first verse vs. the second is so different. It doesn't contrast nicely. You went from talk of self-fornication to scriptural language that was supposed to embody the holiness experienced when you write a verse. That said I did think there was humor, something expected from another writer that has gone missing as of late, Copypat. While, there are other writers who write humorously like Pinot, his humor is always based on plot, while Copy's and yours is more humorous on an individual line basis. The problem with the verse was the very jarring contrast between the first and second stanza. I enjoyed the theme more so than MMLP, who addressed Netcees, but in his case the whole verse worked well as a unit, yours didn't. Still I enjoyed the writing, and it is obvious you are coming into fruition. So, my vote goes to MMLP