Week 1: Asylum vs. Frank (FRANK WINS SHUT OUT 7-0)

[asylum]

Season 6

Verses are due SATURDAY 3/5 at 12:59 PST. THERE ARE NO EXTENSIONS.

Voting ends MONDAY 3/7 at 12:59 PST.

Verses may not exceed 16 lines

Voting on four battles is required. If you win and don't vote the requirement you will receive a loss instead. If you lose and don't vote the requirement, you will receive a one-week suspension. Please post links to your four votes in the voting thread.

Topic: Tangerine

Good luck to both participants. @asylum @Frank

[asylum]

She bit a juicy piece, let out a little citrus squirt,
delicious, pure, little bits dribbled off her lips I heard..
as the drops released their grip, from the bottom of her chin,
and fell in front her chest; I caught a breath deep within.
My chest, as our reflection hung in the droplet,
and both our eyes opened, seeing sights microscope,
the glint of the sun and the tops of the trees,
moved forward as the speed of the droplets increased.
Turning brown as it reflected the dirt, reflecting it’s worth,
I Inspected the earth, full as far as your breakfast’s concerned,
With text I will earn the next to be burned at sea upon a warriors casket,
Imploring the masses to explore the last way to make ends meat,
My intentions complete. Feel my extension, rinse wash and repeat,
Still hope I’m mentioned only in the future I dream.
Hold onto your sutures and scream as lost limbs are disconnected,
Reflections of our past present.
Our last presence taxes everyone resembling human beings.

[Frank]

Lee peered through the kitchen blinds at his growing gardens Grandest Tree
The orange sun light kisses his forehead, turning his sweat rancidly sweet
The aromatic breeze drying the fabric of sheets. Swirling clouds: candid mystique.
Lee examined the leaf, looking for damaging teeth: Creepy crawly famine disease
Kneeling down; into the soil; onto his arthritic bandaged knees: with balance and ease,
Lee pleaded with the Seasons in a manic speech: waving his cane, made of branches
deceased
Lee uses his hand to see: panting beads forming as he scanned the serene -
Yellow-Orangish vanishing gleam... Lee's wife in the doorway, inaudible in her baking apron like enchanting dreams
Spreading jam on a piece of toast, she watches from the window: orientally fanning displeased...
The southern peninsula overlooked the microscopic cities bustling metropolis: the trams phantom debris
Businesses depended on this man Lee for his profitable crops that yielded year after year from his native land of Beijing
Lee's neighbors kids play jovially and jubilantly in their backyard on trampolines
Lee plants a seed, watering it with a pail with a handle that leaks as it transfers the stream -
They say you reap what you sow: that the fruits of our labor are prepared to eat
With less then the span of a week, Lee is forced to abort, cutting it short with his advantageous tree: as A Panda flees
Ripe for the picking, he reaches into his orange patch, pulling off The Tangerine

[Alice White]

Thought this was an enjoyable read from both of you!

asylum -
You incorporated some very good imagery, particularly in the beginning bar. The approach you took was rather interesting with the detailed visualisation of the scenery. It was different enough. I really thought this was a very great read up until the middle section, where you started to include a rather abstract tone. I tend to write abstract too, so I caught the concept of it. It can actually help to enhance the narrative to a certain degree, but I enjoyed the directness of your first half of the verse more and would have therefore hoped to see the scheme employed throughout the whole verse, since it's based on a specific line length. Your last line, then, provided the clarity I was so fond of from your beginning bars. The flow was more or less smooth and your rhyming patterns were decent. Nice work overall.

Frank -
What I really liked about this was the rather unconventional, yet consistent scheme here.
It contributed greatly to a smooth read. Content-wise, it was a very good depiction of a rather "direct" storyline, I also liked the incorporation of the character from the very beginning. I enjoyed the narrative as well, you had terrific imagery and very interesting vocabulary, such as the reference to the debris. The entertaining factor of your ending bars was great. I thought your "story" had a quite thought out, good progression. Some of your lines seemed to be stretched compared to the overall verse, but it was smooth read still, due to your scheme.

Mvgt - Frank

[Just Write]

asylum,
i really liked where you went with this in the first half, very smooth read and the imagery was spectacular up until the warriors casket line, it took me a few times to get the meaning behind the abstact-ness you brought into the piece after that. i would have more preferred you continued with the descriptive sunset-eske love story than imo go towards a darker im guessing political piece? idk, correct me if im wrong.. thats whats wrong with writing abstract imo, sometimes it leaves the reader confused. i might just be blind to it but after reading it a few times i still dont completely understand its meaning.


franklin,
you're like tyhe eminem of text lmao, nah but seriously you definitely know how to write a story.
what i liked about this piece was it had a great story and was just filled with all kinds of very descriptiveness, i.e. the part where he got down on his knees and the bandages, the canes description ect. also the handle that leaks part was smooth too, all in all a story about getting back what you put in.. nice



this was a really good battle, at first read i had asylum taking this but i couldn't fully connect with the piece because i couldn't fully understand it. Frank, i really enjoyed your piece and thought you had a great story and your imagery was on point, for this mvgt = frank

[timeless]

Asylum, after first read my immediate thought is to just say is that I've seen way better from you. It started off strong for sure. Really enjoyed the opening 4-6 lines then it just seemed as if u rushed the rest of the piece. Sall Goodman weve all been there.

Frank, not familiar with any references and I'm not the Google type bruh. But youre context serves as a golden apron. Verse was chock full of in-depth imagery and great detail. Solid read.

V. Frank

[Razah]

I don't think I've read too much from asylum, but this was cool. I felt like your first half was stronger than the second half.

Turning brown as it reflected the dirt, reflecting it’s worth,
I Inspected the earth, full as far as your breakfast’s concerned,
With text I will earn the next to be burned

I really liked that part. The line that had microscope in it, that just threw me off, rhyming wise.

Frank, verse was on point. I think the rhyming was the best part. I'm usually not a fan of long ass bars, but this didn't seem so bad since you rhymed so much. So, each bar was kinda like having 2 bars in it.. you cheater.

Lol, anyways, keeping the same rhyme scheme for that many rhymes is impressive on its own. There were times where it felt 'off' due to a change of syllables in the words you rhymed, but I'll let it slide because I know it's hard to keep using the same multi count non-stop, sometimes things like that have to be done.

Like all the votes I make, this is going to the verse I enjoyed more, and this time around, it was Frank

vFrank

[Adonis]

Franker - This was a cool read through and through, though I didn't like the mid section where you said wife was in door way yet looking through a window at the same time. That through me off, and yet you could easily have meant the screen door as a window, but that is not what you said or not how I took it. I loved the detail though, you've been on that kick for a bit now. I thought you explained the meaning behind the verse well enough, but in all honesty. There was nothing really that blew me away, or left me wanting more. After my vote, this verse will be a mere after thought, though it was sound read.


Psy - Not sure if I fully grasp the meaning, but from what i gather, you wrote about a guy, a farmer, who tends his lands very closely. On that same land there was once death, and in the future there will be again, from war I guess. Nice concept, but the opening half, where you went as so simple to write about a chick eating, you should have stayed true to that. The beginning was far and away my favorite section of either verse, but I feel like adding war talk simply muddled the waters for you. The opening poetical direction was lovely my friend, there after was a bit rough to follow and interpret but not horrible writing. Also, meat is like beef and shit, just saying.



So, this is a tough vote because both verses are good, but each had moments I did not like in all honesty. I do feel like I'm missing something from Asylums which, if true, only hurts the vote. In the end, I liked the less shock value of Franks verse over a concept that switched mid-way through of asylum. I liked the simplicity of just writing about a farmer, with no twist or nothing. Just a simple verse about a man that if read close enough is parable like in teaching us patience and love.


v/ Frank

Very close

[JESODIST]

Second verse

[UnbornBuddha]

Asylum: I interpreted this as a tale of lovers, reminded me of Romeo and Juliet for some reason, the tragic tale of love and lost, of death and life-sustaining love. A little Shakespearean in the diction, but there were fundamental problems. Clarity never beckoned the reader into an insight, and there were some slight misspellings "microscope" is a noun and it did not work in that context, you needed to modify it adverbially. Also there was some small nuances such as meat instead of meet. Which while very pedantic perhaps to point out, when facing strong opponents such mistakes do matter considerably. Nevertheless, it was a solid piece.

Frank: The man who always shrouds himself in controversial light. The narrative was of a Chinese farmer and while nothing ever happened plot wise, the concept of just depicting the simple and peaceful life farmer was good. I also am fond of your descriptions that make your pieces so you. Lately many have found your pieces overburdened due to your stubbornness of your stylistic mark of always rhyming the same scheme, more of less. Sometimes it comes off as impressive other times as annoying because it is filled with weird wording that could had been avoided if you had more leniency in your rhythmic approach. But, frankly Frank if you did change that then your pieces though perhaps evolved would suffer because it would change what makes your writing so you. This was good, I enjoyed it.

Vote: Frank

[2tripple0]

I'm not really moved by either of these verses thought y'all both could have used some different approaches to your topic... I have no idea what asylum was trying to create as a whole towards his topic frank otoh came with a better approach but I wasn't feeling his lines very much tbh so in my mind neither of you deserve the w but I'm going to go with the crowd and also because I felt Frank's verse was closer to the topic....so......vote".......frank