No Laughing Matter (Take Your Time)

Mr. J · 03-02-2016, 03:17 AM

I practice the Buddha palm while in a state of euphoria
ask what the point is as I begin to impale this sword in ya
I see through the games people play as I corner ya...
underdeveloped skill sets trust what they perceive in Narnia
lying in a wardrobe meant for a mean girl on hallows eve
attention is the common need, here I am...the anomaly
answering anonymously, rich in thought with verbal poverty
the issues are odd to me, and the pages didn't astonish me...
I sip tea under cherry blossoms...
then laugh at the casket foes are carried off in...
I think...very often
cross words after I dabble in mazes & Sudoku
what ailments hinder these idiots? I dont know too...
keep an ink cartridge close to turn any of em into Rorschach
tapping into their mentality til they stop, let me Morse that
building suspense without even slowing down to think properly
why force that rhythm they try to perfect? tell the shrink..honestly
if the Sphinx is watching me I cut off the supplier quick
put just enough down for most to admire it, another flow Im tired with.
they washed up. cling to static the same way the dryer did.
I was kicking it, poking a dying flame sitting near the fire pit
made the choir hit the high notes as I made it rain & bare a tone...
screeching from the owls nest as these mice try to share my home
something something, I dont care....Im ghost...

Alice White · 03-02-2016, 09:50 AM

I really liked how you started off with this, you employed some nice references and also interesting imagery. Thought that the owls nest line was also quite nice. It rather seemed like a keystyle, since you addressed several themes here, which is nice to see. My only suggestion would be to focus a bit more on how thorough your rhyme schemes are. I liked your multis, but at a few spots your usage of rhymes hindered the verse in its smoothness. Nice read overall!

Mr. J · 03-02-2016, 10:33 AM

The overabundance of thoughts are leveled out after a few good runs here & there
I really wanted to make that cornea word play work but I was mistaken due to this warm up

I shall return feed to your roots

Alice White · 03-02-2016, 02:54 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mr. J

The overabundance of thoughts are leveled out after a few good runs here & there
I really wanted to make that cornea word play work but I was mistaken due to this warm up

I shall return feed to your roots

This was indeed one of the attempted plays which threw me off, your first line was quite nice, though, to say the least.

Oh and cheers for wanting to return feed.

Geno · 03-02-2016, 04:10 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mr. J

I practice the Buddha palm while in a state of euphoria
ask what the point is as I begin to impale this sword in ya
I see through the games people play as I corner ya...
underdeveloped skill sets trust what they perceive in Narnia
lying in a wardrobe meant for a mean girl on hallows eve
attention is the common need, here I am...the anomaly
answering anonymously, rich in thought with verbal poverty
the issues are odd to me, and the pages didn't astonish me...
I sip tea under cherry blossoms...
then laugh at the casket foes are carried off in...
I think...very often
cross words after I dabble in mazes & Sudoku
what ailments hinder these idiots? I dont know too...
keep an ink cartridge close to turn any of em into Rorschach
tapping into their mentality til they stop, let me Morse that
building suspense without even slowing down to think properly
why force that rhythm they try to perfect? tell the shrink..honestly
if the Sphinx is watching me I cut off the supplier quick
put just enough down for most to admire it, another flow Im tired with.
they washed up. cling to static the same way the dryer did.
I was kicking it, poking a dying flame sitting near the fire pit
made the choir hit the high notes as I made it rain & bare a tone...
screeching from the owls nest as these mice try to share my home
something something, I dont care....Im ghost...

whoooooo...
This had flare. Reads like you were feeling flowscious with this one. That whole opener up until you switched rhymes had me so drawn in i eeven stopped at the rhyme switch and reread the four 5-6 lines lol.

Real dope bro. Whole thing was ferocious. Almost felt like a stab at the rusty old boy 0.o how could u!?

Mr. J · 03-02-2016, 04:27 PM

Haha nah man just getting inspired to be slightly more serious...

figured Id drop something after dropping feed on everyone's work

Geno · 03-02-2016, 04:30 PM

Hust hit a sore spot is all. No harm done and i dont believe any intent was there. Dope piece

03-02-2016, 03:17 AM	#1
Mr. J The Clown Prince Join Date: Apr 2013 Posts: 5,033 Battle Record: 35-45 Champed - Art of Writing League Rep Power: 59349679	No Laughing Matter (Take Your Time) I practice the Buddha palm while in a state of euphoria ask what the point is as I begin to impale this sword in ya I see through the games people play as I corner ya... underdeveloped skill sets trust what they perceive in Narnia lying in a wardrobe meant for a mean girl on hallows eve attention is the common need, here I am...the anomaly answering anonymously, rich in thought with verbal poverty the issues are odd to me, and the pages didn't astonish me... I sip tea under cherry blossoms... then laugh at the casket foes are carried off in... I think...very often cross words after I dabble in mazes & Sudoku what ailments hinder these idiots? I dont know too... keep an ink cartridge close to turn any of em into Rorschach tapping into their mentality til they stop, let me Morse that building suspense without even slowing down to think properly why force that rhythm they try to perfect? tell the shrink..honestly if the Sphinx is watching me I cut off the supplier quick put just enough down for most to admire it, another flow Im tired with. they washed up. cling to static the same way the dryer did. I was kicking it, poking a dying flame sitting near the fire pit made the choir hit the high notes as I made it rain & bare a tone... screeching from the owls nest as these mice try to share my home something something, I dont care....Im ghost... __________________ .....laugh....and the world laughs with you

03-02-2016, 09:50 AM	#2
Alice White Member Join Date: Dec 2015 Posts: 72 Rep Power: 0	I really liked how you started off with this, you employed some nice references and also interesting imagery. Thought that the owls nest line was also quite nice. It rather seemed like a keystyle, since you addressed several themes here, which is nice to see. My only suggestion would be to focus a bit more on how thorough your rhyme schemes are. I liked your multis, but at a few spots your usage of rhymes hindered the verse in its smoothness. Nice read overall! __________________ https://theprincesstroll.wordpress.com

03-02-2016, 10:33 AM	#3
Mr. J The Clown Prince Join Date: Apr 2013 Posts: 5,033 Battle Record: 35-45 Champed - Art of Writing League Rep Power: 59349679	The overabundance of thoughts are leveled out after a few good runs here & there I really wanted to make that cornea word play work but I was mistaken due to this warm up I shall return feed to your roots __________________ .....laugh....and the world laughs with you

03-02-2016, 04:27 PM	#6
Mr. J The Clown Prince Join Date: Apr 2013 Posts: 5,033 Battle Record: 35-45 Champed - Art of Writing League Rep Power: 59349679	Haha nah man just getting inspired to be slightly more serious... figured Id drop something after dropping feed on everyone's work __________________ .....laugh....and the world laughs with you

03-02-2016, 04:30 PM	#7
Geno White Earl Join Date: Jan 2013 Location: Philly Cat. Posts: 12,330 Battle Record: 10-15 Accomplishments - Open Mic HOF (4x) Champed - Netcees Writers League - Write Week I - Write Week 8 Rep Power: 50036758	Hust hit a sore spot is all. No harm done and i dont believe any intent was there. Dope piece __________________ *-A.bove T.he R.est*