Nicholas' Monologue

[Alice White]

Woke up in a Nietzsche's dream,
where the overmen's breathing cease
the equivalent of an ego taking over, bliss supreme
draw the prequel scheme, a sole shadow of literacy
coupled with a torpid gesture, the magna culpas inter leap
some stoic sentence from an ancient language
morphing into spoken patterns, a trunken habit
wonder this time, was it Niccolos or Mason's call?
the prince's sainted stroll, ignited by a momentous lucidity
of politocracy, disguised as pretension's humility
the niche-esque scrutiny, of the crowd's power
the "I" couldn't be more proud of.

[JESODIST]

I couldn't be more proud of Alice White,
Immediately tempted to flow along after she Dropped the Mic,
She is not one to mess with she'll Mock your Type,
Thats the reason We drink from the Chalice Tonight,
A sparkling site Brandished by Light,
So outgoing she battle rap on Skype sparring with Guys that Might,
Lead her into believing their Lies Despite its not That Right,
Invisible Warriors Sympathetic to her Path or Plight,
With a simple stare Their arrows are Cracked in Flight,
Nice poem lady it awakens the sprits that Encircle my Body,
That struggles through the Hunger like Ghandi,
Primary missions was to be Humble and Godly,
Reciting the scrolls written by god and Adoring it Loudly,
Shouting it Proudly...

[Alice White]

thanks I guess?

[UnbornBuddha]

I enjoyed this, albeit the ending for me felt too feeble in comparison to some of other lines. I really enjoyed this line "the prince's sainted stroll, ignited by a momentous lucidity" very impactful wording. Anyhow, this is my first time seeing your work and it's obvious you have skill. I hope to see some more of your work, especially in the AOWL.

[Alice White]

thanks, I really appreciate it.

[Mr. J]

This was interesting, short yet sweet, I like the start of the piece the most
your wording is very crisp, poetic in a sense, with a more appealing flow..
you seem like a knowledgeable writer & it makes me look forward to what you can do in competition
due to the shortness of this piece this is all I will say......nice work

[Pharaohs Army]

Hi Alice. Dang right, you should have been thankful. I suppose, in a way, Jesodist's feedback here is akin to a scene in one of my favorite films, in cinema.

The Departed. Where Matt Damon's character, loosely based on John Connolly, closes the interrogation room door, and turns off the camera so no1 including his fellow agents can see inside the room anymore.

"you don't gotta trust me. just listen to what i'm saying to you," he said.
i'm proud of alice white; thats why i had to write.

fed.

[Alice White]

Thank you, I appreciate it.

[Pinot Grij]

You seem cool enough, but your diction comes across as very pompous.

draw the prequel scheme , a torpid gesture, magna culpas inter leap, trunken

If you're just trying to flex your mental muscle for the crowd, that's fine - but it's in no way engaging or interesting. Give me something I can relate to, that I can cling onto and find some common ground with. It's impossible to do that with what you've presented. You seem smart enough to conjure something more palatable and of less haughty design. I look forward to reading your stuff in the AOWL because you appear to have great potential, but I hope it's not all that similar to this.

Oh, and what language is trunken a word in?

[Alice White]

Thank you for the feedback!
I appreciate your comment, also the "haughty design" part of it. I know where you're coming from, so cheers for pointing it out.

Oh and "trunken" is originally derived from the German language.

[Pharaohs Army]

YW Alice
So you know, I had similar thoughts to Pinot& some other people here, like: "wtf is this even saying?"...i donno; it flows cool.
Although perhaps it could be taken as self-aware, with a line like
some stoic sentence from an ancient language
cool exercise.
random musings and conversational exercises are often overlooked in some circles of text, primarily due to the fact that most ppl think "I" or "Anyone can do this", so, resonating themes and narratives are usually preferred if ur gettin into any leagues. kk, thx

[Alice White]

Originally Posted by Pharaohs Army

YW Alice
So you know, I had similar thoughts to Pinot& some other people here, like: "wtf is this even saying?"...i donno; it flows cool.
Although perhaps it could be taken as self-aware, with a line like
some stoic sentence from an ancient language
cool exercise.
random musings and conversational exercises are often overlooked in some circles of text, primarily due to the fact that most ppl think "I" or "Anyone can do this", so, resonating themes and narratives are usually preferred if ur gettin into any leagues. kk, thx

The overall content might be too abstract, you're right.
Just a brief expo to perhaps make it a bit more clearer for you:
I'm referring to a combination of Nietzsche's model of the ego/overman (as you can probably see from my opening line), one of Niccolo Machiavellis most famous works, "The Prince", and Elias Canettis "The Crowd".
All of these are more or less known for a "mass leading" principle.

Glad you caught the self-reflective pattern, though!

Oh and yeah, it's a common perception of a lot of people. I appreciate your insight :)