Pinot Grij vs. Pie - OPEN FOR VOTES

Certain · 02-06-2016, 01:06 AM

Pinot Grij: This was not your most compelling piece because the three-anecdote format can be a little staid and disconnected. Yours were probably each two or four lines too long, too, though your writing remains crisp and charismatic. You overdid it with the rhymes, too, which is not to say that you forced them as much as they were distracting because they were so voluminous. But the final stanza revealed a very funny premise to the verse that definitely validated anything trite about the first three.

PiE: You are a good writer, but you are sloppy. You have good ideas, but you try to do too much with them. This verse shows your immense potential, and I really hope you stick around. But you needed to narrow the focus and reference points and clarify the narrative. There were good social commentaries to be had on which you never quite put your finger. The cadence on the first eight lines was tremendous, but your lines got a bit cluttered after that point. Proper nouns often require emphasis, so stacking lines with as many as you did can be a problem for cadence. The ending veered dangerously close to an all-a-dream twist, though I think yours had good intentions.

Vote: Pinot Grij

02-06-2016, 01:06 AM	#8
Certain Mad fucking dangerous. Join Date: Jul 2013 Posts: 12,066 Battle Record: 40-19 Champed - AOWL Season 3 - Art of Writing League (2x) Rep Power: 85899406	Pinot Grij: This was not your most compelling piece because the three-anecdote format can be a little staid and disconnected. Yours were probably each two or four lines too long, too, though your writing remains crisp and charismatic. You overdid it with the rhymes, too, which is not to say that you forced them as much as they were distracting because they were so voluminous. But the final stanza revealed a very funny premise to the verse that definitely validated anything trite about the first three. PiE: You are a good writer, but you are sloppy. You have good ideas, but you try to do too much with them. This verse shows your immense potential, and I really hope you stick around. But you needed to narrow the focus and reference points and clarify the narrative. There were good social commentaries to be had on which you never quite put your finger. The cadence on the first eight lines was tremendous, but your lines got a bit cluttered after that point. Proper nouns often require emphasis, so stacking lines with as many as you did can be a problem for cadence. The ending veered dangerously close to an all-a-dream twist, though I think yours had good intentions. Vote: Pinot Grij __________________ I'm just swinging swords strictly based on keyboards, unbalanced like elephants and ants on seesaws.