Grafx vs 2tripple0 - OPEN FOR ROPES

[slech]

Originally Posted by grafx

-His-

-10 years old-
The quil shaking back and forth
forced by fists clinched; he was so mad
from losing ideas
he had invested in home work.
-20 years old-
The ink in a black blob,
pause.- That's his identity
in destiny lost
on a grid drawn up in his thoughts.
-30 years old-
The quil shaking back and forth
jotting experiences through time.
Wine helped ease the flow of
bubbling the mood through the worst.
-40 years old-
The ink in a black blob
got smaller the more that he searched,
trying to find himself,
Not realizing what he wrote was all wrong.
-50 years old-
The quil shaking back and forth,
not only helped him, but also others.
Cluttered embarrassments
went to helping other peoples self worth.
-60 years old-
The ink in a black blob,
splotched & spilled on the notepad
with empty meaning,
bleeding through endless thoughts.
-70 years old-
The quil shaking back and forth.
Worse with age but he could manage.
His heart collapsed from a heart
attack, and he was put on life support.
-80 years old-
The ink in a black blob
resembled his alzheimer's
as more spots of his life
diminished leaving behind his mark.

vs
Fear of loathing in....

I took interest in music as a youngin'
Picked out the cracks the pipeline of plumbing
I throw my weight around not especially precautions
And I've taken losses still plump as Italian sausage
And it took time to blossom I flowered and grew buds
I got balls two nuts the critics can doubt that my lines plump
And swear my wording off and my lines hardly hit hard
my punches keep landing my lines beat like a heart
Clmbing like inflation to the rich always on the rise
the sun travels east to west and hides during the night
And the moons gravity controls the tides of the ocean
It's like we're all standing still during a passing moment
Are we up or down are we in or out the outcome always depends
but at the same time we create life and experience death
I've come to realize that all the weaknesses I inherit
Were sent to correct my differences resulting in blissful ignorance
Still it made it impossible to acknowledge my difficulties
So as ugly as those things were it seemed in all honesty
The only way to express who I am as a student of poetry
Was to hold my position and sink back into my role in society
Possibly it has affected me and others who were made aware of this
Now I look back and I'm no longer scared scared of becoming perilous


grafx:
captivated by the way this was crafted and the time frame within the poem developed. The underlying metaphor was cool. I enjoyed the smoothness it carried and the theme was relatable and natural. However, mid-poem I felt it had some awkward wording, and it some of it seem anti-climatic. I would have kept it shorter And described what was going on him. Would like to see this concept developed a bit more. That's what I got from it
trip - decent story here as well, i felt it builded up . however i felt u could have captured emotion to the theme a little better, flow was very natural, a clash of being straightforward and being too abstract.
wierd match.. not really knowing eithers intentions, but , i was able to grasp aspects from both verses that I found nice. graf, I think your verse was more thought out and better written than trips. the content was wise... trip. over all I think your piece came a bit predictable at the end, when it came down to understand the connections and final outlook of the verse.

vote grafx