Round One: Argh vs. (Alt) 2tripple0 [OPEN FOR VOTES]

UnbornBuddha · 01-13-2016, 01:36 AM

Argh/ B.E: B.E is a prettier moniker by the way. Anyways, its obvious you took this round. And I had my doubts that it was actually you, but you have a very distinct style. One of the most methodical I have had the privilege to read. As for the verse itself, I too felt there were some wording issues mainly because you tried to keep the compact syllabic rhythm, "press lipstick to mouth", sounded weird. It needs a pronoun before the mouth, or another simple word to make it less rough in the eyes or ears, depending if read out loud. The theme and story was nice, I have no complain about it. One thing I will say is that your style sometimes is a bit dull in the beginning, it never really opens up with a BANG. It's just this steady details, sometimes the littlest minutia, slumped shoulders for example, your attention to details is good. But, sometimes it deters from the grander picture of captivating the reader. A pleasant read though.

2Trip: I don't know what exactly you were going for here. I agree punctuation will help your piece. There were some lines that showed promise, but some of the follow-up phrasing was weird, i.g. tenderloin meat, soy sauce...

Vote: Argh

01-13-2016, 01:36 AM	#7
UnbornBuddha Senior Member Join Date: Jul 2014 Posts: 1,008 Battle Record: 23-10 Champed - Art of Writing League - AOWL Season 5 Rep Power: 23856379	Argh/ B.E: B.E is a prettier moniker by the way. Anyways, its obvious you took this round. And I had my doubts that it was actually you, but you have a very distinct style. One of the most methodical I have had the privilege to read. As for the verse itself, I too felt there were some wording issues mainly because you tried to keep the compact syllabic rhythm, "press lipstick to mouth", sounded weird. It needs a pronoun before the mouth, or another simple word to make it less rough in the eyes or ears, depending if read out loud. The theme and story was nice, I have no complain about it. One thing I will say is that your style sometimes is a bit dull in the beginning, it never really opens up with a BANG. It's just this steady details, sometimes the littlest minutia, slumped shoulders for example, your attention to details is good. But, sometimes it deters from the grander picture of captivating the reader. A pleasant read though. 2Trip: I don't know what exactly you were going for here. I agree punctuation will help your piece. There were some lines that showed promise, but some of the follow-up phrasing was weird, i.g. tenderloin meat, soy sauce... Vote: Argh Last edited by UnbornBuddha; 01-13-2016 at 01:57 AM.